Catching Fire - Peeta Mellark
by hinkevanabbema
Summary: This is the second book of the Hunger Games trilogy from Peeta's POV. I try to stay as close to the original as possible and use dialogue from the original book, Catching Fire, written by Suzanne Collins. Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games: Catching Fire.
1. When the walls come tumbling down

**Part 1: The Spark**

**Chapter 1 – when the walls come stumbling down**

I clasp the flask between my hands and stare into the fire. I'd put some hot milk in it to help me relax but the milk has grown cold and I still feel exhausted because I have slept terribly last night. Lying awake, dreading the days to come. Dreaming of Katniss, again. Katniss leaving me behind, the same dream every night. The same anxious feeling when I wake and realize the truth again. It was an act. It was all just an act. Our nights huddled together in the cave, her kisses, her caresses. They were not real. And still... I miss them so much.

It has been six months since we arrived back in district 12. First, there were a couple of weeks of festivities, where cameras and reporters were circling around us. Katniss just clung to me and didn't let me go until they left and she had to. Those weeks I tried to put up the act of being a happy couple, deeply in love. It was really hard and I worked on building the protective walls around my heart every night, just to have them broken down again during the day. To see her smile, even though I knew it was faked. To feel the warmth of her lips against mine. It was like living in a dream that felt like a nightmare at the same time. And now the day has arrived, the day of the victory tour. Where we have to start this whole charade over again. And I just don't want to.

The victory tour itself is bad enough. Parading ourselves in front of the other districts. People pretending to love us, to be happy for us, whereas in reality they despise us for killing their children. And we did, we killed their children. And for that, they have to applaud us. It is sick. And to make it worse, I know Katniss will cling to me again, effectively breaking down the walls I worked so hard on these past few months. And my heart will lie exposed and naked in front of her. For her to trample it. To crush it.

Nick, who came early this morning to have breakfast with me, appears from the kitchen and takes the flask from my hand, replacing it for a steaming mug of hot chocolate.

"You know, maybe this is a good time for you to mend things with her," he says.

I look up, incredulous. "How am I supposed to mend things?" I ask him.

"To be honest, Peeta, you were the one walking away from her." He says.

"Yes!" I say, my voice shaken from hidden anger, "because it wasn't real, okay! She lied to me!"

"I know that, I know." He says, holding his hands up in defense, "and I'm not saying that it's okay, but really, Peeta, you have to try to see it from her perspective too, she was trying to save you both."

I nod. But that is the one thing that makes this all so confusing for me. "Why, why did she fight so hard to safe us both if she didn't care?" I whisper and I bury my face in my hands.

Nick sits down next to me and puts a hand on my leg. "Because she does care, she does. No one can act that good, I know what I saw."

"Can you go over there and tell her that?" I say, nodding my head in the direction of Katniss' house.

Nick shakes his head. "Look, I don't know her well enough to tell you why she did exactly what she did. But I do know that this isn't working for you. You have to get over it."

"How do I get over it, Nick," I say, "this tour starts today, we have to kiss again, to hold hands. And nothing of it will be true."

"I don't think that nothing will be true. She cares for you enough to save your life, that is the truth I do know." Nick says. "That counts for something, Peeta. Maybe you should just focus on what is true, and see what you can do from there. Who knows, there might be a possibility for you to become friends."

"Friends." I say, tasting the word in my mouth. It sounds like a good word, a word I use for Nick, and for a few other guys from town. But can I apply it to Katniss? I nod slowly as Nick gets up.

"Listen, I have to go, I have school," he says and claps my shoulder. "You'll be okay, I know you will. See you in a fortnight and don't forget to enjoy yourself a little bit."

With that he disappears, leaving me to ponder over what he just said.

I get up and go to my large kitchen, where I spend most of my mornings baking bread and cookies. This morning I've made a badge of cookies and now I'm icing them with Prim's favourite flower, tiger lilies. Katniss told me she loved the icing on our cakes and since then I try to bake cookies with her favourite icing on top of it, at least once a week. Mrs. Everdeen says once a week is enough, because she doesn't want Prim to be spoiled. It is hard not to spoil Prim, though, because she's such a sweet girl. I try to focus on the icing while I think of the impossibility of Nicks idea. Become friends with Katniss. I don't know how to handle that and in my frustration I mess up one of the cookies. Irritated, I throw the cookie on the table, where it breaks and crumbles and somehow that reminds me of my own heart being shattered. Nick is right, this isn't working, I have to get over it. I grab the cookies and put them in a box and start cleaning the kitchen.

After I've done the dishes and dropped off a couple of cheese buns and the tiger lily cookies to Mrs. Everdeen, I take a loaf of bread and go check on Haymitch. Snow is slowly descending from the gray sky as I cross the few yards between Katniss' and Haymitch' house. When I enter I hear voices in the kitchen. A low growling one that must be Haymitch and the other voice I'd recognize anywhere. Katniss. For a second I hesitate, but I think about Nick's words and the inevitability of being with her today. I might as well get it over with. So I walk in the kitchen, and just catch the last thing Katniss says.

"Look, if you wanted to be babied, you should have asked Peeta."  
"Asked me what?" I ask as I cross to the table. I put the loaf of bread on it and extend my hand towards Haymitch, indicating to give me his knife, while I meticulously ignore Katniss.  
"Asked you to wake me without giving me pneumonia," says Haymitch, while he gives me his knife. He has been drinking all night, by the looks of it. His clothes are filthy, his hair matted against his forehead. He must have been dreading this day as much as I have. He is soaked with water, which tells me Katniss woke him up by giving him a bath.

I smile at that and kneel down to the floor, where a bottle still filled with white liquor stands and I clean the knife in the liquor. While I get up again I dry the knife with my shirt, slice the bread and give Haymitch the first slice. He likes the crust of the heel the most.

Then I finally acknowledge Katniss as I lift my head and look at her. She stands next to the open window, ready to escape. There are dark circles under her eyes and I know what that means. She hasn't been sleeping well either. She's wearing hunting gear, indicating she came from the woods, probably via a stroll to the Hob, the black market of district twelve. I already knew she went hunting, because she wasn't there when I dropped of the cheese buns just now. Katniss hunts every day, I bake, Haymitch drinks. This is how we cope. We, survivors of the Hunger Games, although I think the term victims is more suitable, considering the fact that we do not sleep.  
I hand out a slice of bread to Katniss. "Would you like a piece?" My voice sounds hollow.  
"No, I ate at the Hob," she says. "But thank you." She sounds as hollow as I do. How am I supposed to fix this, because she obviously doesn't want anything to do with me. I sigh before I answer.

"You're welcome."  
Haymitch has pulled of his shirt and tosses it away. "Brrr. You two have got a lot of warming up to do before show time."  
Katniss just shakes her head at that and says, "Take a bath, Haymitch," before she jumps out of the window and disappears.

I take a chair and slump down next to Haymitch who mutters at Katniss, "I just did."

He scowls at me and says, "you have to do a whole lot better than that, you know that, right?"

I put my elbow on the table and let my head rest in my hand, while staring in the distance.

"I know," is all I can say.

"You know the capitol wasn't too happy about your stunt with the berries," Haymitch says. "I've told Katniss already, your only defence is that you were desperately in love."

He holds up a hand as he sees I want to reply. "No, let me finish. I know you were desperately in love with her, Peeta, I know you feel rejected. But now is not the time to swallow in your sorry sixteen year old problems. I'm telling you, being desperately in love is still your defence. You can't let it show, you're a great actor, you'll be just fine. It is only a couple of weeks." He says and he gets up and stumbles upstairs. Presumably to take that bath Katniss referred to earlier.

This is the second time today that someone told me to get over myself and deal with Katniss. Be it in a more drunken and harsh way. Still, Haymitch made his point clear. I don't exactly know what the capitol thinks of us, and what it means that they aren't exactly happy. But they do have all the power and the possibility to do us harm. And despite everything, I have to face the fact that I still love Katniss and the idea of any harm becoming her just makes my heart ache.

The thought pulls me up short. I still love Katniss. Building walls for six months didn't change that at all. I still want to take her in my arms and hold her, to protect her, to keep her safe. Somewhere in my heart, buried deep down under layers of doubt, I can still hear her voice in my mind. _Put you somewhere where you can't get hurt_. And all that this comment implied. Her love for me, her wanting to keep me safe from harm.

I asked her what part of it all was an act and what wasn't. She never answered me that. But her voice enters my dreams often, all the things she said to me, the way she looked at me. Her eyes shining with such a beautiful expression. I've never seen her look at anyone like that, this look is only reserved for me and even if I try really hard, I still can't see anything but love in it. It only adds to my confusion when I think about her and the happiness she seemed to portray on the night of our reunion. A part of me can't believe that it was all just an act. _Not all of it,_ she'd said.

Maybe Nick is right and I have to take the option of becoming friends with her. Maybe things will be easier if we are friends. In that way, we can stop acting, at least, to some extent. I am so scared, so scared for the walls to come stumbling down, but I know this is the right thing to do and I'll just have to face my fears. I slowly get up from the table to go back to my own house. Soon my prep team and Portia will be there to get me ready for the camera's and I don't want to keep them waiting.

With a new resolve I open the door of Haymitch's house and walk back to my own house through the snow.


	2. Living in Victor's Village

**Chapter 2 – Living in Victors Village**

In my mind the houses of Victors Village were huge, and first I didn't know what to do with all that space. But now I'm used to the space and I have to admit that I like it. As I enter my house and shake of the snow in the hall, I think back on how we came here.

After the first day back in district 12, Effie took us down to the Village and made us choose a house. For some unclear reason, Haymitch had chosen the house in the middle of it instead of on the edge. Katniss chose the house at his right which made it easy for me. I chose the one on his left, to be as far away from Katniss as possible, without it being illogical. That would only raise questions.

"Haymitch in between, that sounds like a good idea." Katniss' mother had said. "At least there will be some barrier between the two of you." I laughed at that but in my mind I knew that the barrier wasn't Haymitch. But I was glad that she had toned down our relationship by saying that Katniss was too young to have a boyfriend.

Katniss moved into her house with her mother and sister. I live in mine alone, like Haymitch. My parents couldn't move with me. They had to stay at the bakery, which makes sense to me. And I also don't want them here. The Games have made me grow up over night and I feel as much as an adult as they are. And what adult would want to live with their parents. Katniss' mother and sister only had a little shack in the Seam, so of course they went to live with her. But my parents house is big and comfortable enough for them to be happy there. They respected my choice to live alone, although I go and visit them almost every day. I still help them out in the bakery once in a while, but I do most of my baking at home.

On the day we arrived back in district 12 and I saw them again, it felt so surreal. At that point, I felt so heartsick over Katniss, that I had trouble appreciating them. But they were more than happy to see me, hugging me and crying. Even my dad had tears in his eyes. After I processed being back home I could find it in myself to be happy to see them again. And my brothers too. But what had happened to me in the Games had changed me. And with the change came the distance. It's not that I don't love them, and it's not that they don't love me. But they cannot relate to me, they don't understand how I can't be fully happy. How I've changed from my old self. How the Games will never allow me to go back. So I moved out and kept my distance.

And so I live alone and deal with my horrific past on my own. Katniss and I don't have any obligations with which we have to fill our days. We don't go to school anymore, we have more money than we both need. So we had to come up with other ways to spend our time. Katniss goes out every day to hunt in the woods. I always watch her go, as I wake up around the same time to start baking. Seeing her walking away from me, just as in my dreams. But I can't stop myself from watching.

One day Effie informed us that we have to come up with a talent, something that is required for victors. I raised my eyebrows at Haymitch and asked, "what is your talent? Drinking?" He nodded at that and I laughed.

"Well, at least for the tour you have to have a talent," Effie said, "it is really, really important. Don't joke about it." Effie takes everything so seriously.

It wasn't hard for me to find a talent though. I have enough money now, so I spend it on real paint and canvas and now I spent half my day on baking and the other half on painting. I've taken the habit of painting the Games. It is sort of a therapy for me to paint my nightmares, it as if I can replace them from my head to the canvas. It doesn't keep me from having them, though. They visit me almost every night. Clove, arranging her knifes, Cato advancing on me with his sword stretched out. The evil mutts, the tracker jackers. And above all, Katniss. She is always everywhere. I have translated my feelings for her into pictures on canvas. It is like whispering secrets to a friend in the dark, the canvas doesn't say anything back but just lets me talk in a language I alone can understand. I remember spending days trying to find the right colour for sunlight on the blond fur of Glimmers mutt. It is awful and calming at the same time.

I also take care of Haymitch, something I do together with Katniss. We're both resolved to make sure he lives as we both know we owe him our lives. We make sure he has enough of his white liquor. She brings him the game she shoots or leftovers from dinner. I bring him fresh baked goods every day. He is grumpy and drunk most of the time, but I feel his life did pick up a bit since we moved in next to him. He is not alone anymore and not always as bitter as he used to be.

This is how we live now. With the three of us on a row. Katniss and I mostly ignore each other. I do come and visit her mother and Prim sometimes. I've grown fond of them, especially Prim. She's taught me how to milk her goat, Lady, and we've made cheese together. After that I've let her help me bake the apple and cheese tart. The best thing about her is that she never asks me what the deal is between me and Katniss. She doesn't pry. She just accepts things as they are. To be honest, she has been my ray of sunlight in these last months.

I've grown used to my life now, having a cold and distance relationship with Katniss. Spending my time baking and painting. Taking care of Haymitch. In some remote way I am contempt. I just wish I'd have more time to see my friends. But they all have school to attend and homework to make. This has created a distance between them and me, similar to the distance I experience with my family. I can still talk to Nick about girls, about Katniss for instance. But just as my family, he can't relate to my experiences too. The Games have taken away my innocence, my easy banter and put remoteness in their place. I've struggled to find a way to still be me. And I've come to realize that I just have to make my peace with the fact that I've changed and that there is a new me now. We do still spend time, mostly on Sundays, joking around like we used to do, and I love hanging out with my friends. It is a good distraction from my weekly routine. They like to come here, because I have the space and the money. We play games or watch television, not that there is anything good on. Still, it's nice to have them in my house, even though I'm mostly glad when they leave too.

As I walk into my kitchen I think back at what both Nick and Haymitch have made clear to me today. I can't go on like this, this cool act towards Katniss. It is true that she returns my attitude with the same kind of coldness, but I have started this and that means I have to end it as well. The best thing to do would be to apologize. Because what has she done wrong, really? True, she broke my heart, but is that her fault? I accused her of lying this morning, but I know it isn't fair to blame her. There were camera's everywhere, what was she supposed to do? All she really did was keep us both alive in there. And Nick is right, that is the truth and I owe her. I know Katniss thinks like this, owing people and being owed. She told me so in the cave, how she owed Thresh for her life and how she owed me for the bread. I don't see it like that though, giving her that bread seemed like the only possible thing to do at that moment. Maybe my love for her has clouded my vision, but this is how I perceive that. How she thinks about it now, I don't know. I'd think we are pretty even, she saved my life more than once in the arena. I wonder what she thinks of me at all. Would she even want to be friends, does she even like me? Nick said she cares, but what does that mean? I guess the decent thing to do is to apologize and see how she takes it. If she accepts it, we can be friends and work out our way from there. We have the victory tour, in which we have to present ourselves as lovers. And in the summer the Games start again, we will be mentors together with Haymitch, or more likely instead of Haymitch. So we're stuck together, whether we like it or not. Maybe we can tell the capitol that we broke up but decided to be good friends. That life after the games was so different that it didn't work out. In that way, we don't have to pretend at all. But this is something I'll have to discuss with her and with Haymitch too. And before I can do that, I first have to try to fix our relationship and see if there is anything left.

There is still some pie left from yesterday and I decide to finish it for lunch. I'll leave in a couple of hours and if that pie stays here while I'm gone, it will only go bad. Then I go upstairs to take a shower and shave. The more I'll do myself, the less my prep team needs to do. It's not that I don't like them, but it is still weird for me to have them pluck me clean and rub me with stuff. I'll let them because it is their job and they are so fond of me that I don't want to disappoint them.

A knock on the door startles me and I hurry to clasp on the prosthetic and put on some clothes before I go downstairs and open the door. Rye is standing in front of me.

"Hey bro," he says, as I let him in. "I came to say goodbye early, because I can't come to the train station later today."

"Why not?" I ask him.

"I got the day off, because you're leaving and I thought it was a good opportunity to take Elaise to a picnic." He says with a big grin on his face.

I can't help but smile at that. Rye has been dating this girl, Elaise, for only a couple of weeks, but he is head over heels in love with her. Seeing them gives me bittersweet feelings of nostalgia and the way he loves her reminds me of how I love Katniss. Totally and completely.

Rye gives me a hug, "You don't mind, do you?"

"No, it's okay," I say. "You go and enjoy yourself, I'll see you again when I get back. It is only a couple of weeks."

"Sure, sure! I'll fill you in on things!" He winks at me and I laugh.

"Well, I don't know about that." I say, because I know what he implies.

"I do know, you're going to hear every last bit of it." Rye replies. "Okay? I've gotta go. Enjoy the food and the girl!" He winks at me again, turns around and darts outside. The door clicks shut behind him.


	3. On our way

**Chapter 3 – On our way**

The smell of his cologne lingers in my hallway. A gift I got him on New years day, when he just started going out with Elaise. I shake my head at his last remark. Enjoy the girl. Obviously he doesn't know what he's saying. My family can seem so off sometimes. My parents didn't understand a thing of my pain of losing Katniss. Brannick still thinks everything is a joke and Rye... Well, he is living with his head in the clouds. I can forgive him for that. But I also can't help feeling angry at their insensitiveness. Their lack of understanding. They think all that matters is that I made it out alive. And they do not acknowledge my pain. It makes me feel so alone.

I go back upstairs to finish dressing and then enter the room I've reserved for my paintings. Effie told me to select them for the tour. There are too many of them to bring them all. I've already made a pre selection. I decided to only bring paintings from the Games. But most of my paintings are from the Games, and I still have to do a final selection.

As I go through them one by one I'm struck at the intensity of the memories coming back to me. When I watch Marly pointing at the sky I feel the tears stinging in my eyes. It's not that I loved this girl so much, I remember that I thought she was very conflicted. She liked the stars and she liked killing. But she was my way into the Career pack and because of that I am still alive. _Not this one_, I tell myself. Too many bad memories. But if that is going to be the way to decide which ones should stay and which ones should come, then I'll be left with nothing. All of these paintings entail bad memories. Some are safer choices than others though, so I skip through them and take the ones that hurt the least. It feels like years have gone by since these events happened, whereas at the same time I remember them as clear as if it was yesterday. The memories haven't faded and I'm not sure they ever will.

I've finished selecting the paintings, and I wrap them all carefully in paper and carry them downstairs, one by one, ready to be shipped to the train.

The doorbell rings just as I've brought the last painting to the hall. Effie enters with a few capitol attendants.

"Peeta!" she exclaims, while she hugs me and kisses me on my cheeks. "How have you been? It is so great to see you again. Really exciting! Is everything ready for the tour?"

I smile and return her hugs and kisses, and say, "Yes, I've selected the paintings and they are ready to be shipped."

"That is great!" Effie says, "this whole thing is so vexing. Katniss doesn't even have a talent and we have to do a whole reportage on Cinna's clothing, because it couldn't be done earlier. The whole schedule is a bit of a bear. At least you have everything in order." She fusses around with the paintings, after she checks out her orange wig in the mirror in my hall.

She sighs in relief when everything is packed and on its way to the train and I suppress a smile. For Effie, nothing is as important as the schedule. She hasn't changed a bit.

"Now, honey, Portia will be here any minute with your prep team." She says, while she fixes something on my shirt. "I have to go over to Katniss to help her out. You know what a mess she is and we're running late as it is. My assistant, Rufus, will give you your cue when to leave the house for the live broadcast from the Capitol, okay?"

"Yes," I say as she hugs me again, "and Effie, it will be fine."

She smiles and waves and then she's gone again. She needs the reassuring but I wonder if lying to her about it being fine will help me believe it myself. Because I am not sure that things will be fine at all.

The door opens before it can fall in its locks and my prep team enters. They are all giddy with excitement. This tour is something they've been looking forward to for months. They do seem genuinely happy to see me again and they shower me with questions about how I've been and tell me stories about how boring things are in the Capitol since we've left and how happy they are to be here and how they can't wait to go on the tour.

"We are going to have so much fun together," Sensa squeaks and she smiles at me.

"And the food, the food is going to be so good." Josius adds.

Morna tells us that she's heard from one of the members of the prep team from last year's victor, that they were allowed to attend every party in the districts and even at the party in the president's mansion at the end of the tour.

"It. Is going to be. Amazing." She says and they all laugh.

I nod and smile along and try not to be bothered by the fact that they dwell in such shallow things and that they celebrate the exact same thing that I despise.

They don't have much to do, fortunately, and before I know it Portia is here too and gives me the clothes to wear for the live broadcast. Rufus informs us we'll be on air in five.

"I'm sorry I am so late," Portia says, "I had to help Cinna out with Katniss' clothes."

"It's okay," I say as I kiss her cheek, "we'll see each other for the coming weeks, so it's fine."

She nods and I get dressed into the clothes. Warm, black pants and boots. A soft green sweater and a thick, long jacket lined with fur. I love the clothes, they give me the little extra confidence I need to face Katniss. Our encounter this morning wasn't a success and I still haven't figured out a way to talk to her. I wonder what she'll do at our first reunion with camera's present, but I don't have time to think it through, because Rufus tells me it's time and almost pushes me outside the house. In the corner of my eye, I just see Portia giving me a thumbs up before I step out in the snow.

There are several camera's on me and I smile at them and wave while I step down on the few steps in front of my house. I notice Katniss coming towards me. Looking beautiful and with a big smile on her face. As she catches my eye she breaks out in a run. _Here we go_, I think and I feel the walls tumbling down again as I open my arms and catch her. I lift her and spin her around but then I lose my balance and slip in the snow. We fall to the ground. Her body pressed against mine again. She looks down on me and leans in to kiss me. My body betrays me instantly as I feel the warmth rushing through me. She opens her mouth slightly and I kiss her back, taking her lower lip between mine and I taste her lipstick, combined with snow and her natural woody scent as she moves her lips against mine slowly. I pull up my hand and stroke her hair and as I open my eyes to look at her I see her eyes shining as if they were filled with tears. I break away from our kiss first. Katniss rolls to the side, gets up and helps me back on my feet. She tucks her arm in mine and pulls me on the way to the station.

When we arrive there, the little platform is filled with people. My parents and Brannick are there. Mrs Everdeen and Prim too of course. There are a few other people I recognize as well. I see the mother of Katniss' friend, Gale. He is not here himself, and I can guess why. Katniss told me he wasn't her boyfriend but I've seen that guy in school and I've seen him together with her. She must be blind, if she can't see what he feels for her because it is plainly written on his face. I can only imagine what our act of romance does to him. Gale, I haven't even considered him when I thought about trying to become friends with Katniss. I know Katniss spends every Sunday with him in the woods and a stab of jealousy surges through me. I wonder if he kissed her and if she liked it and if she prefers his kisses over mine. Probably she does. At this thought my resolve breaks again. How can I even have a normal relationship with her, if this is all I can think about. I consider the kiss in the snow we just had and how real it felt. It is messing with my mind and I wish we could skip this entire tour, just get it over with. But this is no solution, I know that. I have to go through it to get to the end of it.

My mother puts her arms around me and tells me to enjoy myself. My father slaps me on my back and Brannick too. I nod at them as Effie pulls on my arm, reminding me of our schedule and I get onto the train, with a last wave to the people outside. The doors close and we are on our way. Effie brings me to the dining compartment where we're served a big meal for supper.

We eat with the six of us. Haymitch looks clean and shaved and not too drunk. He joins the conversation, something he almost never does. Cinna and Portia talk about how district Eleven is very warm and that we have to remember that tomorrow. Effie complains that the schedule leaves us not enough time to really relax. Katniss just stares in the distance and plays around with her food. It seems like there is something wrong with her and I'm worried instantly. Then I remember that she probably detests this tour as much as I do. After dinner she gets up right away and walks to her compartment, mumbling something about going to bed.

"Yes," Effie says, "that seems like a good idea. We're going to have a long day tomorrow."

Once I'm in my room I change into pyjamas and lie down on the bed. It is still quite early and sleep doesn't come right away. I think about the future and my idea to 'break-up' with Katniss. I don't know if Haymitch will approve of that. He told me this morning that our love is our only defence. Breaking up after all we've been through would be hard to sell to the Capitol and to President Snow.

But if we can't break up, what will that imply? It means we have to keep on acting like we're in love. My mind wanders back to Gale. How will he deal with this? I don't know for sure if there is anything serious going on with them, and I don't like to think about it. But the idea of having to be with Katniss while she wants to be with someone else is repulsive.

While the train rocks me to sleep a frightening thought enters my mind. What if I'll have to marry Katniss...


	4. Friends

**Chapter 4 - Friends**

Of course, I could do a lot worse than marrying Katniss. But seriously, to marry someone you want to marry while you know they don't want to be married to you, that must be the worst kind of nightmare. But I am getting ahead of myself now. I believe there is still a chance that this break-up idea of mine will work. I just have to talk it through with Haymitch. See what he thinks.  
Tomorrow, I tell myself. Tomorrow I will talk to Haymitch and to Katniss too. And with that idea in mind I fall into a restless sleep. When I wake up the next morning the day is already well on its way. Together with Portia and my prep-team I have breakfast. There is not much to do for me after that so I show Portia my paintings and we talk a bit about how we've been the last few months.

"You look tired," Portia says.  
"Yes," I answer, "I haven't been sleeping well."  
"You dread this?" she asks and I nod.  
"I understand, and I'm sorry about Katniss," she says. Portia must have sensed that something is wrong between Katniss and me because I haven't told her anything. We've talked over the phone but I have a feeling that my phone line is being tapped so I'm hesitant to share anything too personal via phone.  
"Sorry about what?" I ask her.  
"Sorry that it's not working out. Word is, you've been ignoring each other for the last six months." Portia says.  
This startles me. "How do you know that?"  
"Don't worry, Haymitch told me. He asked me to talk to you about it because he was worried you weren't able to put up an act."  
"I'll be fine." I say and I shrug.  
"I know, that is what I've told him. But I think it would be good if you talked to her first, Peeta. To break the ice a little?" Portia looks at me apologetically, but I know she is right.  
"I plan to," I say, "I want to talk to her today. Maybe after lunch?"  
"That sounds like a good idea." She says and smiles at me.

Because we had breakfast late, I'm not really hungry when lunch arrives. But there is no way to postpone it a bit, because Effie keeps reminding us we're on a schedule.  
Everyone, except Katniss, is there when the first course is being served.  
"Shouldn't we wait for Katniss?" I ask Effie.  
"No time for that," she says, "Katniss will catch up to us."  
Haymitch scowls at me and starts picking a muffin. He's hung over again. It annoys me a little. We arrive in District 11 in an couple of hours and we need him to mentor us.  
When Katniss enters she slumps down in the chair next to him. Unhappiness written all over her face. While the others talk about the food and other non important things I observe her carefully. She's playing with her food, not eating much and she looks like she could burst into tears any minute now. I wonder what brought this on. It looks like she's ignoring me too. How am I supposed to start a conversation with her if she acts like this?

When Cinna asks her if she slept well, she just gives him a slight shrug. Then the train suddenly comes to a stop and an attendant tells us there is something wrong with the train and we'll have a delay of an hour.  
Effie gets upset immediately. "This is terrible. This messes up the entire program. We're supposed to be in Eleven at four and now I don't know what is going to happen."  
Exaggerating as always, I think, while she gets out her schedule and tries to fix it by postponing the supper or something. She keeps rambling on until Katniss suddenly snaps at her. "No one cares, Effie!"  
I stare at her, really concerned now, because even though Effie must be getting on her nerves, she's never snapped at her like that before. Katniss gets up from her chair and looks down on all our staring faces.  
"Well, no one does!" she says and then she walks away.

The others sit in silence, Effie is lost for words for a few minutes. Then I see Portia giving me a nod and I think this is as good a time as any. "I'll go after her," I say and I get up and walk in the direction Katniss left.  
An attendant tells me she got off the train, so I open the door and step outside. It is warm, much warmer than in our own district. I see Katniss in the distance, behind the train, sitting on the ground. Her shoulders hunched. Her whole body emanates despair.

As I approach her, she says, "I'm not in the mood for a lecture," while she digs out a handful of weeds of the ground.  
"I'll try to keep it brief." I say as I sit down next to her.  
"I thought you were Haymitch," she says, as she looks at me.  
"No, he's still working on that muffin." I try to position my leg. I'd sit crossed legged like Katniss, if I could, but this artificial leg prevents that. Then I turn to face her. "Bad day, huh?"  
"It's nothing," she says.  
I breath in, thinking how she's lying to me again, or at least hiding something from me. But this is the best time to get this over and done with, so I start my speech. "Look, Katniss, I've been wanting to talk to you about the way I acted on the train. I mean, the last train. The one that brought us home. I knew you had something with Gale. I was jealous of him before I even officially met you. And it wasn't fair to hold you to anything that happened in the Games. I'm sorry."  
She looks at me in surprise and says, "I'm sorry, too."  
"There's nothing for you to be sorry about. You were just keeping us alive. But I don't want us to go on like this, ignoring each other in real life and falling into the snow every time there's a camera around. So I thought if I stopped being so, you know, wounded, we could take a shot at just being friends," I tell her, anxiously waiting for her reply.  
"Okay," she says softly and she offers me something close to a smile. I was almost expecting she'd say no, so her answer gives me a sense of relief.

It is clear that something is bothering her, though. "So what's wrong?" I ask her.  
She doesn't answer, instead she keeps tugging at the weeds. This friend thing is going to be harder than I thought. It is easier to run a mile on this wretched leg of mine than to get Katniss to talk. Maybe I should start with asking her something easier.  
"Let's start with something more basic. Isn't it strange that I know you'd risk your life to save mine ... but I don't know what your favorite color is?" I ask.  
I see a real smile on her lips now. "Green. What's yours?"  
"Orange," I answer.  
"Orange? Like Effie's hair?" she asks.  
"A bit more muted, more like..." I try to think of a good example, "sunset."  
Katniss nods and looks lost in thought, like she's trying to picture it. Then she says, "You know, everyone's always raving about your paintings. I feel bad I haven't seen them."  
"Well, I've got a whole train car full." I get up, glad to be off this rocky ground, and I stretch out my hand to her. "Come on."  
She gets up and I feel her fingers entwined with mine. And it feels good because this time I know for sure it is real.  
As we arrive at the door, she says, "I've got to apologize to Effie first."  
"Don't be afraid to lay it on thick," I say with a smile.

We enter the dining car where Effie is still sitting with an upset expression on her face. Katniss approaches her and takes her hand. "Effie, I'm sorry. I am really, really sorry. I shouldn't have said that and I know the schedule is really important to you, I mean, to all of us. So I'm sorry."  
Effie accepts the apology but goes on about the importance of the schedule for a couple of minutes. When she's finished I tug at Katniss' hand, the one that is still entwined with mine and lead her to the car where my paintings are displayed.

Katniss takes in the paintings with an intensity I haven't seen often in her face. She is quiet for a couple of minutes.  
"What do you think?" I ask.  
"I hate them," she says. "All I do is go around trying to forget the arena and you've brought it back to life. How do you remember these things so exactly?"  
"I see them every night," I say softly.  
"Me, too. Does it help? To paint them out?" She asks as she examines the painting of the blonde mutt that represents Glimmer.  
"I don't know. I think I'm a little less afraid of going to sleep at night, or I tell myself I am," I say honestly. "But they haven't gone anywhere."  
"Maybe they won't. Haymitch's haven't." Katniss says.  
I think about Haymitch, who never sleeps in the dark and always has a knife in his hand when he does sleep.  
"No. But for me, it's better to wake up with a paintbrush than a knife in my hand," I say. "So you really hate them?" I understand this to some extent, she doesn't like to be reminded of it, but a part of me is disappointed by her response. Because for me, the Games are not just bad memories, and my relationship with her is based on it. But she obviously doesn't see it this way.  
"Yes. But they're extraordinary. Really," She says, and she turns away from the paintings and looks at me. "Want to see my talent? Cinna did a great job on it."  
I laugh at that, thinking about how Katniss couldn't find a talent herself and Cinna provided her one instead. "Later." I say, and I take her hand. "Come on, we're almost to District Eleven. Let's go take a look at it."

We walk to the last car on the train. Just like in the other train, the one that escorted us to the Capitol, six months ago, this train as a window in the back that retracts into the ceiling.  
We both stare at what we see through the windows. Large green meadows, filled with grazing cows. Not a tree in sight. It is nothing like District Twelve. Then the scenery changes. As the train slows down there is a huge fence rising in front of us. It looks frightening and makes the fence around our own district look like a small barrier you can easily hop over. There are also large watchtowers with armed peacekeepers.

"That's something different," I say. Katniss just nods and we stare outside of the window as we enter District Eleven. This district is a lot larger than our own. Fields of crops without end.  
Effie enters and tells us we need to get ready. I'm whisked off to get dressed and as soon as I see Portia I smile at her.  
"It went well?" She asks.  
"Yes, it went well." I say. "And thank you for helping me get through this."  
Portia dresses me in some nice, sturdy brown trousers with a fitted jacket, which makes me look handsome. It fits perfectly and makes my blue eyes shine even brighter.  
"You look gorgeous," says Portia right before we leave to get the last instructions from Effie on the program for today. Katniss wears a beautiful orange dress and I can't help but smile because of the color. Of course it's Cinna's dress, and it wasn't Katniss' own choice but still, I feel as if she put on this dress for my benefit.

"First things first," Effie says. "You will have an official ceremony on the verandah of the Justice Building where the mayor will speech and I have these thank-you notes for you to read in reply." With that she gives us both a card with text written out on it. "After that we have a big dinner with the officials of the district. It is going to be fabulous." Effie smiles at us brightly. "Remember to say something about the tributes from District Eleven, that is customary."  
I've written something down to say, because it is expected that we say something about tributes who were our allies in the arena. Neither Rue, nor Thresh were my allies, but Rue was Katniss' ally and I owe my life to Thresh as well. It seemed only fair to pay them my respects. I think about how Katniss showered that little girl in flowers and how upset she was when Thresh died. We can't let their deaths go by, unsung. Katniss is not good with words though, so she is happy to let me do the talking.

We enter the station of District Eleven. Cinna is fussing around Katniss. Peacekeepers come up and bring us to a truck, in which we're brought to the Justice Building. Once inside Effie sniffs and comments "Really, you'd think we were all criminals."

Katniss raises her eyebrows as if to say that indeed, we are criminals, but she says nothing. I wonder what to make of her expression, but nothing comes to mind.

It's a short ride to the Justice Building. Once inside we have to get ready for the ceremony. A stressed attendant leads us to the front entrance and clips microphones on us. As the anthem begins playing I take Katniss' hand and squeeze it reassuringly.  
"Big smiles!" Effie says and we walk outside where there is a large crowd that gives us a loud applause. We walk across the verandah to the end of some huge marble stairs where we stand still in the bright sun. I see the crowd of people standing in the square, looking at us. My eyes immediately go to the small podium in front of us, where the families of the dead tributes are seated. There is an older woman with a girl on Thresh's side and on Rue's side five young children huddled together, standing in front of their parents who look terribly sad. The sight of these mourning people pierces my heart and I rack my brain, trying to find if there is anything that I can do for them.

The mayor gives us a speech and we are given two bouquets of beautiful flowers. They must have cost a fortune. Thinking about money suddenly gives me an idea for something that we could do for these families. Katniss and I first reply by reading the cards Effie gave us and then I start to give my personal speech. I don't take my card out, I know what I want to say.

"I want to express our special thanks to the tributes of this district. Both Thresh and Rue fought and lived with great honour and dignity. They made it into the top eight. And they were both so young. But our lives aren't just measured in years. They're measured in the lives of the people we touch around us." I stay silent for a few seconds and look at Katniss, before I continue, "For myself, and for Katniss, we know that without Rue, and without Thresh we wouldn't be standing here today. It is a debt we can never repay."

I hesitate before I continue with what I just decided to say, "It can in no way replace your losses, but as a token of our thanks we'd like for each of the tributes' families from District Eleven to receive one month of our winnings every year for the duration of our lives."

In answer to what I just said there are a lot of murmurs and whisperings going through the crowd. It was a long shot, for me to give away our money, I don't know how it will be perceived, but I feel good about this. I see the older woman and the girl on Thresh's side stare at me as are Rue's parents and siblings. All of them overwhelmed by what I've just said. It doesn't make me happy though, in fact, I feel defeated and bad about the fact that we live and they died.

I feel Katniss eyes trained on me as well and I turn to her and smile a sad smile. I wonder how she feels about what I've said, and how I'm spending her money too. She answers this unspoken question by raising on her toes and placing a kiss on my cheek. I know instantly that this kiss is not an act, but a token of her gratitude towards me and I savor it. This act of kindness.

The mayor gives us both a large plaque which is hard to hold. Katniss even puts down her flowers to hold on to it. The ceremony is over and I'm about to walk back to the Justice Building as Katniss suddenly takes a step forward.  
"Wait!" she says. "Wait, please." I turn to her, surprised that she changed her mind and wants to say something.  
"I want to give my thanks to the tributes of District Eleven," she says. "I only ever spoke to Thresh one time. Just long enough for him to spare my life. I didn't know him, but I always respected him. For his power. For his refusal to play the Games on anyone's terms but his own. The Careers wanted him to team up with them from the beginning, but he wouldn't do it. I respected him for that."  
I see the older woman smile a bit at these words. And then Katniss turns to Rue's family.  
"But I feel as if I did know Rue, and she'll always be with me. Everything beautiful brings her to mind. I see her in the yellow flowers that grow in the Meadow by my house. I see her in the mockingjays that sing in the trees. But most of all, I see her in my sister, Prim. Thank you for your children." Katniss turns her attention to the crowd as she adds, "And thank you all for the bread."

Silence is her reply, which seems to last for minutes. But then I hear someone whistle the song that Katniss sung in the arena. The one that she and Rue used as a signal. Once the four notes have finished, the entire crowd lifts the three middle fingers of their left hand. They press them against their lips and extend them into the air. Our District Twelve sign, the one that means admiration and good-bye to someone you love. I'm moved by this beautiful gesture. To me it is like the people of District Eleven tell us with this that they forgive us, that they know we're not to blame for their children's deaths.

I look at Katniss who suddenly looks extremely nervous, and she appears to be searching for words to say something, although I don't understand why she would want that. What she said already was beautiful.

The mayor bids us a last thank you followed by another round of applause. I turn back to the Justice Building and lead Katniss with me, but before we enter it she stands still and lifts her hand to her head.  
"Are you all right?" I ask her.  
"Just dizzy. The sun was so bright," she replies whilst looking down. I have a feeling that something is wrong. "I forgot my flowers," she mutters.

"I'll get them," I say, I turn around and see them lying on the marble.

"I can," she answers.

But before either of us can walk forward to get the flowers we see how a couple of peacekeepers come up the stairs. They're dragging an old man behind them. It is the man who whistled Rue's tune. Once they're on top of the stairs they are forcing the man to his knees before the crowd. One of them holds out a gun, and puts a bullet through his head.

Disclaimer: Parts of Peeta's speech on the verandah is taken from the movie 'Catching Fire.'


	5. Nights on the train

**Chapter 5 – Nights on the train**

The man has only just crumpled to the ground when a wall of white Peacekeeper uniforms blocks our view. They are pushing Katniss and I feel a rush of anger going through me and a fierce protectiveness gets hold of me when it comes to Katniss.  
"We're going!" I say and I shove the Peacekeeper away from her. "We get it, all right? Come on, Katniss." I wrap my arm around her, shielding her from these people and bring her into the Justice Building. The door slams shut behind us and I release my breath now that we're safe inside.  
I see the others standing under a screen that is now static, but it must have showed the events happening outside. They all look worried and Effie rushes over towards us.  
"What happened?" she asks. "We lost the feed just after Katniss's beautiful speech, and then Haymitch said he thought he heard a gun fire, and I said it was ridiculous, but who knows? There are lunatics everywhere!"  
"Nothing happened, Effie. An old truck backfired," I tell her, thinking how she probably can't handle the truth. But just as I say it, we hear two more shots, revealing my lie instantly.

"Both of you. With me," says Haymitch, anxiety written on his face. I'm not sure what's going on, but there are people getting shot here so I'm guessing it's nothing good. Could this have something to do with how Katniss acted outside? Katniss and I follow Haymitch who takes the stairs two at the time and leads us into an enormous room. I try to figure out why these people got shot and what caused it. Katniss thanking them for the bread? The whistle? It must have something to do with the whistle, because they shot the man who whistled first.

I drop the flowers and the plaque on a couch while Haymitch rids us of the microphones and waves us on. He leads us through stairs and hallways, forces doors to open and finally makes us climb a ladder which leads into the dome of the building. I'm having trouble climbing the ladder, with my artificial leg and all the while I'm wondering why Haymitch wants us all the way up here.

Once we're inside Haymitch kicks the trapdoor shut and asks. "What happened?"  
I look at Katniss, who stares to the ground. Then I look at Haymitch and tell him everything from the whistle to the murder. I still don't know what happened exactly and why, but I have an idea that Haymitch knows. "What's going on, Haymitch?"  
"It will be better coming from you," Haymitch says, looking at Katniss.  
Surprised by his words I turn to Katniss. "What is he talking about?"

She lifts her head and looks at me. "President Snow came to see me. He's threatened me since there is unrest in the districts because of our berries. He knew about the time Gale kissed me. He threatened to have him killed. We are all in danger now, the whole country, just because of the trick we pulled with the berries." She stops to take a deep breath and continues, "I was supposed to fix things on this tour. Make everyone who had doubted believe I acted out of love. Calm things down. But obviously, all I've done today is get three people killed, and now everyone in the square will be punished."

Katniss sits down on a stuffy couch, while I process her words. So she and Gale kissed, I shouldn't be surprised. But it hurts anyway. More pressing is what she said about Snow threatening her and suddenly I'm angry though, because she should've told me. And Haymitch knew too, so obviously they kept this from me. As to why that is, I do not know, but I want no more of it.

"Then I made things worse, too. By giving the money," I say and in my sudden fury I smash a lamp down on the floor, where it shatters into pieces. "This has to stop. Right now. This - this - game you two play, where you tell each other secrets but keep them from me like I'm too inconsequential or stupid or weak to handle them."  
"It's not like that, Peeta - " Katniss starts, but I don't want to hear an apology made out of lies.  
"It's exactly like that!" I am yelling now. "I have people I care about, too, Katniss! Family and friends back in District Twelve who will be just as dead as yours if we don't pull this thing off. So, after all we went through in the arena, don't I even rate the truth from you?"  
All the anger I felt towards her caused by her betrayal comes out now and I feel the heat of it burn my cheeks.  
"You're always so reliably good, Peeta," says Haymitch. "So smart about how you present yourself before the cameras. I didn't want to disrupt that."  
"Well, you overestimated me. Because I really screwed up today. What do you think is going to happen to Rue's and Thresh's families? Do you think they'll get their share of our winnings? Do you think I gave them a bright future? Because I think they'll be lucky if they survive the day!" I shout at him while I pick up a statue and throw it across the room. I don't think I've ever been this angry in my entire life.  
"He's right, Haymitch," Katniss says. "We were wrong not to tell him. Even back in the Capitol."  
The fact that Katniss defends me, calms me down a bit. But I'm still not done.  
"Even in the arena, you two had some sort of system worked out, didn't you?" I ask, a little quieter, "Something I wasn't part of."  
"No. Not officially. I just could tell what Haymitch wanted me to do by what he sent, or didn't send," Katniss says.  
"Well, I never had that opportunity. Because he never sent me anything until you showed up," I say and I hear the venom in my own voice even though I never minded Haymitch choosing Katniss over me. Where is all this anger coming from, I wonder. There must be more to it than just this one thing they've kept from me.  
"Look, boy - " Haymitch begins. But I don't need to hear his explanation.  
"Don't bother, Haymitch." I interrupt him. "I know you had to choose one of us. And I'd have wanted it to be her. But this is something different. People are dead out there. More will follow unless we're very good. We all know I'm better than Katniss in front of the cameras. No one needs to coach me on what to say. But I have to know what I'm walking into."  
"From now on, you'll be fully informed," Haymitch promises.  
"I better be," I say and I turn around and leave the room.

As I try to make my way back to the room where our stuff is I replay what just happened in my head. I feel the rush of adrenaline slowly drifting off and now I'm a little ashamed of my tantrum. But I'm still furious about how they treat me. They make me feel like I'm just a pawn in their games. Even more, they make me feel like my mother used to make me feel. Like I am too stupid to get it. Like I do not matter. I'm still angry when I'm back in the large room and Portia comes to lead me to a dressing room which has a shower too. I'm thankful for the shower, because after all that has happened I need it to clear my mind. When I come out of it I see Haymitch sitting in a chair in my dressing room.

"Peeta," he starts, "listen to me, please."

I just nod at him while I dress in the clothes Portia laid out for me.

"I know we should've told you. But be mad at me, not at Katniss," Haymitch says, "I told her to not say anything because I thought you'd be better off not knowing. So she just followed instructions. You shouldn't have yelled to her like that. She can't deal with that right now."

I don't know why he feels he should defend Katniss, probably because we can't handle me being mad at her now that the big dinner is about to start. Don't want to spoil the act, I get that. What I don't get is why they left me out of it, though.

"But why, Haymitch? Why didn't you tell me, I should have known." I say accusingly.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry, I misjudged this whole thing. I thought it wasn't that difficult and in the end, it is Katniss who needs to prove her love, not you."

"Yeah, thanks for reminding me." I say and I scowl at him, suddenly feeling sad about the truth of his words. I think about what Katniss had said, Gale kissing her and I'm jealous all over again. I also remember my idea about breaking up with her. But now that I know this about President Snow, that is out of the window. I decide to share it with Haymitch though.

"I wanted to play out that we've broken up, you know. I thought maybe that could work if we played it right and then we could go on with our lives." I say, "but now I know that is not going to work."

"No, it's not." Haymitch says and he looks at me with pity in his eyes.

"Don't worry about me," I sigh, "I'll be fine."  
He nods and gets up to change for the dinner.

Together with Portia I walk to the room from which we're to enter the dining area. Katniss is already there, she looks stunning again, in a pink strapless dress that does things to me that I really don't need right now.  
Effie informs us all on the schedule for tonight, which involves eating, dancing and for Katniss and me, kissing as well. When she's finished she flings the program away and says, "And then, thank goodness, we can all get on that train and get out of here."  
"Is something wrong, Effie?" asks Cinna.  
"I don't like the way we've been treated. Being stuffed into trucks and barred from the platform. And then, about an hour ago, I decided to look around the Justice Building. I'm something of an expert in architectural design, you know," she says.  
"Oh, yes, I've heard that," says Portia after a long silence. I suspect she's heard nothing of the kind, but Effie doesn't seem to notice.

"So, I was just having a peek around because district ruins are going to be all the rage this year, when two Peacemakers showed up and ordered me back to our quarters. One of them actually poked me with her gun!" says Effie.  
Katniss turns to her and gives her a hug, which is pretty out of character for her.  
"That's awful, Effie. Maybe we shouldn't go to the dinner at all. At least until they've apologized." She says to her.  
"No, I'll manage. It's part of my job to weather the ups and downs. And we can't let you two miss your dinner," Effie says. "But thank you for the offer, Katniss."

We get ready to enter the room, Effie tells us we have to follow fifteen steps behind Haymitch. As the music starts Katniss takes my hand and I feel the familiar warmth of her fingers entwined with mine again. I think about what Haymitch just told me and decide to apologize.  
"Haymitch says I was wrong to yell at you. You were only operating under his instructions. And it isn't as if I haven't kept things from you in the past." With this I mean the interview I had with Caesar Flickerman, in which I told the entire world that I was in love with Katniss.  
"I think I broke a few things myself after that interview." Katniss replies.  
"Just an urn," I say.  
"And your hands. There's no point to it anymore, though, is there? Not being straight with each other?" she says, looking at me.  
"No point," I say and as long as she's being straight with me I might as well ask her what has been bothering me all this time. "Was that really the only time you kissed Gale?"  
"Yes." Is all she says and I am surprised at her answer. But there is no time to think about this now because Haymitch has just disappeared into the dining room.

"That's fifteen. Let's do it," I say.

We walk down the stairs and reach the room where we're presented with an exquisite dinner. After that there is dancing and Katniss and I are linked together throughout the whole evening. She is very generous with her kisses and I can't help thinking with a certain degree of satisfaction that I've outscored Gale when it comes to kissing Katniss.

When we arrive back at the train I am exhausted, caused by the events of the day. I immediately go off to my compartment and put on my pajamas to go to bed.

Sleep doesn't come and after an hour or two I get up and stroll through the train.

I hear the screams when I'm about five compartments away from hers but I recognize her voice instantly. The despair in it is so clear that I break out into a run and burst into her room.

Katniss is in bed, it looks like she's sleeping but she's flailing around and she's still screaming.

Screaming my name…

I rush over to the bed and take her by her shoulders. "Katniss," I say, "Katniss, wake up."

Her eyes fly open and she looks bewildered for a moment. Then she recognizes my face and she just flings herself at me. Her tears soak the shirt of my pajamas.

I wrap my arms tightly around her, stroking her hair and I whisper in her ear. "It's okay, it's okay. It was just a dream. It's not real," I tell her, over and over again.

The position I sit in is uncomfortable and I shift myself unto her bed. Katniss still clings to me, whispering my name. I position her so that her head rests against my chest, my one arm around her shoulders and the other around her waist. It's like we're back in the cave in the arena.

I feel her shaking lessening as she calms down. "Thank you," she whispers, "for being here with me."

"Of course," I whisper and I keep stroking her hair and press a kiss on top of her head. After a while she falls asleep again but I stay with her, because I feel she wants me to and I want to stay myself. I hate to see her this weak and upset and if there is anything I can do to help her I will. I'll go to the end of the earth for her. To make her feel my love.

I might as well accept for myself that this is my truth. That there is nothing that could happen or nothing she could do to make me forget that I love her. It is inevitable and there is nothing I can do to change it. I love her.

Visiting the districts goes by in a haze. District ten and nine pass without any lasting impression. I'm stressed out to see the family of the girl from Eight. To see the accusation in their eyes. Surprisingly enough, I don't see it though, the blame I give myself for killing her is not reflected by her family. Apparently they don't blame me for her death. I wonder if the parents of Foxface will feel the same.

During the night Katniss keeps having nightmares. I'm not sleeping well myself, too stressed out to face the families of the fallen tributes, too anxious for the threat looming over us. So I keep roaming the train and I keep ending up in Katniss' bed. She has dark circles under her eyes and Effie eventually gives her sleeping pills to help her sleep. On that night I hear her scream again. When I enter her compartment this time I have trouble waking her. Eventually I have to shake her shoulders hard and yell her name to wake her from her sedated sleep. As soon as she wakes she pulls me into her bed again. "Stay with me," she whispers.

I hold her in my arms, we lie entwined into each other. Her leg wrapped around me, her body pressed to mine. We fall asleep together and the rest of the night passes by quietly.

From this night on Katniss refuses to sleep alone again. As soon as we enter the train she takes me with her to her room and we sleep together. To be with her like this, despite our dire circumstances, is amazing to me. I cherish our time together, the feel of her body pressed to mine. Her arm around my waist, her head against my chest. All the love I feel for her I pour out on these nights. The only thing that matters to me is that she's safe in my arms. It doesn't even matter anymore that she doesn't love me like I love her. As long as she is safe, I'm happy.

The days are wearing me out. Seeing the parents of Foxface in District Five is as awful as I thought it would be. But District Four is truly devastating. It turns out Brandon has a twin brother who keeps staring at me through the entire ceremony. Seeing Marly's family on the other side sends a stab of pain through me. That night, even with Katniss beside me, I have terrible dreams of them changing into mutts and killing Katniss in front of me. The only thing that helps is waking up to find she's still breathing in my arms.

District Two and One are awful, too. The faces of the families remind me of their children. Of all I've been through with them. Cato and our fight, his dreadful end, Clove with her knifes. Glimmer and Marvel who let me into their alliance, be it with disdain. For Katniss this is even worse, because she is personally responsible for both their deaths. In the night after our visit to District One she wakes me three times because of the force of her nightmares.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask her after the third time.  
"I didn't even know his name." She says in reply.

"That's okay, Katniss," I tell her, "why would you know his name?"

"You knew," she says.

"Yes, but we had an alliance," I say, tightening my arms around her. "You shouldn't torture yourself for this. It wasn't your fault."

"I killed him, it was my fault." She answers desperately.

"No, it wasn't," I tell her. "You didn't have a choice."

I feel her nod against my chest and I lean down to kiss her on her forehead. "Sleep," I whisper, and I start stroking her hair. I feel her hand caressing my waist until her breath comes even again and I know she's sleeping.

In the mean time the crowds in several districts seem agitated. While Katniss and I play out our love story for all that it's worth, I have a feeling it's not really working. These people are beyond believing us and caring about our love. They are ready to start an uprising and we feel hopeless because there is nothing we can do to tone it down.  
By the time we reach the Capitol, we are desperate. Katniss has lost weight despite the abundance of food and we both have dark circles under our eyes. There are dinners and receptions and we have an interview with Caesar Flickerman before the grand finale in the Presidents mansion.

Before we get to the interview we have a little time in the Training Center to change and rest.

As we sit in the living room of our own floor in the Trainning Center and discuss what our next move is, Katniss suddenly says, "We could get married?"

Haymitch and I stare at her for a moment. Is she serious?

"It does make a statement." Haymitch says.

"Yes, and we're heading to it anyway, so why not now?" Katniss says.

I think about the first night on the train, how I've come to this conclusion and how I thought it would be the worst nightmare. Despite these nights in the train, I do not want to marry someone who doesn't love me back. But what choice do we have, really? And in the end, isn't this my fault, really? I am the one who started this all at my first interview with Caesar.

"Sure, let's do it," I say and I get up and walk to my own room.

I lock the door and sit on the edge of the bed, letting my head sink into my hands. I'm trying to work out my feelings. A part of me is excited and happy because getting married to Katniss means being with her all the time. But the biggest part of me is scared. Scared of what will happen. Will she avoid me? Will we sleep together like we slept on the train? Will there ever be a moment that we both will be truly happy to be married to each other? I think not, not in these circumstances. Marrying because you have to, instead of because you want to, the whole thing makes me miserable. My mind wanders to Gale involuntarily, I wonder what he makes out of all of this. He can't be happy about it, that's for sure. And not just him, my parents too and my brothers, who do not understand my relationship with Katniss. And how to explain to them, that I'm marrying her because we have to. These people, who don't know how the games affect us, and what this threat of the president does to us, will never understand. I feel utterly alone.

When the interview starts I feel sick to my stomach, but I know I have to pull this off. Caesar and I have a good chemistry and throughout the interview I start to relax a bit. When he asks me about our future plans I take this as my cue.

I get down on one knee and take Katniss' hand in mine and pour out my heart, not afraid of laying it on thick. The Capitol audience loves the drama and I'm nothing if not a great actor.

"Katniss, you are the love of my life. All of my life I knew you were the one for me and after all we've been through together, something became clear to me. You are the one who holds my life in your hands, you are the center of my universe. It is not the gravity of the earth that ties me to the place where I stand. It is you. You are my whole world and therefore I want to ask you with all that I have in me, to marry me. Will you please be my wife?"

Katniss accepts my proposal with a wide smile which almost seems genuine. Caesar and the audience are ecstatic at this sudden turn of events. I put a ring around her finger, that Effie provided for me and she pulls me up and kisses me fervently, which also almost seems genuine.

Then, to our surprise, President Snow comes up the stage and congratulates us. He's holding my hand and gives me a slap on my shoulder, before going over to Katniss to embrace her. I feel the urge to get him off of her, but I know there isn't anything I can do about it. It suddenly appears to me that I am not the one who decided to marry Katniss. I am not the one who is in control over our lives. He is the one in control, and the thought is terrifying. I stare at him while Katniss breaks free from his hug and I notice the light shake of his head.

Disclaimer: The lines "I'll go to the end of the earth for her. To make her feel my love" are from the song "To make you feel my love" by Adele.

Disclaimer: Peeta's wedding proposal is inspired by the imprinting of Jacob on Renesmee in _Breaking Dawn _by Stephenie Meyer.

Disclaimer: I've used some lines from the movie 'Catching Fire.'


	6. In the President's mansion

**Chapter 6 – In the President's mansion**

In that one slight motion, there is so much disdain and I feel a strong hate for the president boiling up in me. I don't know exactly what it implies but I do know I dislike this man with every fiber of my being. But we are still in the middle of a live broadcast and I can't let anything show.

Katniss doesn't have a problem with keeping up the act. In fact, it seems as if she is truly happy, smiling at the audience and she reacts overjoyed when the President says, "What do you think about us throwing them a wedding right here in the Capitol?"  
Caesar Flickerman reacts to the President, "Do you have a date in mind."  
"Oh, before we set a date, we better clear it with Katniss's mother," says the President while he puts an arm around her. I have to resist the urge to grab him and push him away from her. Instead I laugh at his joke. "Maybe if the whole country puts its mind to it, we can get you married before you're thirty."  
"You'll probably have to pass a new law," Katniss says, giggling.  
"If that's what it takes," the President answers, smiling.  
We all seem to have a great time but I'm glad when the interview is finally over and we are brought to the President's mansion, where the party is held.

The party is overwhelming, there is music and entertainment. Tables filled with food, everywhere I look. There is a dance floor as well, but the food is the most prominent factor of this evening. Roasted meat from animals I've never seen in my life. Fish and other seafood. Fruit and nuts, cheeses and bread. A lot of pastry which I'm dying to check out. My eyes are still roaming the room when Katniss takes my arm and says, "I want to taste everything in the room." Her eyes are glistening.

It is really weird to see her this excited. Where does it come from? I thought President Snow's appearance was anything but reassuring. Obviously, Katniss seems to feel differently about it. Does she think we've succeeded in our mission to convince the districts? I can hardly believe that because those districts were on the verge of an outburst for all I could tell. It must be something I don't understand but there is no room here to ask her about it, because of the camera's trained on us. So instead I say, "Then you'd better pace yourself."  
"Okay, no more than one bite of each dish," she says and we walk to the first table that is filled with two dozen different sorts of soup. My eyes fall on a fresh soup made with chicken broth while Katniss tries out a creamy pumpkin soup. "I could just eat this all night!" she calls out. Her excitement makes me smile. She acts like a little child. While we walk from table to table, people keep coming up to us to talk to us, to hug us and take their pictures with us. Katniss makes me eat a delicious roasted bird she couldn't finish and it doesn't take long before we're both stuffed.

I'm looking around in the room, wondering about these people chatting and dancing and eating. Is there anything in their lives that doesn't come easy? Do they live their lives from party to party, never wholly satisfied, always looking for a new rush? To live like this seems exhausting to me. I'd prefer my daily program of baking and painting and the structure my life has. Does that make me boring?  
Katniss' prep team comes towards us, they are as drunk as Haymitch, but in stark contrast to him, they're utterly excited.  
"Why aren't you eating?" asks the woman with the green skin, I think her name is Octavia.

"I have been, but I can't hold another bite," Katniss answers and the three of them burst out laughing.

"No one lets that stop them!" says the guy with the orange corkscrew. "Come." He waves us over to a table where wineglasses stand, filled with clear liquid. "Drink this!"  
I pick one up and take a sip. The bitterness of the drink makes me frown while these people in front of me shriek of horror because of what I've just done.  
"Not here!" Octavia exclaims.  
"You have to do it in there," says the other woman and she points towards the toilets. "Or you'll get it all over the floor!"

I stare at the glass in my hand as it dawns on me. "You mean this will make me puke?"  
They all laugh now. "Of course, so you can keep eating, I've been in there twice already. Everyone does it, or else how would you have any fun at a feast?" says Octavia.  
This is possibly the most appalling thing I've ever heard but I can't speak that aloud in front of Katniss' prep team. Instead I place the glass carefully back on the table and take Katniss by her arm. "Come on, Katniss, let's dance."

I lead Katniss to the dance floor and pull her in my arms. The music is slow, and we move to its rhythm in circles. The dance is easy which is good, because my mind is occupied with something else. These drinks that make you puke, it is so disgusting. And these people, to act like it is normal. I suddenly think we made a big mistake on our approach for this tour.  
"You go along, thinking you can deal with it, thinking maybe they're not so bad, and then you - " I say, but I stop myself midsentence, suddenly overwhelmed by the injustice of it all. How can it be that the world is divided like this. That in our district, and in plenty others by the looks of it, children are starving, while here in the Capitol they stuff themselves just to throw it all up again.  
"Peeta, they bring us here to fight to the death for their entertainment," Katniss answers after a few moments of silence. "Really, this is nothing by comparison."  
"I know. I know that. It's just sometimes I can't stand it anymore. To the point where ... I'm not sure what I'll do." I pause again, thinking about the food and the mistake we made and I whisper, "Maybe we were wrong, Katniss."  
"About what?" she asks.  
"About trying to subdue things in the districts," I reply.  
Katniss turns her head to check if anyone overheard what I've said and I immediately recognize my mistake. If someone had just heard what I said we'd be in big trouble.

"Sorry," I say.  
"Save it for home," Katniss whispers and I nod.

Portia comes up behind us, bringing a man with her whom she introduces as Plutarch Heavensbee, the new Head Gamemaker. I look at the man and try to disguise my horror. The new Head Gamemaker, so this guy chooses a job which involves making up ways for children to kill each other. How can he even live with himself, I wonder.

Plutarch shakes our hands and asks me, "Would you mind if I steal your fiancée for a dance?"

I smile at the man and give Katniss over to him. "Don't get too attached!" I warn him and we laugh.

Katniss shows a bit of distress though, and I can tell she doesn't like this at all. Katniss doesn't appreciate it when people come too close to her. And when it comes to Gamemakers it will probably be twice as hard. It is a miracle in itself that she doesn't mind me touching her. This last thought makes me confused as I think of the nights we spend in the train. Holding on to each other desperately to keep our sanity. What does it mean to her? It can't be the same as what it means to me, but still, a part of me tells me that if you're willing to sleep with a person like this, doesn't that mean there must be something more? I shake my head because I don't want to think like this, it will only lead me back to where I was six months ago. Shattered and alone.

Katniss is dancing and chatting with Plutarch Heavensbee and I see my chance to check out the pastry table I noticed earlier. As I walk through the room people keep holding me back and hugging and kissing me. Telling me how my love for Katniss inspired them to be a better person. I just have to think about the little wineglasses to know how much value their words hold. So I shake them off as soon as I can and finally arrive at a table filled with all different kinds of cake and other baked goods. As I admire the cakes I think about how they represent something positive in the midst of all of this. They remind me of my home, a welcome distraction.

My love for baking has never ceased. It calms me down and the more difficult the recipe is, the better I feel working on it. Always trying to enhance myself, to make the dough fluffier, the cake creamier.  
The cakes installed here are all beauties of their own. I smile at the attendant and ask him about a delicious looking orange cake, which seemed to be filled with some kind of cream and oranges. The attendant tells me he doesn't know but do I want to talk to the head chef.

"Yes, I would like that very much," I say and he leaves to get the chef.

After a few minutes he arrives back with three people wearing white aprons. They introduce themselves as pastry bakers for the president and answer my questions about techniques and ingredients used on the different cakes and baked goods.  
"They all look and taste so good," I compliment them. At this they're glowing with excitement.

"Would it be possible if I could take some of them home to examine them, I would love to replicate them for our bakery back in District 12." I ask.

"That would be an honor, Mister Mellark," says the head chef.

"Oh please, just call me Peeta," I answer, smiling, "I'm only sixteen years old."

They all laugh. "As you will, Peeta," the chef says and he disappears to get a box for the cakes. At this precise moment Katniss shows up at my side again and I look around the room. It is getting a bit emptier, which indicates the party is coming to an end.  
"Effie said we have to be on the train at one. I wonder what time it is," I say to Katniss.  
"Almost midnight," she replies while taking a chocolate from a cake and putting it into her mouth. I smile at her lack of manners just as Effie arrives. "Time to say thank you and farewell!" she says and we go off to shake hands with important people before we're taken back to the train and back to our homes.

"Shouldn't we thank President Snow?" I ask Effie, "It's his house."  
"Oh, he's not a big one for parties. Too busy," says Effie. "I've already arranged for the necessary notes and gifts to be sent to him tomorrow." She looks around and exclaims, "there you are!"

She waves at two attendants who carry Haymitch towards us. He is flat out drunk again. We get into a car that brings us to the train station and at one o'clock we pull out of the station, leaving the Capitol behind. We gather together in the dining room where Cinna orders tea for all of us and Effie informs us on the schedule.  
"There's the Harvest Festival in District Twelve to think about. So I suggest we drink our tea and head straight to bed." She says.

That seems as good an idea as any, because I can see Katniss can barely keep her eyes open. She gets up and stumbles to her compartment without saying anything to us. The others disappear as well and for a moment I sit alone. It's not that I don't want to sleep, but I don't want to sleep alone. Tomorrow night I'll sleep in my own bed again and this will be my last chance to hold her in my arms. I hesitate, because somehow it feels wrong and I don't even know if she wants me to come sleep with her. But finally I give in because I know I won't sleep for a minute if I go to my own room now. So I change into pajamas and head out for Katniss' compartment.

She is already asleep when I enter. Another wave of doubt rushes through me. Should I even be here? Then I remember how she practically dragged me to her room last night, when we came back from District One. With this memory I decide that if she can sleep with me because she needs it, I can do the same. So I crawl into the bed and lie next to her, feeling her warmth beside me. As if on cue, Katniss shifts herself in her sleep and rests her head on my arm. Her back pressed against me. I turn to my side so we're spooning and I wrap my other arm around her waist, my hand on her belly. In this position I fall into a soundless sleep.

When I wake up, the day has already begun. Katniss is still lying on my arm, her own arm lying on top of my other arm around her waist. Judged by her breathing she is still sound asleep. I look down at her face and see a peaceful expression written on it, making her more beautiful than ever. I feel a stab of regret as I think about the fact that this peaceful night will be the last night of us sleeping together.

The weird thing about this night, is that she didn't wake me with a nightmare and I didn't have one either. Maybe because this tour has come to its end, we can let go of all the pressure it has laid on us. I wonder how it will be if we arrive back home. A lot has happened on this tour. We became friends, became each other's beacon in the night and now we're engaged to be married. It all seems surreal to me. In District 12, Katniss will spend her time with Gale again. I wonder if that also means she'll go back to ignoring me. Somehow I don't believe that. But what will be left of us when we sleep in our own beds again? Will I end up losing her again?

I feel Katniss stir against me and she turns her head to see that I'm awake.  
"No nightmares," I establish.  
"What?" she asks.  
"You didn't have any nightmares last night," I explain.  
"I had a dream, though," she says. "I was following a mockingjay through the woods. For a long time. It was Rue, really. I mean, when it sang, it had her voice."  
"Where did she take you?" I say as I brush a strand of hair away from her forehead.  
"I don't know. We never arrived," she says. "But I felt happy."  
"Well, you slept like you were happy," I answer.

Katniss turns around in my arms and looks at me.  
"Peeta, how come I never know when you're having a nightmare?" she asks.  
"I don't know. I don't think I cry out or thrash around or anything. I just come to, paralyzed with terror," I tell her.  
"You should wake me," she says.  
"It's not necessary. My nightmares are usually about losing you. I'm okay once I realize you're here."  
I say and she frowns at that. She probably doesn't like me saying this, it only reminds her of what I feel for her and how she doesn't love me back.  
"Be worse when we're home and I'm sleeping alone again," I say and I'm suddenly dreading it. Despite the tension and stress this tour has given me, it felt good to spend my time with Katniss again and being home mostly means being alone. I'll get through it though, I'll pick up my routine. I did it last time and at that point the climb was much steeper. At least now I don't have to cope with a broken heart, I think. All I have to cope with are my nightmares.

We get up because we've arrived at the train station of District Twelve. Our families are there to greet us and our close friends as well. At least, my close friends are here. I notice Gale is nowhere to be seen. I can't help thinking that it has to do with our engagement. In any case I am happy to see my friends and family again. They are all invited to the dinner too, at Mayor Undersee's house tonight.

Tomorrow there will be the Harvest Festival which is always celebrated on the last day of the Victory Tour. For district 12 it will be a big party this year. The Capitol will provide food and entertainment and for once they will not be the only ones who have enough to eat.

After a short time at the train station Effie whisks us all into a car that takes us to the Mayor's house. There Portia and my prep team descend on me to give me a facial and bury my face under a layer of make-up. At least I won't miss that now that I am back home, all the make-up on my face.

While they work their way on me I'm thinking back to yesterday. And how I felt we made a mistake by calming down the districts. Why should we side with the President against the districts? Having witnessed what we have see on this tour, I think it should be the other way around.

After I'm ready and we walk downstairs to attend the dinner all I can think about is what would've happened if we fought back. If we fight back now. If we create an uprising.


	7. And at the end a whipping

**Chapter 7 – And at the end a whipping**

A leather jacket, tight fitting shirts and black pants is what I'm wearing for the dinner in the mayor's house. The dinner is held in a large hall where tables are set in a long row. Katniss and I sit in the middle, surrounded by our closest family, Haymitch and Effie. I feel more at ease in my own District and am actually enjoying this evening. My friends and family are invited and the pressure of keeping up the act is lifted a bit. Although we are still supposed to be in love, I feel as if the worst part is over. Everyone congratulates us on our engagement, which is weird and I have the urge to tell them all that it was fake, but of course I can't do that. I see Nick looking questionably at me. He's clearly having trouble understanding it. But how can I explain to him why we did it? I don't know what to say and how to clarify to all of them what is actually going on without bringing them all in danger.

Katniss' mother doesn't seem pleased with it all. She shakes my hand but the look in her eyes is a little cool. Katniss' supposed family, which is actually Gale's family, is here as well. They are not related, but they made him her cousin, during our Games, because of our love story. Another thing that is fake in our lives. Gale himself is absent, just as he was at the station when we arrived. A part of me loathes him, because he abandons Katniss like this. What kind of a friend is he, to do that to her? Clearly she's having a lot of trouble coping with our Games. Countless nightmares in the train are evidence for that. He should be here for her, to support her. This romance of ours is forced, he must know that. So why stay away? It seems so selfish to me. On the other hand, it is not that my friends understand me all that well. And if I could stay away, to prevent her from breaking my heart. Maybe I would do it too. Although I'm not sure about it. I don't know if I can. Our lives are bound together, one way or another.

The one person who is truly excited is Prim. She stays by Katniss' side all the time and is smiling and telling me how happy she is that we are back and that we are getting married. I don't know what to make of it, because the girl is smart enough to know that this is quite a turnaround from how we left two weeks ago. Being Katniss' sister, she must also know that Katniss doesn't even love me like this.

After the party we go straight home and I sleep alone again. It means not sleeping much, I am too anxious because of all these conflicting emotions about Katniss and the idea of an uprising, which seems ridiculous in the cold of the night, at home alone. The wind blazing through the open window, chilling the very air around me.

The Harvest Festival on the next day means a lot of food for every citizen of District 12. They get cans of oil and bags of grain. It is amazing to see the faces of the starving children from the Seam being alight with happiness over all this abundance. Because Katniss and I won the Games last year. The Capitol has spared no expenses and the party is one that people from our District aren't likely to forget.

Katniss and I are paraded around the district. She seems happy about the kids running around with their food, but her mind is occupied. I wonder if she also has her mind on the possibilities of uprisings and how to proceed our life from here. A part of me still has hope that she wants to spend her time with me, be with me in some way. Fuelled by the way Katniss acted during our tour, wanting me to sleep with her. The rest of me screams at myself to not let my guard down. Because I can't know for sure and the pain will be too much to handle if she rejects me again. But the screaming part seems to have lost force and I know I can't close myself off from her again. I'm in it now, in this weird relationship we have, where the boundaries between real and not real are unclear.

At the end of the day she kisses me once more, intently, in front of the camera's and then the tour has officially come to an end. No more kisses, no more holding hands. I am pathetic enough to admit that I miss that already, even though it is fake.

Portia walks me back home and I decide to ask her advice on how to handle this fake life. "I don't know how to explain to my family and friends why we're engaged." I say to her, as soon as everyone else is outside of hearing distance.  
"You can't tell them the truth?" Portia asks.  
"What truth? That I want to marry her? Or that we did it because Snow threatened us?" I say sarcastically. Portia and Cinna know about the danger we're in. Haymitch thought it necessary because they decide what we wear and how we look, and our image is so important.  
"No, better not." She replies, "if anyone found out you are telling this to people, who knows what might happen. Maybe it's best if they all believe you two changed your mind during the tour. If they don't suspect anything already."  
I nod because I can't think of anything better. When we arrive at my house she hugs me goodbye. "I'll see you at the Quell," she says.  
"See you then," I reply and I go inside and sink down on the couch, lost in thoughts.

The Quell. Portia means the 75th hunger games. Every 25 years there is a special twist to the games and that is why they're called Quarter Quell. This year will be the third Quarter Quell. What the twist will be is unknown, but chances are it isn't anything good. During these Games Katniss and I will be mentors. We'll have to present ourselves at lovers then, as an engaged couple even. Maybe the president wants to schedule our marriage before the Quell, although we'll both be only seventeen, which seems a little young to get married. Not that they care about that. To them we are just a form of entertainment, still a piece in their games. It makes me so mad that I can't dictate my own life anymore. I told Katniss last year that I still want to be me, stay close to my own self, but now I feel they are taking it away from me. My life, my choices, my identity. How much more will they take, and will there be anything that will remain? In my mind I go back to that night on the roof. I wanted to be more than a piece in their games and Katniss said, "But you're not. None of us are. That's how the Games work."

"Okay, but within that framework, there's still you, there's still me," I'd said. "Don't you see?" Katniss had answered that no one cares about that and today I feel the truth of those words.  
My only hope is that there might be a chance that our marriage will be cancelled. If the suppressed anger of the districts blows up, the government will be too occupied with keeping the country under control. Nobody will care about our marriage then.

The phone rings and I get up to answer it. There are not a lot of people in our District that have a phone, but my parents and most of my friends do have one, being from the merchant class and therefore richer than most. We mostly use it for ordering supplies, not for social calls.  
When I take the horn my father's voice sounds on the other end of the line. "Hello Peeta, you just got home?" he asks.  
"Yes," I say, "What is it, something wrong?" I just spoke to him an hour ago, so what would be so urgent for him to call me now.  
"Nothing's wrong. We just forgot to ask you if you want to come have dinner with us on Sunday?" He says.  
"Oh, sure, yes, that's fine." I say.  
"Good, see you around six then?"  
"Yes, I'll be there." I say and I hang up the phone. It is a good thing to have dinner with my parents again. Pick up the routine, pick up my life how I left it before the tour. I wonder how Katniss will be faring with that. Now that it seems we're under surveillance, hunting will be a bad idea. Breaking the law when so many eyes are on you, that can't be smart. I hope she figures this out herself. She loves the woods and my heart aches for her because she can't go there anymore. But our lives depend on it.

This night I sleep a little better and I even sleep in. The morning I spend with baking cookies, loaves of good hearty bread with nuts and raisins in them and a whole bunch of cheese buns. I drop the cookies and the cheese buns off at Katniss' house in the afternoon, because they've run out of them since I wasn't here to provide them. Not that Prim and Mrs. Everdeen eat a lot of cheese buns. Katniss is actually the one that really likes them. Prim mentioned that to me once and since then I made sure there were always enough of them. I don't exactly know why I do this. To make her happy, I guess, and it makes me glad that there is something I can do that increases her happiness. But I think it is also about gaining her favour, which to me seems pretty pathetic. Loving Katniss is my biggest weakness.

After I've dropped of the bread I go check on Haymitch. He is drunk as usual, but I manage to get him to eat a few slices of bread and we drink some tea together.

On Sunday I leave my house late in the afternoon to visit my parents. As I leave the Victor's Village I see Katniss walking towards me. She is in hunter's gear which means she went to the woods again today. Probably with Gale. I can't help the jealousy I feel when I think about her and Gale together. And the part of me that I'm not so proud of wishes him gone.

"Been hunting?" I ask her when she's reached me.

"Not really. Going to town?" she asks. Not really? That is weird, she's been in the woods, that much is clear, so why wouldn't she be hunting?  
"Yes. I'm supposed to eat dinner with my family," I say.  
"Well, I can at least walk you in." She says.

We walk towards town together. I look at her from the corner from my eye. She seems upset about something and there is obviously a lot on her mind. I'm thinking she's walking me to town for a reason, she probably wants to talk, although I have no idea about what. And I don't feel like pulling it out of her. If she has something to say, let her say it.

As we approach the square she inhales deeply and finally gets the words out. "Peeta, if I asked you to run away from the district with me, would you?"  
This I didn't expect. She wants to flee? I imagined Katniss wanting to fight, not run. And why does she want to run? But I can hear in the sound of her voice that she is dead serious. So I bring her to a stop by taking her arm.  
"Depends on why you're asking." I say.  
"President Snow wasn't convinced by me. There's an uprising in District Eight. We have to get out," she says.  
"By 'we' do you mean just you and me? No. Who else would be going?" I ask her.  
"My family. Yours, if they want to come. Haymitch, maybe," she replies. There is one name she leaves out of that list, so I ask her about it. "What about Gale?"

"I don't know. He might have other plans," she says.  
Does he now? I shake my head a little and smile ruefully at Katniss. I can't pretend I'm sad about her answer, but she must feel bad about it. Probably this is the reason why she's so upset. It also makes me realize that she won't actually run. Gale means a lot to her and I don't believe she'll leave him behind, or his family for that matter.  
"I bet he does." I tell her, "Sure, Katniss, I'll go."  
"You will?" She asks, relief clear in her face.  
"Yeah. But I don't think for a minute you will," I answer.  
Katniss pulls her arm out of my grasp, suddenly angry. "Then you don't know me. Be ready. It could be any time." She walks towards the square and I follow her, but she's walking too fast and I can't catch up. Walking with one and a half leg is always difficult and it specially is when you try to catch up to someone.

"Katniss," I say, wanting for her to wait for me, but she doesn't. "Katniss, hold up."

She stops in her tracks, kicking at a clump of dirty snow until I've reached her. "I really will go, if you want me to. I just think we better talk it through with Haymitch. Make sure we won't be making things worse for everyone."

While I'm talking I hear a noise that sounds vaguely familiar. I lift my head. "What's that?"  
Katniss looks up to strain her ears when I hear the sound again. And this time I know what it is. There is no mistaken this sound. It is the sound of a whip, the sound of an impact where it hits the flesh. The flesh of a human body.  
"Come on," I say and I walk fast towards the square while the sound repeats itself. A public whipping. I can't believe this is actually happening and it brings all sorts of devastating memories to life. Memories I've tried to forget. It only happened once... But the sound of it I'll always bear in my mind.

My father was away from home. Brannick was in a very annoying teenager mood and my mother was crankier than ever when it happened. Rye and I were playing in the kitchen, something we weren't allowed to do. It was a very hot summer day and we took of our shirts and were hitting each other with them when my mother came in with a very expensive cake in her hands. She hadn't seen us or heard us laughing, she was too far gone inside her own mind. Inside her depression. Rye took a swipe at me and with that he knocked the cake out of our mothers hands, it fell flat out on the floor. She was absolutely furious and took the leather belt that hung on a hook in the corner. She hit us both with it, only once, but the pain was blinding. We couldn't sleep on our backs for days. My father found out when he came back, because we both were still squirming from the pain. He was really mad at my mother and they had a big fight which lasted for a long time. My mother came to my bed that night, crying because of what she'd done. To hear the despair in her voice when she asked me to forgive her was even more painful than the lash on my back. And I forgave her, of course I did. She was my mother after all and she wasn't herself. She hadn't been herself for years. What choice did I have but to forgive her. There is strength in forgiveness, my father said. Hate and vengeance break you down while mercy and kindness build you up.

While these memories flash through me we reach the square next to the sweetshop. It is packed with people and we can't get a clear view on what's going on. I climb up on a crate next to the shop to get a better view and offer Katniss my hand while I look around the square and see that I wasn't wrong. In the middle of the square stands a wooden post with a man tied to it. Behind him stands an older man with grey short hair and dressed in the uniform of the head peacekeeper. But it isn't our own head peacekeeper, Cray. My eyes turn back to the man tied to the post and suddenly I recognize him. It's Gale.

Katniss is on her way up the crate and I block her way immediately. "Get down. Get out of here!" I whisper persistently.  
"What?" she says, struggling with me, trying to hoist herself on top of the crate.  
"Go home, Katniss! I'll be there in a minute, I swear!" I say.  
This has the opposite effect on Katniss because she jerks away from me and pushes her way through the crowd.

I watch her go while people try to stop her, but there is no stopping her when she has something in mind. Katniss can be very determined.

I hear people telling her to go and that she'll only make it worse, but she shoves them aside until her view is clear.

I know there is no way to reach her now so I turn my attention back to Gale. I can tell he is in a very bad shape. He only wears a shirt and it has been shredded to pieces by the whip. His back is nothing but a bloody mess and he is unconscious.  
Behind him the head peacekeeper stands with the whip in his hand. I watch Katniss as she sees his arm raise the whip.


	8. Shattered

**Chapter 8 - Shattered**

"No!" Katniss cries and I see her run forward to reach Gale and the Head Peacekeeper. She runs fast and jumps in front of Gale, getting the full force of the whip on her arm and her face. I see her fall to her knees and the feeling of fierce protectiveness I've felt in District Eleven comes over me again. I won't let him hurt her, even if it will cost me my own life.  
So I jump off the crate to get to her. The crowd is thick and they don't let me through. I have to push people aside. When they recognize me, they finally make a clear path for me. At that time I see Haymitch has appeared out of nowhere, he takes Katniss by her arms and pulls her up on her feet. He examines her face and turns to the Head Peacekeeper and starts yelling at him.  
I hurry to get through the people and cross the square. Haymitch still has Katniss' arm in his hand while I hear him say. "I don't care if she blew up the blasted Justice Building! Look at her cheek! Think that will be camera ready in a week?" He is practically snarling at the man.  
The man answers in a cold voice "That's not my problem."  
"No? Well, it's about to be, my friend. The first call I make when I get home is to the Capitol," says Haymitch. "Find out who authorized you to mess up my victor's pretty little face!"  
"He was poaching. What business is it of hers, anyway?" says the man.  
I've reached Katniss now and take her other arm to steady her, "He's her cousin. And she's my fiancée." I say. "So if you want to get to him, expect to go through both of us."

Katniss stares at the Head Peacekeeper intensely. She has a big red stroke on her cheek, shutting her eye, from where the whip landed on her. It must be painful but she shows nothing and I admire her for that. Behind the man stands his squad, familiar faces of the Peacekeepers of our district. I see one of them, I think his name is Darius, lying on the ground, unconscious. Most of the Peacekeepers look uncomfortable and they don't say anything. Then one woman steps forward and says, "I believe, for a first offense, the required number of lashes has been dispensed, sir. Unless your sentence is death, which we would carry out by firing squad."  
"Is that the standard protocol here?" asks the Head Peacekeeper.  
"Yes, sir," she says while the others nod in agreement.  
"Very well." He turns around and looks at Katniss, "Get your cousin out of here, then, girl. And if he comes to, remind him that the next time he poaches off the Capitol's land, I'll assemble that firing squad personally."

The Head Peacekeeper cleans his whip, which is slick with blood and it splatters on our clothes. Then he turns around and walks away, the squad following him.

Katniss turns around. "Gale." She says, while trying to free him from the knots. Someone holds out a knife and I cut the ropes. As soon as he's freed from it, Gale falls to the ground. As I see what is left of his back I regret every negative thought I ever had about him. No one deserves a punishment like this, especially not for something as stupid as poaching. It reminds me of Cato's bloody death. How I felt he didn't deserve that either, no matter what he's done. And Gale has done nothing wrong. He just happens to love the same girl I love, I can hardly blame him for that.

"Better get him to your mother," says Haymitch to Katniss. I look around for a way to transport him and walk up to the woman of the clothing stall.

"Can we buy your countertop?" I ask her. She nods and I give her enough money to buy two new ones.  
"Just don't tell where you got it," she says while she picks up her things and leaves as fast as she can. Somehow the crowd that was present at the whipping has left as well. Only a couple of miners, who are probably friends of Gale are left to help us. Together we carefully lay him down on the board. Then they help Haymitch and me carry him to the Victor's Village.

Katniss catches up with us after asking a girl from the Seam to get Gale's mother. As she approaches us Haymitch looks at her over his shoulder and says, "Get some snow on that."

"What happened?" I ask the two miners.

"He's been in the woods and shot a turkey," one of them says, "and with it he went to the house of the Head Peacekeeper, because we all know Cray loves his turkey. But Cray wasn't there anymore. No one knows where he is. People saw him this morning in the Hob, buying his white liquor, but now he's nowhere to be seen."

"This new Head Peacekeeper, called Romulus Thread, opened the door instead," says the other. "Right, Thom? You heard that as well, haven't you?"

"Yes," nods the first one, whose name is Thom, apparently. "So Gale stood there with the turkey and this guy arrested him immediately and brought him to the square. My sister was there and she ran to get me and Bristel."

"When we arrived Gale was sitting on his knees forced to plead guilty and Thread sentenced him to a public whipping. They bound him to the pole and he started hitting him with the whip." Bristel shudders at the memory.

"It took about thirty lashes for him to pass out. When Katniss came to intervene he was lashed for at least forty times. I lost the count at that point." Thom says.

"Lucky he only had the turkey on him," says Bristel. "If he'd had his usual haul, would've been much worse."  
"He told Thread he found it wandering around the Seam. Said it got over the fence and he'd stabbed it with a stick. Still a crime. But if they'd known he'd been in the woods with weapons, they'd have killed him for sure," says Thom.  
"What about Darius?" I ask.  
"After about twenty lashes, he stepped in, saying that was enough. Only he didn't do it smart and official, like Purnia did. He grabbed Thread's arm and Thread hit him in the head with the butt of the whip. Nothing good waiting for him," says Bristel.  
"Doesn't sound like much good for any of us," says Haymitch. 

We walk the rest of the way in silence. I look back over my shoulder to Katniss stumbling after us, with one hand she holds snow pressed on her face. Her eyes fixed on the ground. Her shoulders hunched. The snow is falling down heavier now and she's almost invisible to me. It is as if the snow starts forming a wall dividing her from me. As she seems to almost disappear into the night I feel the distance growing between us.

But now is not the time to linger over my sorry sixteen year old problems, as Haymitch called them, because we've arrived at Katniss' house and carry Gale inside.

Katniss' mother looks at the scene in front of her and Haymitch just says, "New Head,"

She nods at him and clears the table. Prim is there as well, spreading a white cloth on it and we carefully remove Gale from the countertop onto the table.

Prim and Mrs. Everdeen work fast, as skilled healers do, getting herbs and hot water which they brew together into some concoction.  
Mrs. Everdeen looks up at Katniss and sees her face for the first time now. "Did it cut your eye?" she asks.

"No, it's just swelled shut," Katniss answers.  
"Get more snow on it," her mother answers and turns her attention back to Gale, wringing out a cloth which she dipped in the brew of water and herbs.  
"Can you save him?" Katniss asks, but her mother doesn't seem to hear her.  
"Don't worry," says Haymitch. "Used to be a lot of whipping before Cray. She's the one we took them to."

I look at Katniss. She still has her hand pressed to her face, but the snow has melted away. She's staring at her mother working on Gale, ignoring her instruction about the snow. So I take another cloth from the sink and go outside to fill it with snow. When I come back, I see Katniss' face has become white at the site of Gale's mutilated back. I take her by her arm gently and put her in a chair and press the cloth against her cheek. She just sits there, rigid with tension, her eyes still fixed on Gale. 

"Bristel, Thom, thank you for bringing him here," I hear Haymitch say, "But it is better to go home now." I look at him and see he gives both of them some money.  
"Don't know what will happen with your crew," he says.

Shortly after they left, Gale's mother appears in the door. She walks in, takes a stool and sets herself beside her son. Anxiety in her eyes, fear for her child. I feel sympathy for her and wonder if my mother would act like that if it were me.

While Gale's mother keeps stroking his hair and whispers to him, Mrs. Everdeen and Prim are busy deciding what kind of painkillers would suffice. I'm guessing, by the looks of him, nothing will suffice and Katniss seems to agree with me, because when they decide on some concoction she says, "that won't be enough."

Her mother and Prim look at her and she says again, "that won't be enough, I know how it feels. That will barely knock out a headache."  
"We'll combine it with sleep syrup, Katniss, and he'll manage it. The herbs are more for the inflammation - " her mother doesn't get the chance to finish her sentence because Katniss starts screaming at her.  
"Just give him the medicine! Give it to him! Who are you, anyway, to decide how much pain he can stand!"  
At the sound of her voice I see Gale trying to move and Katniss' mother sees it too. She turns to me and Haymitch now and commands us, "take her out."

Katniss continues to scream at her mother and Haymitch and I don't have another option than to lift her out of the chair and carry her to a bedroom.

She's still screaming at her mother and trying to fight us off but we're too strong for her. Finally she gives up and just curls up on the bed and cries.

I turn to Haymitch who has a concerned look on his face and decide to tell him what she told me today. "She said Snow didn't buy it, and that there's an uprising in District Eight."

Haymitch looks at me incredulous.  
"She wants us all to run," I say softly. Haymitch raises his eyebrows and shakes his head but doesn't say anything.

I sink down in a chair, suddenly tired from this awful turn of events. Looking at Katniss is heartbreaking, to see her like this, despairing with a tear streaked face. Because the guy she loves almost died today. I sigh deeply and turn my head away from her. 

Katniss' mother comes in and takes a look at Katniss' face. She sits on the side of the bed, holding her hand while she listens to Haymitch telling her what happened.  
"So it's starting again?" she says. "Like before?"  
"By the looks of it," he answers. "Who'd have thought we'd ever be sorry to see old Cray go?"  
When the doorbell rings, Katniss shoots out of bed, her eyes wide with alarm. Her mother too looks scared. Because who could be at their door at this time of night? We all think the same thing. This must be a visit from the Peacekeepers.  
"They can't have him," Katniss says.  
"Might be you they're after," Haymitch answers.

"Or you," she retorts.  
"Not my house," Haymitch points out. "But I'll get the door."  
"No, I'll get it," says her mother. 

I get up to follow her to the door, and Haymitch and Katniss come as well. Her mother opens the door and there is a small girl standing in front of it. I recognize her as the daughter of the mayor, Madge. Katniss goes to stand next to her mother and Madge hands something to her.  
"Use these for your friend," she says. "They're my mother's. She said I could take them. Use them, please." After this she turns around and disappears.

"Crazy girl," Haymitch says.  
We all go to the kitchen where I immediately notice that Gale is in a lot of pain. But after Katniss' mother gives him the medicine that Madge brought, the pain lessens. I see it in the expression of his face.  
"What is that stuff?" I ask, turning to Katniss' mother.  
"It's from the Capitol. It's called morphling," she answers.  
"I didn't even know Madge knew Gale," I say.  
"We used to sell her strawberries," Katniss says crossly.  
"She must have quite a taste for them," says Haymitch.  
Katniss gives him a scowl and adds, "she's my friend," before she turns her attention to Gale, who seems to be unconscious again, because of the painkiller.

Prim goes around giving everyone a bowl of stew with bread. We all forgot to eat with all this distress going on and it is just now that I notice how hungry I am. Gale's mother gets up from the stool after she finishes the stew. Mrs. Everdeen says she can stay but she wants to go home because she has other kids. She gives her son a kiss on top of his head and leaves and Katniss takes her seat next to Gale.

"So, what are we going to do now," Haymitch says, "I can stay and help out if I'm needed."

"Me too," I add, but Katniss' mother shakes her head. "You guys need to sleep as well and there is nothing to do here," she says.

Haymitch and I do as she says and we walk together from their home to Haymitch' house.

"Go to sleep, kid," he says to me as a way of goodbye. I nod, even though he can't see me in the night, with the snow still falling heavily, and then stroll to my own house.

Once inside I feel the tension that was building up in me release itself and I sink down on the couch and bury my face in my hands. When we came home from the Victory Tour I told myself that I wouldn't have to cope with a broken heart. It is only a couple of days later, and here I am again. Shattered. Because she loves him. She doesn't even need to tell me that. I could see it in her eyes. All the hope I felt, all those nights we shared. Reduced to nothing.

I feel like I'm falling down again, the way I felt when we returned from the Games. I fell for her, for the second time, and I let her trample me. I feel so stupid that I let myself down like this. That I didn't protect my heart a little better. I feel the tears sliding down my cheeks as I let the pain come over me. The night continues and I finally lie down on the couch, not enough strength in me left to get to bed. I fall into a fitful sleep and Katniss appears in my dreams like she always does.

This time a Peacekeeper comes up to her and lashes at her with a whip. I scream and run forward to stop him. But I can't reach him and I can't reach her. There is a distance between us that can't be crossed. He keeps hitting her until there is nothing left of her but a bloody mess. When he stops she just lies there on the ground. Her eyes closed, her body broken. And very dead.

My eyes fly open and I stare into the darkness. _It's just a dream_, I tell myself, _she is not dead, she's still alive._

I want to go to her house and to her bed and climb in it and hold her, just to make sure that she really lives and breathes. But then I remember what happened yesterday, and how she wouldn't want me in her bed, because she loves Gale. Realizing this again is as if the nightmares pull me back under.


	9. Fire and ice

**Chapter 9 – Fire and Ice**

_Some say the world will end in fire_

_Some say in ice_

_From what I've tasted of desire_

_I hold with those who favour fire_

_But if it had to perish twice_

_I think I know enough of hate_

_To say that for destruction ice_

_Is also great_

_And would suffice_

- Robert Frost

Something inside me tells me to get of this couch and get moving. Because the last thing I need is to fall back asleep and watch Katniss die again in my dreams. Not that being awake is that much better. But I get up anyway and walk to the kitchen. I start preparing dough for bread and put all my frustration in kneading it till the cramp in my arms is so bad that I have to stop. I put the bread in the oven and stare out of my window into the white world beyond. Everything that is green and alive covered under a cold white blanket. It resembles how I feel right now, cold and struggling to keep my life from falling apart, trying to keep myself from breaking down. And for what? I feel like there is no logic, no need for my life anymore. Who needs me to stay alive? My parents and brothers will do fine without me. My friends too, they love me, I know that, and I love them. But they can live without me. And in some way, they already do. Because I'm not who I used to be anymore.

The only thing that gives my life some sense is Katniss. She saved me and I live because of her. I think she is amazing, beautiful, funny and so skilled. And I love her with every fibre of my being. Nothing will ever change that. I want her to be happy and safe and it frustrates me to no end that I cannot give her that. Can Gale though? I don't know. I've never seen them together. Whenever I saw Katniss returning from the woods on Sundays she didn't look particularly happy, but that doesn't say anything. Maybe it doesn't matter, she loves him and that is it. I sigh deeply and take the bread out of the oven. She loves him, sure, but I can't leave her be. I don't think it is a smart idea, but I have to go see how she's doing. So I roll the loaves in some paper and walk over to her house. As I open the door to the kitchen I see her in the chair by the table where I left her last night. Gale is unconscious still and Katniss is asleep, her head on the table, her fingers entwined with his.

The sight of this it is more than I can handle. I want to walk away as the need to break things like I did in District Eleven threatens to consume me like fire. Instead I stand frozen and stare at them. And I feel so sad, so utterly lost. Because Katniss, she really is the center of my universe and I don't know how to live without her. I suddenly think of the nightmare I had in the Arena, with Cato and Foxface in front of the Cornucopia. _Even if I win, I'll still lose_. Right now, I wish I'd never won, I wish she never went to that feast and let me die in peace. To see her hand entwined with his, like it used to be with mine. It is too much.

I don't know how long it takes, but I finally get my limbs to move again to put the bread on the counter. Then I walk over to Katniss to wake her, because I think the position she's in can't be comfortable and will only add to her unease. The wound on her cheek looks painful enough. I don't want her suffering increased. So I shake her shoulder and she sits up and turns her head around to look at me. There are creases in her cheek from where her head laid on the table cloth. I see her eyes take on a sad expression when she sees me.

"Go on up to bed, Katniss. I'll look after him now," I say.  
"Peeta. About what I said yesterday, about running - " she starts.  
"I know," I interrupt her. "There's nothing to explain." I already knew she wasn't going to run and leave Gale behind.

She stares at the loaves of bread on the counter and fixes her eyes on me again. Something is shining in them, making them glow silver in the pale morning light. More beautiful than ever and if she doesn't leave right now I'll probably burst into tears right in front of her, so when she says my name again I interrupt her. "Just go to bed, okay?"

She nods and gets up slowly, stumbling her way towards the stairs. I go and sit in the stool and stare at the wounded boy in front of me. He is handsome, that I can tell. He always had plenty of admirers too. The news of him kissing a girl would spread like wild-fire in school. But he's more than just a good looking guy. He is as skilled as Katniss is, providing food for his family for years. I wonder how much he hates me for what I did to them. Effectively killing their relationship with my declaration of love at the interview. I only did it because I thought it would give Katniss an edge. I never anticipated that I would live and that we are now forced into a marriage neither of us wants. I suddenly feel so sorry for the guy in front of me and so selfish too. Swallowing in my own sorrow, my sorry sixteen year old problems. Katniss and I were never meant to be, before the reaping we didn't even talk to each other. I feel like an intruder in their lives.

"I'm sorry," I whisper to him, although I also know that none of this is my fault.

When I hear the noise of footsteps upstairs I get up to boil water for tea. Prim arrives in the kitchen and smiles at me.

"Hi Peeta, I'm so glad to see you here," she says.

I smile back at her but I know the smile doesn't reach my eyes. She comes towards me and puts a hand on my arm. "I know this must be terrible for you, too," she says.

I nod but I don't know what to say. Instead I pour her a cup of tea and take one myself. Prim checks on Gale and then turns to me again. Her eyes take on a serious expression. "Katniss has a lot of nightmares." She says, "and when she does, sometimes she screams for you. I just thought you should know. You matter to her."

"Thank you," I say although I don't know if this is supposed to make me feel better. "I better go check on Haymitch," I say and I take a loaf of bread and leave the house.

I find Haymitch lying in almost the same position as I found Katniss. With his head on his table, one hand on the bottle of white liquor and the other holds a knife. The fumes of alcohol around him tell me he won't be conscious for the next couple of hours. So I leave the bread on the table and put some more wood on his fire to make sure he won't freeze to death.

Then I trudge back to my house through the snow. I realize the slow downfall has changed into a blizzard in a short amount of time. The wind is so strong that it takes some effort to open the door. Once inside I go upstairs to my workroom to paint my thoughts away.

_"And when she does, sometimes she screams for you._" Prim's voice resonates in my head. While I paint Gale, tied to the wooden pool, I ponder on what it signifies. I guess it means that I still matter a lot to her. I think back to that first night on the train when I heard her screaming my name. How she flung herself into my arms once I woke her up. Is there still something real between us? Or am I hoping against all hope, blind like my mother was when she married my father. She married someone who didn't want to marry her, just like I am supposed to do now. I think about my mother and I realize that I don't want to become like her. Take it out on my children, being cold and bitter all the time. If Katniss and I are getting married, I want to still make her happy, to the best of my abilities. And if there is some way for us to get out of it, all the better, because then she could marry Gale instead, have his children and live a happy life. Preferably somewhere far in the woods. Away from the misery that Panem holds for us.

I hear the phone ring so I walk down the stairs to the study and answer it.  
I'm surprised to hear Katniss' voice on the other side of the line. This must be the first time she has ever called me. And why?

"Hey. I just wanted to make sure you got home," she says.  
"Katniss, I live three houses away from you," I reply.  
"I know, but with the weather and all," she says.  
"Well, I'm fine. Thank you for checking." I say, wondering why she would call me for this and thinking how I should ask her about Gale but how I don't really want to. I decide to do it anyway. "How's Gale?"  
"All right. My mother and Prim are giving him snow coat now," she answers.  
"And your face?" I ask.  
"I've got some, too," she says. "Have you seen Haymitch today?"  
"I checked in on him. Dead drunk. But I built up his fire and left him some bread," I say.  
"I wanted to talk to - to both of you." She says reluctantly.  
"Probably have to wait until after the weather calms down," I answer. "Nothing much will happen before that, anyway."  
"No, nothing much," Katniss says and she hangs up the phone.

I stare at the phone in my hand for a long time, trying to work out what this conversation was about. She wanted to know if I got home safe. It doesn't make any sense to me. Sure, the blizzard is quite heavy, but really, what does she think, that I can't make my way to my own house? But then it appears to me that this phone call was a result of genuine concern and this is where I know that she really does care about me. I don't know to what extent, I don't know if it can be compared to what she feels for Gale. But it is not nothing, her and me. We still have something substantial to build some sort of relationship on, despite what she has with Gale. I can be a part of her life. The realization melts down the ice in my heart, and I feel a little bit of warmth again. Like a small fire, fighting to stay ablaze in the cold. But it burns, giving me the warmth I was longing for.

In the next two days the storm is heavy and I stay at home, painting Gale and Katniss, and everything that appears in my nightmares. I call my parents to explain why I didn't come to dinner and tell them I'll visit as soon as the storm is over. I sleep a little better now that I've decided that Katniss and I still have a bond that can't be broken by her love for another man. She calls me again, after the storm died down, to ask me to go into town with her. We meet in front of Haymitch's house. Katniss looks a little better than the last time I saw her, although her face is still swollen and red.

Haymitch isn't as inebriated as he usually is, so we drag him with us to walk to town. Katniss probably wants to discuss her plan to take off, although I still think she won't actually go. We don't talk until the village is behind us, because the chance that someone listens in is too big. The Capitol has spies and microphones everywhere. Better to talk when it is sure that there is no one around. The path to the center is cleared for us, but very narrow. We can just walk on it with the three of us, a fourth person wouldn't fit.  
After a while Haymitch asks Katniss. "So we're all heading off into the great unknown, are we?"  
"No. Not anymore." She says and I'm not surprised.  
"Worked through the flaws in that plan, did you, sweetheart?" he asks. "Any new ideas?"  
"I want to start an uprising," Katniss says.  
At this Haymitch starts laughing. I just stare at the ground and don't say anything. An uprising. I thought about that too, when we came back from the tour. But now, back in Twelve I don't see it happening. How would we even handle that, while most of the people here are scared to death. They just stood by to let Thread beat Gale until there was almost nothing left of him. That shows to me how little courage they have and how different it is for them. I think about my parents, who would never participate in any uprising. Not because they like things how they are, but they would never dare to do it and probably most of their neighbours will think alike. Haymitch obviously agrees with me, because he says. "Well, I want a drink. You let me know how that works out for you, though."

"Then what's your plan?" Katniss snaps at him.  
"My plan is to make sure everything is just perfect for your wedding," says Haymitch. "I called and rescheduled the photo shoot without giving too many details."  
"You don't even have a phone," she retorts.  
"Effie had that fixed," he says. "Do you know she asked me if I'd like to give you away? I told her the sooner the better."  
"Haymitch." Katniss says and I hear a pleading in her tone.  
"Katniss." Haymitch mimics her. "It won't work."

A few people with shovels pass us so we stop talking. I think about Haymitch's last words and I believe he is right. It won't work. And if there's no uprising that means there will be a wedding. And by the way Katniss sounded I know she really doesn't want that. Well, we already know this wedding is involuntary but it also seems inevitable.I guess we have to make our peace with it somehow, that is all we can do.

We reach the square and as if on cue, we freeze to take in the scenery. Because there has been a transformation in the square. It looks nothing like it used to look. There are peacekeepers everywhere, they are even stationed on the rooftops, armed with machine guns. The wooden pool where Gale was tied to is replaced by an official whipping post and beside it stands a gallows. What does this mean? Is Thread going to hang people?

"Thread's a quick worker," says Haymitch.  
I smell the scent of burning wood and I turn to where we see fire coming up, a few blocks away. It is in the direction of the Hob, the black market where I sometimes come to buy white liquor for Haymitch' stockpile. I see Katniss grow pale as she says, "Haymitch, you don't think everyone was still in- - " she stops mid sentence.  
"Nah, they're smarter than that. You'd be, too, if you'd been around longer," he says. "Well, I better go see how much rubbing alcohol the apothecary can spare."  
Haymitch walks away and Katniss looks at me, confused. "What's he want that for?" She says, but before I can reply she knows the answer herself. "We can't let him drink it. He'll kill himself, or at the very least go blind. I've got some white liquor put away at home."  
"Me, too. Maybe that will hold him until Ripper finds a way to be back in business," I say. "I need to check on my family."  
"I have to go see Hazelle." Katniss says, worry plain on her face. I only have to think back on how the peacekeepers in District Eleven almost attacked her to know that there is no way I'll let her walk alone through the Seam with all these peacekeepers around.  
"I'll go, too. Drop by the bakery on my way home," I say.  
"Thanks." Katniss says, relieved.

We walk together through the streets of the town where it is eerily quiet. Most of the houses have their shutters down but we can see between the cracks that there are people inside of the houses, where they should be in the mines or in school.  
We arrive at a small house in the Seam, where Gale's family lives. Two boys are sitting at the table. Their mother, Hazelle, is sitting on the edge of a bed in which a young girl lies. Her cheeks are red from a high fever and I see she has the measles.

"I couldn't leave her," Hazelle says to Katniss, who immediately kneels down by the bed and checks on the girl. "I knew Gale'd be in the best possible hands."  
"Of course," Katniss says. "He's much better. My mother says he'll be back in the mines in a couple of weeks."

"May not be open until then, anyway," says Hazelle. "Word is they're closed until further notice."  
"You closed down, too?" Katniss asks and I see them both looking at a big empty washtub in the corner of the room.  
"Not officially," says Hazelle. "But everyone's afraid to use me now."  
"Maybe it's the snow," I offer as an explanation.  
"No, Rory made a quick round this morning. Nothing to wash, apparently," she says.  
One of the boys, Rory I guess, gets up from the table and wraps his arms around Hazelle. "We'll be all right."  
Katniss stands up from the bed after stroking the girl's hair and she takes a handful of coins and places it on the table. "My mother will send something for Posy."

At that we leave, and once outside Katniss says. "You go on back. I want to walk by the Hob."  
"I'll go with you," I say, because I still don't want to leave her alone.  
"No. I've dragged you into enough trouble," she says.  
I smile at that, because it doesn't make any sense. "And avoiding a stroll by the Hob ... that's going to fix things for me?" I say and I take her hand in mine. I feel her fingers curl around mine and with that I know I made the right decision to keep her in my life. To not close myself off from her like I did last time. We walk through the streets of the Seam towards the Hob. The building is reduced to ashes and there is no one around. Ash and dust flow through the air, leaving tiny black bits on our clothes.  
"It's all that coal dust, from the old days," Katniss says. She looks around to see if there is anyone left. "I want to check on Greasy Sae."  
"Not today, Katniss." I say, because it's not a good idea. People seem to be hiding from us, they even seem scared to see us passing by. "I don't think we'd be helping anyone by dropping in on them."

Katniss nods silently and we turn back to the centre and visit the bakery. Katniss buys Prim's favourite cakes and my father and I talk for a little while.

"The weather has been crazy these last few days," my dad says.

"Yes I know, I didn't leave my house for two days." I say.

"We hardly got any customers too," he says, "your mother didn't like it."

I can imagine that, when we lose income due to the weather, my mother is going to be more cranky than usual because of it. I just nod and turn to Katniss.

"Let's go home, okay?"

We leave the bakery and walk hand in hand back to the Victor's Village. Only when we've arrived at my front door she lets go of my hand.

"Thanks for coming with me today." She says.

I smile and answer, "see you soon."

"See you soon," she says and heads to her own house. "Don't forget we're to check on Haymitch tomorrow," she says over her shoulder before she disappears inside.

In the next weeks Katniss and I try to ration Haymitch' white liquor, because Ripper is at this moment not able to produce any more since the Hob is gone. The mines are closed as well and this just means hunger for almost the entire population of our district. Katniss' mother is busy with treating people who suffer because of the lack of food. When the monthly supplies on Parcel day arrive, a gift from the Capitol because Katniss and I won the Games, the food is spoiled and useless.

I spend my days baking and giving the baked goods to Katniss, who hands them out to poor families in the Seam. Gale is getting better slowly and one day he's healthy enough to go home. Not to work though, because the mines are still closed, for almost two weeks now. Katniss gets Haymitch to hire Hazelle to clean his house, so at least their family has some income. It is nice for us as well, because Haymitch's house is clean and smells good. It makes us not want to leave the minute we enter.

When I'm checking in on Haymitch again one day, he's not as drunk as usual and I stay for a while to have some tea with him.

"You know, you should prepare yourself for the wedding," Haymitch suddenly says.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"It is going to happen, and probably soon. They shipped a crate of wedding dresses for Katniss to try on. They arrived yesterday evening." Haymitch says.

"Okay, but what am I supposed to do?" I say, while shrugging slightly.  
"Just be prepared," he says, "because there is going to be a lot happening and you and Katniss will be at the center of it."


	10. Keeping up appearances

**Part 2 – The Quell**

**Chapter 10 – Keeping up appearances**

It's my bad luck, I think, to be stuck to this guy who always has such nice ways to spoil my day.

"Haymitch, come on," I say, slightly annoyed, "I really don't feel like talking about this stupid wedding."

He suddenly smashes his hand on the table, making the cups clatter against their saucers. "Peeta, listen to me. This is not just some act you have to play for a television show. This is your life and it won't last long if you don't take this seriously. The president is watching you, both of you. I'm sorry, but winning the Games doesn't guarantee you a happily ever after."

He gives up on sobriety and takes a swig at a bottle of white liquor. I see the misery of his own life behind every word he just said. What happened to him after he won his games? He sure didn't live happily ever after. And it's not just having nightmares and bad memories, it really affects al aspects of your life after the games. I only have to think about the distance I feel when I regard my family and my friends. The loneliness that keeps me company at night. For Haymitch, that loneliness has endured for 25 years. Only after Katniss and I showed up he has some lasting company again. People to care about and who care about him. If I were to live here alone, with no neighbors, no Katniss and obviously no purpose, would I end up like him?

He looks at me over the rim of his teacup and scowls. "You don't have to stare at me like I'm some pitiful person." He growls.

"I'm sorry," I say, "I was just thinking that winning the Games costs you more than I thought it would. I always thought victors were happy, because they survived against the odds."

"Yeah, sure," Haymitch says. "You really thought that? Are you stupid or what?"

"I guess I was naïve. Now I know the truth of it." I say."Winning means being alone."

"What are you saying, you're telling me that you are lonely? Don't get me started boy, you don't know anything about loneliness." He says.

"No, you're right, I don't know nothing," I say as I get up from the table. "I'm going home, alone!"

Irritated by his behavior I slam the door when I leave the house.

As I walk back to my house through the snow I think how annoying Haymitch can be. But that this has a cause too. Something made him this bitter. And I can guess what that something is. Being a victor means for Haymitch that he had nightmares for the last 25 years and became a raging alcoholic to deal with them. Thinking about how I dreamt terribly again last night, and considering all of his years of isolation with no one to share the burden of it, I tell myself to give Haymitch more sympathy. He needs it to compete with all the bitterness in his life.

Hazelle comes walking into the direction of Haymitch' house to clean. "Hi," I great her, "How is Posy doing?"

Posy, Hazelle's daughter, was recovering from the measles a while back, but Hazelle had to work, so she brought her with her to Victor's Village. Katniss wasn't home, Prim was at schooI and Mrs. Everdeen was busy trying to heal her ever growing number of patients. So I suggested to take care of Posy while Hazelle was cleaning Haymitch's house. We baked cookies together and she brought a batch home for her brothers. When Hazelle came to pick her up again she was beaming with pride when she showed her the cookies.

"She's doing fine, thank you," Hazelle answers my question, "she's going back to school this week."

"Oh good," I say, "tell her I said hi, okay?"

"Will do," she replies and smiles at me.

Once inside I go to work in my kitchen, preparing more cheese buns for Katniss. Prim had told me that they were her favorites, so I always make sure she has enough of them. After preparing the dough I take a piece of yellow cheese, slice it and place a layer of cheese on each bun. Then I prop them in the oven. My father asked me to make some cinnamon rolls for the bakery, so I make another batch of dough, sprinkle it with cinnamon and fine sugar and put the tray beneath the one with the cheese buns. I have some dough left over and decide to mix it with fresh dill and pepper to make a spicy bread I particularly like.

Precisely at the moment I finish the spicy bread and put it in the oven, while taking the cheese buns out, there is a knock on the door, which startles me and I almost burn myself with the oven rack. Nick's voice reaches me from the other side of the door.

"Peeta!"

"It's open," I say.

Nick enters with Elgor and Sams.

"What's up, aren't you guys supposed to be in school?" I ask.

"Nah, we ditched it," Elgor says, while he pours himself a drink.

"We didn't ditch it," Sams says, "they cancelled it, because Mrs. Frudicks was sick."

"Oh yes, I know that," I say, "she came to see Mrs. Everdeen this morning."

We move to the living room where we play a stupid game on a certain device they produce in District Three. Josius send it to me, saying it was the best form of entertainment. I don't care for it much, but Sams and Elgor like it a lot. They both get a sort of remote control and on a screen two cars are racing against each other. With the controls you get to steer and brake. Sams and Elgor give shouts and hoots every time one of them makes a spectacular move. I watch them and envy the simplicity of their lives.

While they play Nick asks me how I've been doing since the Victory Tour.

"You seemed a little better, after the engagement," he says, "but now I'm not so sure."

I don't feel comfortable talking about this in my house because, like Katniss, I have the feeling these houses in the Victor's Village are being tapped.

"Let's take a walk," I say. We get up and leave the house. Nick looks at me questioningly.

"What's going on, Peeta?" he finally asks, when I stay silent.

"Well, we're supposed to be getting married," I say, "but I'm pretty sure she's in love with another guy."

"Gale, you mean?" Nick says and I give him a nod.

"But if that is true, why are you getting married?" He asks.

I look at him intently, wondering if I should tell him the truth. I decide to keep it vague and see if he catches on to it.

"Because we have to," I say.

Nick is silent for a while and then he says, "so, what you're saying is that someone is forcing you? Who, Haymitch?"

"Yes, but no, not Haymitch." I say, "listen, I can't say anything else. It might be dangerous."

"So this means you're getting married whether she loves someone else or not," Nick states.

"Yes," is all I give in reply.

"That sucks, man," he says and puts an arm around my shoulder. We take a few more steps and then he says, "You just have to make the best of it, I guess. I mean, it's not that she doesn't care for you and you love her. It's not totally hopeless."

"It is, though, she'd rather start an uprising than marry me."

"Peeta, come on! I know you tend to swallow in this negative thinking since the games, you should get over yourself, okay." Nicks voice takes on an insistent tone, "I mean this in the best possible way. You are always so good in seeing the positive side of things. In making us all laugh. Don't let yourself slip away like this. I miss you, man."

His words touch me more than I thought they would. I bring him to a stop and give him a hug. "You are so right, thank you," I say, "for bringing a little perspective into it."

"Yeah, look at it from the bright side," he says, releasing his grip on me. "At least you get to marry the woman you love and bake her cakes for the rest of your life."

I smile at him and feel relief washing through me. Even though I'm still not so sure about this wedding, Nick's words do make me feel better.

We go back inside and have a drink with Sams and Elgor and join in with the game as well. They leave around three in the afternoon and I decide to pay Haymitch another visit. We didn't leave on a good note this morning, so I want to go back and make up for that. Especially after this afternoon with Nick. Haymitch is right, what do I know about loneliness? Not as much as he knows about it, that's for sure. While I walk towards Haymitch' house I think about the idea of marrying Katniss and baking cakes for her every day. I guess I have to see the value in what I've got and be content with it. I wonder how Katniss feels about this. Would she be able to be content with it, too? Maybe, eventually, I sure hope so.

When I enter his kitchen, Haymitch looks up from a book and scowls at me. "Hmm," he says, "you again. What did I do that made you come back?"

"You saved my life," I say matter-of-factly as I take a seat at his table, "And you were right, Haymitch."

"Of course I was right," Haymitch says and grins at me. "About what, exactly?"

"About the fact that I need to prepare for the wedding," I say. "But I think I'll manage. I could do a lot worse."

"You think?" he says. "So, now you finally figured out you owe me your life, does this mean you're going to cook something for me, tonight?"

"Sure," I say, "I bought some chicken the other day, now that Katniss doesn't hunt anymore. I can make soup, or a stew or a pie."

"A pie, that sounds great," Haymitch says and he walks over to the living room, "getting a sweater," he mumbles as he starts roaming through a pile of washed clothes on the couch. Hazelle probably did his laundry today and didn't have time to fold it. While Haymitch makes a huge mess out of the clothes, the phone rings.

"Get that, will you?" Haymitch shouts and I get up and answer the phone.

"Peeta Mellark." I say.

"Peeta, hi, it's Prim," the voice on the other line sounds hushed and nervous.

"Prim, what's going on?" I ask.

"Are you there with Haymitch?" She says without answering my question.

"Yes, Haymitch is here." I say.

"Can you guys come over?" She whispers and a feeling of uneasiness is creeping up on me. Something is very wrong here.

"Sure, we can come. What is the matter?" I ask.

"Just come, okay, and act like everything is normal." She whispers and before I can ask another question the line gets disconnected. I stare at the phone in my hand uncomprehendingly. Haymitch returns to the kitchen, wearing a grey sweater, concern written on his face.

"What's going on?" he asks.

"I don't know, she didn't say," I reply, not daring to say much more inside of the house.

Haymitch understands my hesitancy and waves me to the back garden. Once we're outside I tell him what Prim said. "There is something very wrong here, Haymitch," I add, "probably something with Katniss?"

"Probably, yes." Haymitch says, "and she asked us to act like nothing's the matter?"

"Yes," I say, "that probably means there is someone there with them."

"My thoughts exactly," Haymitch says, "maybe Thread?"

"Who knows," I say, "let's go then."

We enter through the backdoor, laughing and slapping each other's shoulders. "What's for dinner?" Haymitch shouts through the kitchen.

Next to the kitchen table there are two Peacekeepers, a man and a woman, standing stiffly and with a sour look on their face. Mrs. Everdeen is at the counter, preparing dinner by the looks of it. Prim is sitting at the table, apparently doing some homework. And Katniss is nowhere to be seen. I'm suddenly reminded by what Haymitch said this morning, a crate with wedding dresses has arrived for Katniss to try on. And now she's gone. I feel like the two things are somehow connected. The fear I felt at Prim's phone call multiplies. But here, with these Peacekeepers, there is no room for fear. I have to be at my best now and I can't show these Peacekeepers anything.

Mrs. Everdeen turns around and smiles an uneasy smile at us.

"Dinner is not ready yet, Haymitch," she says.

"How about tea then?" Haymitch says while he lets himself fall down in a rocker in front of the fireplace and he throws another log on it. I go and sit in the other one.

"Tea is coming up," Katniss' mother replies."Would you also like some?" she asks the Peacekeepers.

"No thank you, Mrs. Everdeen," the woman replies curtly.

"Why are you here then? If not for the tea?" I ask.

"Probably for your cookies." Haymitch chuckles at me.

"I think Prim finished them all," I reply.

"No, I haven't," Prim says in a soft voice. I feel sorry for her, because the nerves are plain in her voice. She worries about Katniss as much as I do. And she's right to do so, because where is she? Did she took off? Picked up Gale from the mines and make a run for it? She could do it, but would she leave us all behind like this? Without saying a word? It is clear from their anxiety that her mother and sister also have no idea. And what about these Peacekeepers? Clearly they are here for her.

"We came because we have a message for miss Everdeen," the man answers my question.

"Miss Everdeen?" Haymitch retorts, raising his eyebrows.

"Who is that?" I ask Haymitch, playing along with him, trying to lighten the atmosphere a bit.

"No idea," Haymitch says.

"They mean Katniss," Prim says.

With that both Haymitch and I burst out in laughter.

"Katniss is not a miss," Haymitch yells.

"Just look at her manners," I chime in and we both laugh. I see a smile creep on Prim's face as well.

The Peacekeepers scowl at us and say nothing. The woman turns to Mrs. Everdeen and asks, "when is she coming home?"

"Ooh, who's to say," her mother replies lightly, "Katniss comes and goes. She has lots of errands to run."

"Then we will wait until she arrives," the woman says.

Katniss' mother pours us two mugs of tea and serves them with my cookies. Haymitch walks into the living room and comes back with a chess set. "Time for a game, Mellark. Let's see what you've got."

"You're on, old man," I say, "but I warn you, I will beat you, you won't stand a chance. Mark my words."

Prim comes over and watches us play. I explain to her how it works and she actually has a great strategic insight, giving me tips which wins my first match. Haymitch scowls at her, "no fair, you have a little girl to help you out," he says. At this Prim looks pretty pleased. It is good that we've decided to play a game, to keep us occupied. It will also help us not to look too concerned all the time, because concerned we all are.

Time goes by. We play, we drink another cup of tea. Mrs. Everdeen starts cooking. The Peacekeepers just stand there, silently.

After our second game of chess I'm convinced we'll never see Katniss again. Haymitch sets up the board for a third game and says to the Peacekeepers, "you'll be late for dinner, you can give us the message, we will pass it to miss Everdeen." Haymitch and I exchange a look and I see the worry in his eyes. I hope his approach will make them leave, but they don't move an inch.

"No sir," the man says, "We've been instructed to give the message to her in person."

"What can be so important that you have to stand here and wait for the girl. Can't you come back tomorrow?" Haymitch says.

They don't reply.

"But what is the message?" I ask, "I'm getting curious."

They share a look and then the woman says, "we have been instructed to inform miss Everdeen that from now on the fence around the District will be charged with electricity."


	11. Cheese buns time

**Chapter 11 – Cheese buns time**

My feet move involuntary because everything inside me screams to get up and run to the fence that surrounds District Twelve. Haymitch gives me a slight scowl, reading my reaction and I know I have to keep my act together. But Katniss. She's trapped behind the fence. That must be it. The only other option is that she took off with Gale and I refuse to believe that. Even though being trapped behind the fence is pretty bad too.

"Hmm," Haymitch growls, "I don't see why that message is so important that you have to give it to her in person." He replaces a pawn on the chessboard which makes it possible for me to take out his knight.

"Not again," he says and throws his arms up in the air, dramatically. Prim starts laughing. "It's because you don't think ahead," she says. "you shouldn't have put the knight in that spot to begin with, because it is not covered."

"Apparently I'm not good at this," Haymitch says and he smiles at Prim. It's probably the sweetest smile I ever saw him give. I guess that is what Prim does to people, even grumpy people like Haymitch.

We all keep up the act pretty well, but with every minute that passes I get more and more anxious and certain that Katniss is gone. The Peacekeepers believe this as well, they must know she is in the woods and trapped right now. They both walk to the entrance of the kitchen and I'm pretty sure they're about to arrest all of us when the front door opens. There is some stumbling going on in the hall and I see the faces of Mrs. Everdeen, Prim and even Haymitch give a little flicker of relief.  
"Hello," Katniss' voice sounds in the hallway and this really convinces me that she's here. It makes me almost giddy with happiness but I don't let it show. Instead I take another of Haymitch's pawns while Katniss' mother peeks through the door and says, "Here she is, just in time for dinner."

Katniss says to the peacekeepers, "can I help you with something?"  
"Head Peacekeeper Thread sent us with a message for you," the woman says.  
I see Katniss' mother smile nervously, "they've been waiting for hours," indicating to Katniss how serious this whole thing is.  
"Must be an important message," Katniss' voice is closer now.  
"May we ask where you've been, Miss Everdeen," the woman asks. The man next to her seems oddly uncomfortable now. It is clear they didn't expect Katniss to appear after all this time and I might as well admit neither did I.

Katniss walks into the kitchen, "Easier to ask where I haven't been," she sighs while she throws her bag on the table and looks over at us.  
"So, where haven't you been?" Haymitch asks while playing with the pawn I just confiscated.  
"Well, I haven't been talking to the Goat Man about getting Prim's goat pregnant, because someone gave me completely inaccurate information as to where he lives." Katniss says while she smiles at Prim, indicating that she's the one who provided the wrong information.  
"No, I didn't. I told you exactly," Prim answers. I'm amazed at how natural she brings this. If I didn't know, I wouldn't guess that she's acting. She's so brave and unintimidated. She reminds me of Katniss.  
"You said he lives beside the west entrance to the mine," Katniss says.  
"The east entrance," Prim says, emphasizing the east.  
"You distinctly said the west," Katniss retorts, "because then I said, 'Next to the slag heap?' And you said, 'Yeah.'  
"The slag heap next to the east entrance," says Prim while smiling back at Katniss in the same way she just smiled at her. It is the first time I notice such a similarity between them. Katniss and Prim don't look alike, but this smile has Everdeen written all over it.  
"No." Katniss persists, "When did you say that?"  
Haymitch turns in his chair and says. "last night."  
"It was definitely the east," I chime in. Haymitch and I exchange a look and we both laugh. I feel Katniss' eyes trained on me and I try to give her a repentant look, but I can't help smiling a bit, mostly because I am so happy to see her and partly because the act inquires it.  
"I'm sorry, but it's what I've been saying." I continue, "you don't listen when people talk to you."  
"Bet people told you he didn't live there today and you didn't listen again," says Haymitch.  
"Shut up, Haymitch," Katniss says and with that Haymitch and I burst out in laughter. I see Prim's smiling too, now that the tension's gone.  
"Fine." Katniss continues our little happy family bickering around act. "Somebody else can arrange to get the stupid goat knocked up."

She gets another round of laughter in reply and I hear Prim is chuckling.

Katniss looks at the peacekeepers now, probably to assess how they've taken in the scene we played out.  
"What's in the bag?" asks the woman, with an edge of annoyance in her voice.  
Katniss circles around and takes her bag upside down, unloading it on the table. White cotton cloth and a bag I recognize from the candy shop.

"See for yourself." She says.  
"Oh, good," says her mother, crossing to the table and taking the white cloth. "We're running low on bandages."  
I get up, walk to the table and snatch the candy bag from it. It is filled with peppermints, my favorite candy, so I take one while exclaiming, "ooh, peppermints."  
"They're mine." Katniss yells and tries to take the bag from me, but I'm faster than her and throw it to Haymitch. Haymitch fills his mouth with the peppermints and gives the bag to Prim, who is practically giggling now.

"None of you deserves candy!" Katniss says.  
"What, because we're right?" I ask and I wrap my arms around her. At this Katniss tenses slightly and squeaks. Instantly I know that there is something wrong with her, she's hurt, probably in her lower back. I carefully move my arms a little higher on her back and hold her so that she can lean on me. Then, remembering the Peacekeepers, I say, "okay, Prim said west. I distinctly heard west. And we're all idiots. How's that?"  
"Better," she says and she smiles at me.

I lean down and kiss her softly on her lips as if telling her that I've got her. She kisses me back and then turns to the Peacekeepers again, while wrapping an arm around my waist. "You have a message for me?" she asks.  
"From Head Peacekeeper Thread," says the woman. "He wanted you to know that the fence surrounding District Twelve will now have electricity twenty-four hours a day."  
"Didn't it already?" Katniss asks and she sounds so incredulous that I have trouble to not laugh again.  
"He thought you might be interested in passing this information on to your cousin," says the woman to her.  
"Thank you. I'll tell him. I'm sure we'll all sleep a little more soundly now that security has addressed that lapse." Katniss says while she smiles indulgently at the woman. I feel her arm tighten around my waist, which tells me she's probably in a lot of pain and is clinging to me to keep from losing her balance. Fortunately the Peacekeepers have nothing more to say now that she safely returned, so they nod and turn away.

Only after Katniss's mother locked the door, Katniss crashes against the table. I'm tightening my arms around her and say, "what is it?"

"Oh, I banged up my left foot. The heel." She answers, "and my tail-bone's had a bad day, too."

I carefully help her to get to the rocker and her mother is there to pull of her boots.  
"What happened?" she asks.  
"I slipped and fell," Katniss says. "On some ice."

None of us believe what she says, but we also know the house is probably bugged, so we accept her explanation.

Her mother investigates her heel and when Katniss cringes she says, "there might be a break."

Her other foot seems all right but the verdict on her tailbone is that it's badly bruised.  
While Katniss sinks back into the chair, her mother makes a snow pack for her and I take over cooking the stew while Haymitch sets the table.

Prim and her mother help Katniss change and her mother pushes the towel with the snow pack against her heel and takes the hassock from the living room to put her feet on. I bring her a bowl of stew with some bread and the rest of us eat at the table.

After Katniss finishes her third bowl of stew, Prim leaves the table and sits with her by the fire. Katniss' mother clears the table and presents some tea and cake for desert. "Thank you both for coming," she says to us.

"Thank you for inviting us," Haymitch says, "the food is great, so you don't hear me complain." Haymitch and I exchange a look which says this gratitude isn't just for having us over for dinner.

"I'm going to give Katniss some sleep syrup," her mother says and she gets up, pours a few spoonfuls of syrup into a cup of tea and brings it over to Katniss.

After she drinks the tea, Katniss already starts dozing off. It reminds me of how she fed me the sleep syrup mixed with the berries, the night before the feast, in the cave. And how fast the syrup pulled me down. Even though I was pretty angry then, I smile at the memory, especially when I see how she copes with the stuff.

"I will help you to bed, okay?" I say and she only has the energy to nod. She tries leaning on me while walking towards the stairs but it is no use, so I scoop her up in my arms and carry her upstairs. After all of the anxiety that today brought, it feels incredibly good to have the warmth of her body pressed against me. Too soon we're upstairs and in her bedroom. I carefully lay her down and tuck her in. At this moment I want to stay and sleep with her again, like we did in the cave, in the train. But I know I can't. So I say goodnight and want to leave, but Katniss catches my hand and holds it tightly. Her hand feels cold against mine. She looks at me, her eyes shine silver in that special expression again. An expression only saved for me. And I can't stop the sudden warmth rushing through me.

"Don't go yet. Not until I fall asleep," she says softly.  
I sit down on the bed and put both my hands around her hand, rubbing some warmth in it.

"Almost thought you'd changed your mind today. When you were late for dinner." I vocalize my fear.  
"No, I'd have told you," she whispers. She pulls my hand against her warm cheek, caressing it. The soft skin of her cheek against my hand feels impossibly good and I savor the moment.

"Stay with me." Her voice is barely audible, her eyes close and her breathing evens out, almost immediately.

"Always." I whisper back.

I know she's asleep when the pressure of her hand on mine lessens. I put her arms under the cover and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear before pressing a kiss on her temple. "Always," I repeat, even though she cannot hear me. And I mean it, as far as I'm concerned, as long as she wants me to be with her, I will. Because I love her more than life. Happiness surges through me because she's still here, she didn't leave me. And she wants me to stay.

I sit at the side of the bed for what seems like a long time. It isn't until I hear stumbling downstairs that I finally get up and go back down to the living room.

"Took you long enough," Haymitch says with a grin and I glare at him. I can't say I particularly like what he's implying and neither does Katniss' mom because she gives me a slightly disapproving look.

She asked me to stay, I want to tell them to my defense. But I don't say it. Because that moment was between Katniss and me, and these people have nothing to do with it. So I just shrug and don't reply. Mrs. Everdeen pours me another cup of tea while she and Haymitch chit chat. It surprises me how Haymitch is holding up today. He hasn't even had a drop of white liquor since this afternoon. He knows when he's needed and it means he's at his best. We both leave soon after we've finished the tea. It has been a long and exhausting day and I long for my bed. I promise Mrs. Everdeen I'll come over again tomorrow and she smiles at me and bids us both goodnight.

This night I sleep well, relieved because Katniss is back, I wake well rested in the morning. I spend the day as usual, baking bread and finishing a painting. After lunch I check on Haymitch, who had to make up for yesterday, apparently, because he is dead drunk. I leave him some bread and take a batch of cheese buns to bring to Katniss.  
Her mother tells me she's in her room and gives me a tray with tea to bring to her. I bring the tea with the cheese buns to Katniss. She pours the tea into the mugs and wants to add cream and sugar as well. "No sugar for me," I say just before she's about to add a spoonful of it to my tea.

She looks at me questioningly and asks, "You don't want sugar in your tea?"

"I don't like it that much, it's too sweet," I say.

"So you bake cakes and cookies with frosting and icing and you're telling me that sugar in your tea is too sweet?" Katniss laughs.

"I like sugar in cakes and cookies," I say, "I just don't like it in my tea. Just because I don't want it in my tea doesn't mean I don't want it at all."

"I guess so," she says and smiles at me.

We drink tea, eat cheese buns and I stay with her throughout the entire afternoon.

The next day I hear from Sams, who drops by for another round of games, that Peacekeepers are working on the fence and the power is off in some sections to secure the fence to the ground. When I tell Katniss this in the afternoon she seems relieved. After she finishes a cheese bun she lies back down in the cushions and we stay silent for a little while. I take of my shoes and plant my feet on the bed. Then I take a pad that's lying there and start sketching a flower on it, while Katniss is watching me.  
"Did I ever tell you about my father's plant book?" Katniss asks me.

I shake my head, "no, I don't think so, what is it?"  
"It is an old book, made of parchment and leather, from my mother's family, filled with descriptions of plants and what their medical use is. My father used it to collect these plants for my mother and he added edible plants to it as well." Katniss says. "I want to add my own knowledge to it as well, things I've learned in the woods and things I've learned from the trainer in the edible plants section, you remember?"  
"I do, that guy sure thought you were wonderful, didn't he?" I say.  
"Oh, I don't know," she says, smiling.  
"Oh no, wait, the guy from the snares. He was practically drooling over you." I say and I grin at her.  
Katniss tries to hit me with a cushion. "No, he did not!" she shrieks and we laugh.  
"Anyways," I say, "you were saying you want to add to it?"  
"Yes, but it is so important that the pictures are drawn correctly," Katniss says and she looks at the sketch I made. "And I'm no good at it."  
"Well, if I know how the plant looks like or if you can describe them to me, I can paint them in the book." I say.  
"That would be great," she says.  
"I'll bring my stuff tomorrow, okay?" I say. she nods and shifts in her bed, she looks a bit uncomfortable.  
"Shall I bring you downstairs for dinner," I ask, "you must be getting tired from lying around here all day."  
"That would be great," she says.  
First I put my shoes back on. As I double knot my shoelaces Katniss asks, "why do you do that?"

"Because my mom taught me to tie them with a double knot." I say, "This way they won't come loose so easily and I won't trip and fall off the stairs with you in my arms. Breaking your other foot and my only good leg in the process."

"Oh," she says, "makes sense."

I smile at her and then lift her carefully from the bed. She wraps her arms around my neck and I carry her down the stairs where I place her on the couch. We all join her to eat our dinner in front of the television. Katniss is watching some documentation about the annihilation of district 13 which is particularly awful. Only after complains from Prim and her mother she turns off the television.

In the next week I visit Katniss every day, bringing a fresh batch of cheese buns with me. We work together on her family book. I make sketches on my pad and Katniss checks them meticulously before she lets me draw them in the book. She writes down what kind of plant it is and what we can use it for. These days pass by in such a quiet serene atmosphere, it is almost weird. I love our time together in peace, I love the feel of her eyes fixed on me while I work. It makes me forget the reality of hordes of peacekeepers, threats from the president and forced marriages. It also feels like our relationship as raised to another level.

One afternoon I look up from painting a blossom and stare straight into Katniss' grey eyes, looking at me. A flush of red creeps on her cheeks but I don't pay attention to it. Instead I say, "You know, I think this is the first time we've ever done anything normal together."  
"Yeah," she says and smiles. "Nice for a change."  
"Really nice," I agree, "I really like it."  
We continue to sketch and write until dinnertime. Then I carry her downstairs, so we can eat with her family and Katniss can annoy everyone with watching television again. I don't care though, because for the first time since a long time I feel fine, just fine. Everything that bothered me, the wedding, Gale, the new Head Peacekeeper, seems to fade away in the evening mist. If this is isn't happiness, then what is?


	12. The announcement

**Chapter 12 – The announcement**

Staying quietly in Victor's Village can't last forever though. Baking cheese buns for Katniss every day means that I need supplies and I have to get them from town. Last week I bought some extra flour and cheese so I'd have enough for a while. But my supplies are running low, just as they are in the rest of the district. So one day I drag Haymitch along with me to walk into town.

Town has been awful lately, because the whipping post is mostly occupied and more terrible are the bodies lying on the streets. People just dropped dead from starvation. Peacekeepers collect them and bury them in a sort of mass grave, which makes it even more appalling. I think about my own feelings of happiness these last weeks and how out of place they are. There is no cause for happiness when the world is like this.

Haymitch is grim and cranky so we go in search for Ripper, who's back in business, and buy a couple of bottles of white liquor from her. It seems to lighten his mood, but only slightly.

"What's wrong, Haymitch?" I ask on our way back.

"Nothing." He answers.

"It's not nothing, tell me." I say, persistent. "We made a deal about not keeping secrets from each other, remember?"

He sighs deeply and says, "I got a call from Effie this morning. I postponed the wedding shoot but they are coming tomorrow, she told me."

"Oh," I just say, trying to assess what this means and why it would make Haymitch bad-tempered. "So what?" I ask.

"So nothing," he just says.

The wedding shoot, I can only imagine how Katniss would feel about it. "Do you think the President will really get through with it?" I ask.

"Seems like it." Haymitch says.

"Have they set a date yet?" I say, while taking a deep breath.

"Not as far as I know." He says and looks at me. "Did you expect him to cancel it?"

"I don't know," I say, "I guess I just hoped."

"Forget about it, it is going to take place." He says, "You shouldn't really be this upset about it anyway. I mean, what is the worst that could happen?"

"Oh, I don't know," I say sarcastically, "maybe the icing on the cake wouldn't be as pretty as it would be if I were to do it myself.  
Haymitch chuckles at this, which makes me scowl at him. Expecting any sympathy from Haymitch is apparently out of the walk together in silence for the rest of the way. I'm lost in thought. The wedding, I still don't know what to expect from it. These last weeks with Katniss were nice. But how is it going to be when it's a lifetime? And how would Gale fit in this picture? Somehow I don't see him joining us for dinner on Sunday evenings.

These are questions I can't answer and I decide I just have to deal with it when the time comes, see how it can be worked out by then. Maybe Katniss has some smart idea about it.

This afternoon, when I come over to her house with the cheese buns, Katniss is already downstairs.

"You made it downstairs yourself?" I ask.

"Yes, it seems I'll be able to walk again." She says while she takes the cheese buns from me. "But thank you for carrying me up and down these last few weeks."

"Oh that was no trouble at all," I say and mentally I add that I really wouldn't mind carrying her around for the rest of our lives.

"I thought about another plant to add to the book, will you help me?" Katniss asks.

We go to the living room where we spent a few hours sketching and writing, before I go home.

Once inside I remember that I forgot to tell her about the wedding shoot. But I'm glad I didn't mention it, because it would have ruined our time together. Katniss will find out herself soon enough, or maybe she already knows and didn't want to bring it up either. Either way, no time for cheese buns and the plant book tomorrow, which means I'll have to spend my time baking and painting again.

In the evening of the next day my father calls to see how I've been doing. "Your mother wanted you to come tomorrow and help us out in the bakery, if you feel for it?"

"Sure," I say, "do you expect it to be a busy day or something?"

"No, but Rye is out with his girlfriend and Brannick hasn't been feeling well lately, I think he has the flu or something. So if you could come?" he asks.

"Yes, I'll be there first thing in the morning." I say.

"You can stay for dinner, maybe Katniss would like to come too?" my father says.

"I don't think so dad, she had the photo shoot today and her foot isn't even healed yet." I say.

"Well, okay, but if you're going to marry her, you could at least bring her around some time?" he says.

"I know, I will, just not now." I say, "some other time, okay?"

"Okay," he answers, "see you tomorrow."

This night in my dreams, Katniss and I get married in the Capitol. The people are grotesque and they're harassing us. No one we know is around, not even Haymitch or Effie. The Capitol audience is descending on us like wolfs on their prey. Katniss tries to hold my hand but they break us apart. I scream her name and she's screaming mine but the audience has actually changed into wolfs now and they're tearing us apart.

I wake up bathing in sweat and shivering. Instead of trying to sleep again I take a long hot shower and wait for time to pass me by.

Early in the morning I go to town to help my parents in the bakery. I like working there and it's been a long time. Unfortunately my mother is not having a good day. She's in one of her cranky moods again and snaps at me for not working hard enough. "You've become lazy," she says, "I bet that's because you have enough money and a big house."

I ignore her as best as I can but her total lack of insight is wearing me down. After a whole day of bickering I realize that there is no way these people will ever understand me. Understand what I've been through and what I'm still going through. I wish I could go home and see Katniss. Or even Haymitch. At least they do know me, better than my own family does.

Rye comes home with Elaise and we have dinner with the five of us. Brannick stays in bed, because he has a light fever. Elaise is a nice girl and Rye and I find our easy banter again which even lights up my mother's mood. But after a while the conversation lands on Katniss.

"So, you finally made your way out of your fancy village again?" Rye asks.

"Yes, I thought it was time to see how busy you are with making a mess of things." I say.

"Ha, I bet you had a good reason to stay there, all these weeks." He says. "How is your girl doing?"

"She is not my girl. I don't own her." I answer curtly, because I don't like the implication of possessiveness. "And she's doing fine." I add.

Rye laughs and takes Elaise's hand. "They're getting married you know, in the Capitol, but he never brings her here."

"Why not?" Elaise asks me.

"There just wasn't a good time," I stammer, because I don't know how to explain Katniss' absence.

"If she wants to be a part of our family, she needs to come and have dinner with us, don't you think?" My mother says it like an accusation.

"I'll bring her soon, okay? Can we drop it please?" I ask.

Thankfully Rye changes the subject at this but I'm glad when I can leave the house and turn back to Victor's Village. Just before I go, my mother tells me there is a mandatory broadcast tonight. I nod but I couldn't care less. My mind is on how to ask Katniss to have dinner with my family, I can't imagine she would want that.

I get home just in time for the broadcast this evening. On the couch with a cup of tea I turn on the television and see Caesar Flickerman in front of the Training Center. He talks about our marriage and how Cinna, Katniss' stylist has created several bridal gowns for Katniss to wear. Cinna comes on stage and receives an enormous applause. Apparently he is quite popular in the Capitol, which no doubt has to do with the wonderful dresses he puts Katniss in. He and Caesar talk about his designs and then Caesar tells us all to pay our attention at the big screen behind him, where the dresses will be shown.

Gown after gown is shown on the screen. All of them white and elaborate and presumptuous. There are 24 of them, but there has been a whole show of choosing and electing them until there were only six left. These six were sent to District Twelve and now they show Katniss in the dresses. She looks absolutely beautiful in all of them, but it just reminds me on how this wedding is the Capitol's design, and not ours. If we were to get married ourselves, in District Twelve, it would be so different. I'd put on some clean clothes, Katniss would probably rent a dress if her mother doesn't have one left from her merchant days. She'd look more beautiful in that dress than in any of these, because that dress would say it's real, and these are telling us a lie. We would go to the Justice Building to sign papers and to get a house. In that house we would light a fire together and toast some bread. It means that we will promise to love and cherish each other, to take care of the other, to feed and help the other, to live our lives together. Only after this toasting you are really married. None of this weird Capitol over the top stuff will suffice. My mind wanders to the toasting and the meal the married couple shares afterwards. I wonder if Katniss would want to do this toasting with me after we have our Capitol wedding.

The pictures of Katniss in her gowns flash by and once they've all been shown, Caesar tells the audience that they have to cast their vote before noon tomorrow.  
"Let's get Katniss Everdeen to her wedding in style!" he yells while a crowd of people is hooting and applauding. As the applause dies away Caesar says, "Stay tuned for the other big event of the evening. That's right, this year will be the seventy-fifth anniversary of the Hunger Games, and that means it's time for our third Quarter Quell!"

The anthem plays, and to my dismay I see President Snow takes the stage. Right behind him walks a little boy in a white suit, who's holding a wooden box. President Snow starts his speech in a solemn tone.

"A long time ago there was a terrible war. A time known as Dark Days, where people fought against their own people. To kill and to destroy. But peace came, hard fought and cherished ever since. And to make sure that something like this would never happen again, the Hunger Games were born. These games are here to remind us of our terrible past and to safeguard our future. When the laws for the Games were laid out, they dictated that every twenty-five years the anniversary would be marked by a Quarter Quell. And this means a special version of the Games to make fresh the memory of those killed by the districts' rebellion."

The President stays quiet for a while, to let the words sink in. Then he tells us what happened in the previous Quarter Quells. "On the twenty-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that their children were dying because of their choice to initiate violence, every district was made to hold an election and vote on the tributes who would represent it."

How awful would that be, to be chosen by your fellow district members, your neighbors, your classmates. It says they'd rather have you die than anyone else. After being a victor of a games once, I think I'd rather die in those games than win them and return to a district that doesn't want me there.

The president goes on with the next Quell, the fiftieth Hunger Games, the year Haymitch won.  
"On the fiftieth anniversary, as a reminder that two rebels died for each Capitol citizen, every district was required to send twice as many tributes."

I'm shocked at his words. Twice as many tributes. 48 instead of 24. How did Haymitch do this? I think about the knife in his hand when he sleeps and wonder how many of those other 47 he killed. So many children dead, and Haymitch the lone victor.

"And now we honor our third Quarter Quell," the President continues. He waves at the little boy and he comes forward and holds out the box. The President opens it and takes an envelope out of it, marked with the number 75. He opens the envelop and reads in a clear voice, "On the seventy-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors."

At first I just stare at the screen in disbelief. But slowly it dawns on me. Haymitch, Katniss, me. Two out of the three of us will have to go back. Back into that place of nightmares. And Katniss, as the only remaining female is sure of her place in the games.

Katniss will be reaped again.

To me the message is clear: President Snow wants her dead.

Between Haymitch and me, there is a fifty percent chance. But I don't have to think about it, I don't have to think about it at all. No matter what he says or how he argues, I know what will happen.

I am going back into the arena.


	13. Acting like Careers

**Chapter 13 – Acting like Careers**

My body reacts to this thought immediately and I am on my feet and out of the door. On my way to Haymitch. I find him sitting on the couch in front of the television. Staring at the screen with a look of disbelief in his eyes. He has a bottle of liquor in his hand, but it isn't open yet. Good, I think, because I need him to be sober now.

"Okay, here is the deal," I start off, "no matter what happens, no matter who out of the both of us gets reaped. It is going to be me. I am going back into that arena."  
Haymitch starts to protest, "but boy-"  
"No, don't you but boy me." I interrupt him. "There is no arguing me out of this one, Haymitch. I am going in and you will let me!"  
"Why?" he says as he gets up and stands in front of me. "Why would I let you? Why should you be the one to die. Because I know that's what you want, to protect her."  
"Of course that's what I want!" I yell at him. "What did you expect? I can't let her die, you know that perfectly well." I'm practically panting at this point, because of the adrenaline pumping through my body.  
"Okay, okay, easy, calm down," Haymitch says as he sinks back on the couch.  
But I can't calm down yet. "You owe it to me, too, you know. Last year you chose her, now choose me. And choosing me means doing what I want." I say, "And what I want is to be there with her. We both know I'll do a better job than you."  
"But why should you be the one to die, huh?" Haymitch repeats. "What gives you that right?" He looks at me, defeated.  
"What I just said, you owe me." I say and then I fall into a chair as well, suddenly tired because of this twisted turn of events.  
Haymitch opens the bottle and swallows almost half of the liquor at once, which makes him cough violently.  
"I don't get you," he says, "I don't get why you'd want to give your life for her. What did she ever do for you to deserve that."  
"I love her, Haymitch. That's all." I say, exasperated, "there isn't anything she needs to do. It is what it is. It's that simple."  
Haymitch nods and we stay silent for a while. I go to the kitchen and make myself a cup of tea while he finishes his liquor.  
"You know," he says, and I can tell the liquor is already getting to him, "she's going to want to do the same."  
"What are you talking about?" I ask, returning to the living room with my tea.  
"You think she'll let you protect her and give your life for her? There is no way, she won't let you." Haymitch says.  
I think about it for a while and realize he's right. Katniss won't let me die. Not after our first Games. I know for a fact that she will do the same in the Games, she'll try to protect me whatever the cost.  
"She'll probably want me to go in with her, to make sure you'll live." Haymitch says.  
I look up at him. "That is not going to happen, Haymitch. You promise me now, that you'll let me go. If I get reaped you won't volunteer. If you get reaped, I'll volunteer. And you are going to let me."  
Haymitch says nothing so I get up and stand in front of him. "Promise me now!"  
"Okay," he finally says, and I hear the pain in his voice. "You're going in, I'll mentor you."  
"You know it's the best chance we have too," I say. "We have to play to where our strength lies. What will you do in the arena? I bet you can't even throw that knife you sleep with. And I don't know how to mentor."  
"Katniss won't agree." Haymitch says.  
"I don't care whether Katniss agrees or not." I say. "Here is what we'll do. We start training, starting tomorrow. You'll join us, make sure she thinks we let the reaping decide. She doesn't have to know."  
"Fine, we'll train," Haymitch says while opening his second bottle. "At least you won't have to marry her anymore."  
I decide I don't need to stay around while he drinks himself into a coma. I walk to the kitchen, leave my mug in the sink while Haymitch stumbles after me and slumps down on a chair at the kitchen table. I walk out the door without saying another word.

Once outside I stand still and decide on what to do next. I want to see Katniss, see how she's doing, how she took in the news. I'm already walking towards her house, but Haymitch's last remark stops me. _At least you won't have to marry her anymore_. Will she be relieved that we can put this whole charade behind us? I can't believe she'd prefer going back to the arena over marrying me. But somehow I don't want to find out. And I'm tired and suddenly overwhelmed by my imminent death. Because this is what I know, I won't survive these second games, I don't intend to. It's not that I want to die, but nothing has changed for me since the last Games. If it is between me and Katniss, than she has to live. Her family needs her to, they'll have to return to the Seam if she dies. They'll be sent back to a life of poverty. And these reasons fade to nothing when it comes to the real reason I want her to live. I can't picture my future without her. I don't want to live in this world without Katniss. So when it comes down to it, sacrificing myself for her is actually the selfish thing to do.

I go home and see on my phone that I missed a couple of phone calls, probably my parents and my friends but I don't want to talk to them right now. Just in case they try calling again I disconnect the phone line and go upstairs where I lie awake in my bed for hours, thinking how I need my sleep and how I need to train and make sure that Katniss trains as well. But most of all I am afraid that no matter what we'll do, she is going to die anyway. Because this Quell, I can't believe it's a coincidence. With the districts on a verge of an uprising, and President Snow threatening Katniss because of it. He blames us, or more specifically, Katniss, for the unrest in the districts. And here is our punishment, back into the arena, the place of our worst nightmares coming to life.  
I toss and turn, trying to think about what we can do to have our chances optimized, to act like careers. The idea pops into my head to call Effie and have her send tapes from our opponents. The reaping won't happen for months so we have time to prepare. My mind rambles on so finally I get up and heat some milk. I pour a little of Haymitch' white liquor in it, hoping it will help me sleep. I still have some of it stockpiled since the Hob burned down.

The milk tastes horrible with the liquor in it and it makes me woozy. I tell myself never to drink it again but eventually I do fall asleep. It is morning when I wake up with a popping headache. The hot shower wakes me up a bit and after having had a big meal for breakfast I steel myself to face my family and friends. After plugging in the phone my first phone call is to Effie. She's rather upset, but helpful, telling me the tapes will come with the next train from the Capitol. After we hung up I call my parents. Brannick answers the phone.  
"It's Peeta" is all I say. Brannick stays quiet for a while, then finally he gets out, "I don't know what to say, little brother. Except that I am sorry."  
"That's okay," I whisper. Hearing his voice made me realize the finality of my own decision yesterday. These people, my family, my friends, they're going to lose me and they are not happy with it. "I know you're going back in," Brannick says, which surprises me. Between the two of them, Rye always seemed to know me best.  
"Yes," I reply softly. "I'm sorry, I have to."  
"I understand, I really do. But I'm going to miss you, little brother." he says.  
Brannick never calls me little brother, but the fact that he calls me it now brings tears to my eyes. "I'll miss you too." I say.  
"Mom and dad are in the bakery, should I call them?" Brannick says.  
"I can come over for dinner if they want, we don't have to disturb them now." I say.  
"Sounds like a good plan," Brannick says, "I'll tell them you'll be here tonight."

We disconnect and the next person on my list to call is Nick. He should be in school by now but I try anyway. After the third ring his mother answers and tells me he is in school, but he planned to drop by afterwards. She then tells me how sorry she is and wishes me luck. It will be useless to try any of my other friends, they'll all be in school. So I decide to visit Katniss now, to see how she's doing. When I arrive in their kitchen I see her mother sitting alone at the kitchen table. When she sees me she offers me a sad smile.

"Where is Katniss?" I ask.

"I'm sorry, Peeta," she says, "she didn't handle it very well."

"What do you mean?" I say.

"She ran off after the announcement and came back in the middle of the night, very drunk. I'm guessing she visited Haymitch." Mrs. Everdeen gives a deep sigh. "I put her to bed and she's still sleeping it off."

Katniss drunk? That is something I didn't expect and I don't like it either. Because that is no way to handle this Quell. If Katniss and Haymitch will turn to the bottle, where will that leave us?

"This has to end." I say to Mrs. Everdeen. "This drinking, for the both of them. Do you have white liquor here?"

"Katniss has one or two bottle stockpiled for Haymitch. Why?" Mrs. Everdeen asks.

"Can I have them?" I ask, "I'm going to get rid of them."

"That seems like a good idea." Katniss' mother gets up and searches for the bottles in the kitchen cabinets and hands them to me.

"I'm going to find Ripper," I say, while stashing the bottles in my pockets. "I'm going to make sure she won't sell to either of them."

After throwing out the liquor from Katniss and the few bottles I had left myself, I walk to town in search of Ripper. She makes the liquor in her own home in the Seam. Walking through town is awful, because everyone is staring at me with an extremely sad expression, which only reminds me all the time what my future holds for me. I find Ripper in her own home, give her an amount of money she could live a year on and tell her to not sell to either Haymitch or Katniss anymore. "I'll report you if you do." I add for good measure. She just nods, but I know they won't see another bottle of liquor again from her.

I drop by at Nick before I go back to Victor's Village, although I am really not in the mood. Nick offers to walk with me. He knows as well as Brannick what will happen.

"This sucks, I'll tell you that." He says.

"Yes, it's not good." I say.

"So, what's your plan, same as last year?" he asks.

"Pretty much, although Katniss and I will stay together now from the beginning," I say, "at least, that is my plan."

"What does she think?" Nick asks.

"She doesn't think anything, she's sleeping because she drank herself into oblivion last night." I mutter.

"She did what?" Nick says.

"Like I said, she decided to handle this by drinking a bottle of Haymitch' white liquor." I say, "I'm on my way to his house now, to drain his bottles. Make sure they won't have another sip until after the Games. They can drink one on me then."

This comment seems to hit him hard, because Nick brings me to a stop and suddenly bursts into tears. "I'm sorry," he says through his sobs, "It's just, I didn't expect it and I don't want to lose you again."

We give each other a tight hug and stand there for a while. On the middle of the road to Victor's Village.

"You don't have to apologize," I say, "just remember me once in a while."

"Of course." He says, wiping his cheeks with his sleeve. "I'll always remember you."

"We'll see each other before," I say. "The reaping isn't for months."

Nick nods and turns back to town as I go to see Haymitch. He's still pretty much out of it, sleeping in his chair at the kitchen table. I leave him be and search the whole house for the liquor. Everyone I find I pour down the drain, until I have a cardboard box filled with empty liquor bottles.

Downstairs someone enters the house and I recognize Katniss' voice greeting Haymitch. She sounds as if she's still inebriated and it makes me really angry.

After I've drained the last bottle of liquor I take the box downstairs, walk into the kitchen and toss it on the table. Katniss and Haymitch both look terrible. They're sipping broth from a mug and stare at me uncomprehendingly.

"There, it's done," I say, as a way of explanation.  
Haymitch stares at the empty bottles in disbelief as Katniss asks. "What's done?"  
"I've poured all the liquor down the drain," I tell her.

Haymitch rises from his chair and searches through the box. "You what?"  
"I tossed the lot," I say.  
"He'll just buy more," says Katniss while scowling at me.  
"No, he won't," I say. "I tracked down Ripper this morning and told her I'd turn her in the second she sold to either of you. I paid her off, too, just for good measure, but I don't think she's eager to be back in the Peacekeepers' custody."  
At this Haymitch gets up and tries to attack me by throwing his knife in my direction. I step aside and the knife flies through the room. Haymitch sinks back in his chair and buries his face in his hands.  
When Katniss talks again, the anger is clear in her voice. "What business is it of yours what he does?"  
"It's completely my business." I turn to her. "However it falls out, two of us are going to be in the arena again with the other as mentor. We can't afford any drunkards on this team. Especially not you, Katniss."  
"What?" she mutters. "Last night's the only time I've ever even been drunk."  
"Yeah, and look at the shape you're in," I say pointedly.  
Katniss gives me another scowl and says to Haymitch. "Don't worry, I'll get you more liquor."  
"Then I'll turn you both in. Let you sober up in the stocks," I retort.  
"What's the point to this?" asks Haymitch.  
"The point is that two of us are coming home from the Capitol. One mentor and one victor," I say. "Effie's sending me recordings of all the living victors. We're going to watch their Games and learn everything we can about how they fight. We're going to put on weight and get strong. We're going to start acting like Careers. And one of us is going to be victor again whether you two like it or not!" With this I turn on my heels and leave them both behind, with all the anger I have in me I slam the front door and walk back to town.

This night I have dinner with my parents, Brannick and Rye. We don't say much. What is there to say, really? But they all hug me when I leave again, and even though I'll still be around for a couple of months, it already has a sense of finality to it, this goodbye.

The next day the tapes arrive from the Capitol. Haymitch and Katniss have turned around and agree to act like Careers. I write out a strict schedule. We start the day with exercises, running, jumping, lifting weights. The afternoon is for training our combat skills, which involves throwing knifes, climbing trees and wrestling.

Katniss' mother helps as well, putting us on a diet which helps us gain weight. We have all our meals together.

In the evening we watch the tapes Effie sent. Recaps of the Games from remaining victors. I have a notepad on which I write down all the information that seems valuable on every victor. Haymitch knows almost all of them in person and can share personal information about them, which will help to get to know our competition. Katniss asks him how it is possible that we never met any of these victors.

"I think President Snow didn't want you close to any victor, Katniss," Haymitch says. "Victors are special, they have a special status which gives them power."

Victors have power. I never realized this, but I believe Haymitch is right. Weren't we the only three people that interfered at Gale's whipping, for instance? I don't know how far this power reaches though, or how it will help me with keeping Katniss alive.

Prim comes in with a special concoction which she gives me to rub on my calf, after I've strained it this afternoon.

"Madge brought another paper from the Capitol," she says, holding it out to me. I take it and read the new predictions. Katniss and I are among the favorites, which gives me a little hope. We might be able to take on these people.

Katniss and I really improve because of our strict schedule. We gain weight and improve our skills. Haymitch has more trouble, partly because of the lack of liquor. He's strong, but he hasn't got a steady hand and his general condition is poor.

On Sundays Gale comes to help us as well, teaching us how to make snares.  
One of these Sundays we sit on the grass in the middle of the Village, with the three of us, while Haymitch takes another shot at weightlifting.  
"We need more rope," Gale says.  
"I'll get it," Katniss gets up and walks towards the house.  
I watch him as he meticulously works on the snare.  
"Thank you," I say, "for helping us."  
He just nods and carries on with his work.  
"I will do whatever it takes to keep her alive, you know that, right?" I say.  
At this his hands come to a stop and he fixes his eyes on me, searching my face for any signs that could prove my intentions.  
"I don't know, how can I know that?" he asks.  
"Whatever it takes," I assure him. "I'll make sure that I'll be there again, with her in the arena. And Haymitch on the outside. We all know his strength doesn't lie in physical combat."  
Gale chuckles, while glancing over at Haymitch, who sits in a chair in front of his house, panting after he dropped the weights in the grass.  
"You don't say," Gale says. "But how will you make sure that you'll be the one going?"  
"If my name is drawn at the reaping, Haymitch won't volunteer and if his name is drawn I will volunteer, it's that easy," I explain, "don't tell Katniss though, it'll probably freak her out."  
"Probably, yes," Gale says, looking towards the house.  
"Gale," I say, "I promise, I will fight to the death to keep her safe, okay?"  
"Okay," he says, "thank you."  
"You don't have to thank me for anything," I say and I mean it. Because where would he be with Katniss if it weren't for me? I feel both their lives are miserable now and if I can make sure she returns home after this Quell, they might have a future together.

We turn our attention back to the snares. Haymitch joins in as well and we both watch while Gale explains to us every step we must take to make a perfect snare. He works fast and I have to admire his expertise. Katniss comes back with extra rope and we work with the four of us on the snares for the rest of the afternoon. I actually am getting the hang of it and once I'm finished I show Katniss my work and say, "I'm sure this one will be able to catch a rabbit, or a deer even." She smiles and nods and I even see a small smile on Gale's face as well.

It is already getting dark when Katniss' mother calls us in for supper.  
"I'm going home," Gale says.  
"You don't want to stay for dinner?" Katniss asks.  
"No, I have to go home," Gale says. In my head this translates to 'I don't want to stay here and spend time with you guys any longer than I have to,' which I actually understand.  
"I'll walk with you," she says and they get up and walk away. I look at them leave and the only thing I notice is the distance between them and it stuns me, because if I were in his position, I'd cling to her for as long as I could. Maybe she's the one that is keeping the distance, I don't know.

Months go by, Katniss and I both turn seventeen but we don't celebrate it. What's there to celebrate, if seventeen is the oldest you'll get? So we keep on working and training until summer comes and the day of the reaping arrives. In the week before the reaping I spent a lot of time with my friends and family. It is draining the energy out of me because everybody is sad. Even Brannick isn't able to joke around anymore. I give my racing game to Sams and Elgor on the day before the reaping, to make sure it will find a good new home. A game left behind while another Game is waiting for me. How insignificant is the one compared to the other.

Katniss' mother tells me and Haymitch she will take care of our houses while we're gone.

Then the day of the reaping finally arrives. It's a hot day. The town square is filled with sweating people and machine guns. In front of the Justice Building there are two platforms for the tributes. Katniss stands on the left and Haymitch and I on the right. Effie arrives on the stage, she has a gold wig this time, but she seems nervous and when she says her usual "happy Hunger Games" line, for the first time it sounds like she doesn't mean it. Effie, who is a citizen of the Capitol, isn't happy with the Games. This in itself is revolutionary. Will she be the only one?

When she reaches into the girl's reaping ball, she searches for the one piece of paper with Katniss' name on it and has trouble getting it out. Her voice sounds dull when she reads out Katniss' name and a sigh goes through the public as well.

Then she reaches into the boys' reaping ball and reads out, "Haymitch Abernathy."

She doesn't even have time to finish talking as I step forward and say, "I volunteer as tribute."

Effie casts me a sad look. "Very well then," she says and then announces for the record, "the tributes from District Twelve are Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark."

A squad of Peacekeepers encircles us and marches us into the Justice Building where we can say our goodbyes. At least that is what we think. But instead Head Peacekeeper Thread tells us there is a new procedure and we're taken out of the back door and straight to the train station. Before we're even aware of what's happening we're whisked into the train, followed by Haymitch and Effie who practically get pushed inside. Peacekeepers slam the door and the train starts moving.

Katniss is standing next to me, staring outside of the window, still not fully aware of what just happened. I think about my family, my friends, and how I was supposed to hug them all goodbye for the last time. Now I'll never get the chance, and all my good-byes are still hanging on my lips.


	14. Haymitch's Games

**Chapter 14 – Haymitch's Games**

I remain at the window for a while, and then turn to go join the others in the lounge for a drink. Katniss stays at the window, staring outside. I can imagine she feels upset about how we've been treated. No goodbyes, no last hugs and kisses. Even though my plan is that she'll return home, she probably feels like she'll never see them again. I turn around again, standing behind her.  
"We'll write letters, Katniss," I say. "It will be better, anyway. Give them a piece of us to hold on to. Haymitch will deliver them for us if ... they need to be delivered."

Katniss just nods and walks away to her own room. For a moment I hesitate, wondering if I should follow her. But then I think she probably wants to be alone, to write those letters or at least say goodbye to her loved ones in silence. So I head to the lounge instead, where Haymitch and Effie sit stiffly across from each other.  
"Where's Katniss?" Effie asks.  
"She went to her room." I say.  
"I thought that was so rude, what that Peacekeeper did," Effie says, "I don't understand it at all and it wasn't supposed to go like this."  
"What are you going to do about it?" Haymitch says, raising his eyebrows.  
"Well, I will tell you what I'll do, "Effie says agitated, "I'm going to file in an official complaint. I'll let them know this is not how you treat people." She sticks her chin into the air to give her words extra weight.  
"I don't think that's a good idea, Effie," Haymitch says, "better to just leave it be. We don't need more trouble than we already have."  
"Maybe so, but I still think it's rude." Effie says.  
After that it's quiet. I pour myself a drink and sit in a chair, staring out of the window where the world passes by.

Thinking about my parents and friends back home, I get up to go to my room and start writing those letters. I tell them that I love them and that I am grateful for everything they gave me. Their care, their friendship, their love. How it made my life worthwhile. I tell them that I'll miss them and that they should try to live their lives to the fullest. Then I close off this chapter of my life. Seal it up along with the envelopes in which I place my letters.

Now is the time to focus on the Games. My life in District Twelve is now something from the past, something I left behind. I can't keep thinking about it when I have Katniss to protect. And even though I love my friends and family, they don't mean the same to me as Katniss does. She is my life, she has been my life since my first reaping and that hasn't changed. I consider it a weakness, how strong the hold is she has on me. I'm not able to get her out of my heart or my mind, no matter how hard I try. Now I've made my peace with it and with dying too. It's weird, but I don't feel any anxiety or fear anymore. Only when it comes to protecting Katniss. But not for my own life. I don't know if that will change once we're inside that arena, but I savour the fearlessness for now.

When it's time for dinner I go back to the dining room where Haymitch already sits at the table. Effie and Katniss enter a few minutes later and we're served an extraordinary meal. Though the food is exquisite, the mood is subdued. Haymitch and Katniss don't talk, Effie is still vexed from the events from the afternoon. I try to lighten the mood by keeping up a conversation.  
"I love your new hair, Effie," I say  
"Thank you. I had it especially done to match Katniss's pin. I was thinking we might get you a golden ankle band and maybe find Haymitch a gold bracelet or something so we could all look like a team," says Effie.  
Katniss's pin, she means the golden mockingjay pin Katniss wore in the arena.  
"I think that's a great idea," I say encouragingly. "How about it, Haymitch?"  
"Yeah, whatever," says Haymitch. He's glum and plays with his food, looking particularly miserable today. Probably because he longs for his booze. And now he has to mentor us into an arena that will be filled with people he knows, friends even. Somehow I think that going into that arena will almost be easier than mentoring it from the outside.  
"Maybe we could get you a wig, too," Katniss says to Haymitch. If looks could kill she'd be dead now, so for our own sakes we finish the meal without saying anything else.  
"Shall we watch the recap of the reaping?" says Effie, after we've finished dessert.  
We nod and get up. "I'll get the notebook," I say and go to my room where it lies on the nightstand together with the envelopes. I take the notebook and the envelopes as well and join the others in the compartment with the television. Without Katniss noticing it, I hand the envelopes to Haymitch. "My goodbyes, make sure to deliver them." I whisper. He gives me an angry scowl but accepts them and puts them in his pocket. Together we sit down on the couch to watch the reaping.

In every District the remaining victors stand in roped-off area's like we stood. The groups of people vary, but in the Districts 1, 2 and 4 the groups are rather sizeable. District 7 has, just as us, only one remaining female victor, Johanna Mason. Most of the other districts also only have two or three victors left.  
I search for the list of victors in my notebook and put stars in front of the names that are reaped. For District One, the famous brother and sister, Gloss and Cashmere. Still young and in good shape. These are dangerous competition. District Two has a volunteer, Brutus, who looks huge and well trained. The female victor is Enobaria, who has a vicious look to her. What is it with these Careers, that they seem to enjoy this. I think about Marly, the girl tribute from District Four from last year. How she seemed to like killing children. How is it possible that people would actually like this? I will never understand.  
The tributes from District Three are a little older. Beetee and Wiress are their names. They look smart and in good shape, despite their age. The District Four male tribute is especially famous. His name is Finnick Odair and he won his games when he was only fourteen years old. Now, ten years later he is still one of the youngest tributes, looking strong and handsome. The female tribute from Four is a volunteer, an eighty-year-old replacing the hysterical Annie Cresta. The tributes from the following districts don't seem to be such a threat compared to the Careers. The ones from District Six look terrible and sick, they're known to be morphling addicts. I've heard of victors becoming addicts to all sorts of drugs and alcohol, Haymitch isn't the only one.

When the female tribute from Eight is called, Effie exclaims, "Oh, not Cecilia." The woman is about thirty years old and has three children clinging to her. Three children who will become motherless in the next few weeks. I make a mental note to not kill this woman, because I will never be able to live with myself anymore after that, no matter how short my life will be. I am not going to end it like that.  
The male tribute from Eleven, Chaff, I recognize because he's a friend of Haymitch. I cast a look in Haymitch' direction, but his facial expression remains emotionless. It must be hard for him, because he knows all these victors, has been friends with them for years.

Effie says, "Well, Chaff never could stay out of a fight," and gives a deep sigh. She's from the Capitol, but she doesn't seem to be happy with these Games at all, so far. Will more people in the Capitol feel like this? I believe so.  
When they show the reaping of District Twelve, the host of the show gets emotional because we, the famous star-crossed lovers from District Twelve are just not meant to be. "The odds will never be in their favour," she exclaims. And for a moment I am sure that the Capitol really isn't all that happy with this Quarter Quell. But then she adds, "I'll bet these will be the best Games ever!"

I shake my head and start ripping out the pages of the other victors, their information useless now. Haymitch gets up and leaves without saying another word and Effie gets up too. "Well, it is an interesting mix," she says, "the Careers look well enough, but the others, I don't know."

She looks at us and shakes her head. "I don't know," she repeats, "but I think you might have a shot." She stays silent for a while and then says, "we'll see, we'll see. Let's first sleep, okay? Goodnight to both of you."

"Good night, Effie," I say, turning my attention to the notebook again. Effie leaves but Katniss is still sitting on the couch, her eyes fixed on me.  
I look up at her. "Why don't you get some sleep?" I say.  
She looks tired and sad. "What are you going to do?" she asks.  
"Just review my notes awhile. Get a clear picture of what we're up against. But I'll go over it with you in the morning." I say, and seeing the dark circles under her eyes, I add, "go to bed, Katniss."

She nods and leaves the room. As soon as she's gone I throw the notebook on the table and bury my head in my hands. That look on her face. I just want to go down to her room and hold her. But I'm not going to do that. Not now. I want to prepare for these Games. I need to prepare for these Games. And I don't even know for sure if she'd want me too. These last few months we interacted as fellow tributes, training hard, working, pushing ourselves and each other to excel. But I've kept my distance from her, not wanting to be distracted by my feelings. I have a goal now, a purpose. To protect the woman I love until I die, so she can live with the man she loves. I've decided to push my love for her away and focus on what is important now. The bigger part of me screams for her and for the feel of her in my arms again, but I fight it with all I have in me. I am not going to get up and go to her. Instead I will study these other tributes, watch their Games and learn their weaknesses. And I tell myself not to initiate any form of contact between Katniss and me. If she wants me to be there, I will, but I leave it up to her.

As I look over the chosen tributes I decide to watch those of our fiercest competition. That means the Careers. The exception is the female from Four who is old, but the other ones look strong, healthy and dangerous. I don't watch everything from every tape, just the fighting, to see where their strong points lie. Everything that is worth mentioning goes in the notebook.

The first one is Gloss, who won because the male tribute from Two killed almost everyone else before he poisoned himself, leaving Gloss with just the girl from Four left to kill. But even though there was some luck involved, Gloss is very good in hand to hand combat and shouldn't be underestimated. After Gloss, I watch the tape from Cashmere. She is vicious and remarkably fast. Her behavior reminds me of Glimmer, beautiful but deadly. Brutus, the volunteer from District Two is also extremely strong and muscular. Even though he is about forty years now, he hasn't changed much. While I watch him making his last kill, the doors of the compartment slide open and Katniss walks in, dressed in a robe, her hair messy and her eyes red from crying.

Immediately I feel regret from not going to her. By the looks of it she probably had a nightmare and I didn't even hear her scream, because her room is too far away from the television car.

I turn off the tape and get up from the couch. "Couldn't sleep?"  
"Not for long," she answers while she shivers and pulls her robe closer around her body. It is all I can do to not go over and take her in my arms. But I promised myself I would let her take the initiative.  
"Want to talk about it?" I ask instead. She shakes her head but she looks like she can burst into tears any second. My resolve is gone and I open my arms out to her. She doesn't hesitate for a second as she walks into them and secures her arms tightly around my neck. I pull her even closer to me, savouring the warmth of her body against mine. Feeling the curve of her breasts through the thin robe. Her hips pressed against mine and her smell, like pine needles is overpowering. I bury my face in her hair and forget about initiative. Why should I care about that any way. Life is short, especially for me. I should live it to the fullest, like I told my friends and family to do. So I press my lips against her neck and kiss her softly, tasting her skin, smelling her hair. I let myself drown in her and she lets me, still holding me tight. She's pressing her whole body closer still, not wanting to let me go.

We stand like this, entwined into each other, for minutes. Then the door slides open again and a Capitol attendant enters with a tray. We break away from each other while he places the tray on a table. "I brought an extra cup," he says.  
"Thanks," Katniss says.  
"And I added a touch of honey to the milk. For sweetness. And just a pinch of spice," the attendant says while looking at us. Pity written on his face as he shakes his head and leaves the room.  
"What's with him?" Katniss asks.  
"I think he feels bad for us," I say.  
"Right," she replies, while she pours us both a mug full of the warm milk.

"I mean it. I don't think the people in the Capitol are going to be all that happy about our going back in," I say. "Or the other victors. They get attached to their champions."  
"I'm guessing they'll get over it once the blood starts flowing," Katniss says sarcastically. She's probably right, but I'm hoping that this general feeling of uneasiness will create something. Some unrest, some disdain for these Games, even from Capitol citizens. Who knows what that will achieve. Maybe this whole Quell is even more effective for an uprising than our trick with the berries.

Katniss hands out a mug to me. "So, you're watching all the tapes again?"  
"Not really. Just sort of skipping around to see people's different fighting techniques," I say.

"Who's next?" she asks.  
I take the box with tapes and hold it out to her. "You pick," I say.  
Katniss looks through the box and takes one out. It is the tape from the second Quarter Quell, the fiftieth Hunger Games, the year Haymitch won.

"We never watched this one," Katniss says.

"No. I knew Haymitch didn't want to." I say, giving my head a slight shake. "The same way we didn't want to relive our own Games. And since we're all on the same team, I didn't think it mattered much."  
"Is the person who won in twenty-five in here?" Katniss asks.  
"I don't think so. Whoever it was must be dead by now, and Effie only sent me victors we might have to face." I take the tape from Katniss and look at it. "Why? You think we ought to watch it?"  
"It's the only Quell we have. We might pick up something valuable about how they work," Katniss says reluctantly. "We don't have to tell Haymitch we saw it."  
I don't like the idea of watching Haymitch's games, it just feels wrong somehow. But Katniss has a point. We need as much information about Quells as we can get.  
"Okay," I say and put the tape in the recorder.

Katniss sits next to me, the warm milk in her hands. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and she moves a little closer to me. Then the Games start and we're sucked into it.

It begins with the reading of the card by the President. He tells us that there will be twice as much tributes as in normal years. 48 instead of 24 tributes. The reaping follows and it is terrible to see so many children called to meet their death. When it's finally District Twelve's turn, the second girl that is reaped is Maysilee Donner. At this Katniss stirs next to me.  
"Oh! She was my mother's friend." She says.

We see her now, hugging two other blonde merchant girls.  
"I think that's your mother hugging her," I say softly. I recognize the other girl too, the wife of the mayor. Her daughter, Madge is in our year and she looks remarkably like her mother. Katniss notices it too. "Madge," she comments.  
"That's her mother." I tell her. "She and Maysilee were twins or something. My dad mentioned it once."  
Haymitch is called and I am surprised to see a strong and quite handsome boy climb the stage. There is a look on his face of pure contempt and I suddenly can imagine why he won these Games. He looks healthy and something in his expression tells me he's not to be underestimated. I can imagine a lot of Capitol citizens will sponsor him. He stands out in the immense crowd of children, reaped for these Games.  
Katniss suddenly bursts out, "Oh. Peeta, you don't think he killed Maysilee, do you?" She looks at me, suddenly scared.  
"With forty-eight players? I'd say the odds are against it," I say.

When we reach Haymitch's interview, again his impression tells me a lot of people will favour him. Caesar Flickerman is the host, just as he is now. He looks remarkably the same, which is a little scary.  
"So, Haymitch, what do you think of the Games having one hundred percent more competitors than usual?" asks Caesar.  
Haymitch shrugs indifferently. "I don't see that it makes much difference. They'll still be one hundred percent as stupid as usual, so I figure my odds will be roughly the same."

"He didn't have to reach far for that, did he?" says Katniss. I shake my head and smile a little. Oh Haymitch, I think, how much did these Games change you, really?

The Games begin and we see how Haymitch stays away from big fights, always moving forward, like he's searching for the end of the world. He makes a pact with Maysilee Donner after she saves him from an attack from the Careers. But of course this deal can't last forever. Maysilee and Haymitch come at the edge of the arena, where a deep cliff prevents them from going any further. Haymitch refuses to leave and Maysilee breaks the pact.

While Haymitch figures out that there is some sort of force field at the bottom of the cliff, which bounces everything, that you throw in there, back up, we hear Maysilee screaming.

And that is when Haymitch shows his true colours, because he runs for her, even though she was the one who broke off their alliance. I never realized how Haymitch and I are alike like this. Feeling compassion for others. Willing to throw our lives on the line for them. But he's even more like Katniss though. Somehow, Haymitch and Katniss share something, some secret language which makes them understand each other. I'm suddenly afraid what this means. Because I know he made a deal with her, just as he did with me, and how do I know when he speaks the truth? To which one of us? I remind myself to find a way to talk with him again to remind him of our deal. And also of the fact that Katniss is much more needed and more valuable than I am, he must see that too. For her mother and sister, she's irreplaceable. I do believe I have the better arguments when it comes to who should live.

I glance down at her, her head against my shoulder, her eyes trained on the television. It seems like she gets more beautiful every day. And she still doesn't even know herself the effect she has on people. How fierce and radiant she is. If there were to be an uprising in our District, she could be so valuable. People will follow if she leads them. I know I would. I will follow her wherever she goes.

When I turn my attention back to the screen I see that Haymitch is in his last fight with the girl from District One. He falls on the ground in front of the cliff as the girls axe disappears over the edge. Of course, the axe will come back, but the girl doesn't know that. While Haymitch lies shaking the axe comes flying back and finds its way in her head. That's it. The cannon sounds, the hovercraft appears to collect the body and Haymitch is announced as the victor.

I reach for the remote and click of the tape, thinking about this last kill, with the axe.  
Then I say, "That force field at the bottom of the cliff, it was like the one on the roof of the Training Center. The one that throws you back if you try to jump off and commit suicide. Haymitch found a way to turn it into a weapon."  
"Not just against the other tributes, but the Capitol, too," Katniss says. "You know they didn't expect that to happen. It wasn't meant to be part of the arena. They never planned on anyone using it as a weapon. It made them look stupid that he figured it out. I bet they had a good time trying to spin that one. Bet that's why I don't remember seeing it on television. It's almost as bad as us and the berries!"

Katniss bursts out in laughter. She almost rolls of the couch because of it. I stare at her and wonder if she lost her mind or something and I shake my head. Lovely, crazy girl.

"Almost, but not quite," says Haymitch, who suddenly appears behind us. A bottle of wine in his hand and a grin on his face. He drinks straight from the bottle, which makes me sigh a little. Apparently he's done with being sober. I hope it won't affect his mentorship. Although seeing this tape gave me more confidence in him. I believe he can do it, he can help me to find a way to get Katniss home alive.


	15. Chariot of fire

**Chapter 15 – Chariot of fire**

Having been through prep before, this is something I never really liked. All the fussing about, the crème's and make-up, I always feel like they're trying to change me. But today it is worse than ever. Because the atmosphere is so tense. Sensa and Morna are pretty upset, even more so than the attendant on the train. Even Josius, who always seemed to only care about the newest gadgets made in District Three, is lacking his usual verve and enthusiasm.  
Their behavior only emphasizes what I thought already, the people from the Capitol aren't happy with these Games. This is something new. The Games are the highlights of the year for every Capitol citizen. Something to look forward to, something to gossip about. It is a time to place bets, organize theme parties. This year seems to be different. Everybody knows the tributes now, have grown attached to them. And for the first time since the Games started, the audience doesn't want the tributes to die.

Sensa and Morna feel this way too. They are complaining about how they won't be able to attend my wedding, and even though this seems incredibly selfish, they do tell me that they wished for me to be happy and how terrible this all is for me.  
"The odds aren't exactly in your favor now, are they?" Morna says.  
"I just can't believe we won't be at your wedding." Sensa sighs and wipes a tear from her face. "And your babies!" She exclaims, "I always dreamed about you and Katniss having beautiful babies together! And now…" She seriously starts crying now.

Her comment about babies pulls me up short. I never really thought about that, but now I do. If Snow had forced us to marry, for sure he would have insisted on us having children as well. Children. To become a father is something I've always wanted. To love a child and raise it to be a brave and confident person. There is nothing in the world that is more beautiful than having a child. I am convinced by this, even though my own mother didn't always seem to appreciate her children much. It would be so great to have a child. A child with Katniss. I would love it so much and do everything right that my mother did wrong.  
But our child, a child from two victors. There is one thing I know for sure, and this is the cruelty of the Capitol: our child will be reaped for the Games no matter what. The feeling of despair and helplessness overwhelms me. The pain I feel for our fictional child is very real and brings tears to my eyes. I can't believe I never thought about this, but the truth of it is so horrible. And for the first time since the announcement of the Quell I am really glad because of these Games. And that Katniss and I won't be forced to bring a child into this world. This horrible world, where it will get sacrificed because of us.  
It is like a revelation, being glad because of this Quell. This Quell that will end my life. At least that is my intention. This reminds me, I have to talk to Haymitch about it. And Katniss, she probably won't agree. So I have to find a way to persuade her as well.

When Portia enters, Effie is with her, which is unusual. She waits until my prep team is excused and then she asks, "Peeta, I wanted to ask you about your token, what do you want?"

What do I want for a token? Effie wants to give me something gold, because it is our team color, which is fine, but what? I'm about to say that she can come up with something herself when I suddenly think of something. A way to persuade Katniss. Something to give her in the arena, to make sure she'll know that she's supposed to live and not me. I decide to just go ahead and tell Effie this. It's no secret that I'm going in to protect Katniss, so I might as well share my idea.

"Effie, I was thinking to have something to give to Katniss." I say. "A reminder, that she's supposed to live, and not me."

At this Portia gives a deep sigh and Effie shakes her head.

"It's no use to pretend," I say, "we all know only one of us can live and I want it to be her."

"I know," Effie says softly.

"But Katniss can be so stubborn, you know," I continue. "And she'll refuse to cooperate. She won't let me sacrifice myself for her, you know how she is."

Effie and Portia smile a bit. "she is a really stubborn and persistent girl." Portia says.

"Exactly, and I have to try to convince her. Maybe that token can help me with it." I say.

We all stay quiet for a while and then Portia asks, "what about her sister? She was her motivation to win in your first Games."

I look at her and nod. "So reminding her of Prim would make her motivated again to stay alive. Right?"

"So maybe your token can be something that reminds Katniss of her sister." Effie says.

I think about what that could be when I remember the necklace my grandmother used to wear. A gold chain with a locket on it. Inside there was a picture of my grandfather. "To remember him," she always said.

"What about a locket," I say, "a golden locket with a picture in it. A picture of Prim… and her mother, too." Katniss may have some issues with her mother, but she loves her too and it seems right to put her in the locket as well.

"That is a great idea!" Effie exclaims. "I'll get onto it right away. I will be able to get that picture somewhere."

She's about to walk away when I think of something else. Someone else who Katniss loves, for whom she should stay alive. With whom she could have a future. Gale.

"Effie, wait," I say just before she walks out the door. She turns on her heels and walks back to me, "Yes?"

"Can you also add a picture of Gale?" I ask. "For in the locket."

"Her cousin, you mean?" Effie looks surprised. "You think that would help?"

"Yes," I say. "It would."

"Sure, I'll get on to it." Effie says and she walks away.

The door shuts behind her and I look at Portia, whose eyes are fixed on me. "Gale, huh?" she asks.

"Yes, I think it will help convince her." I say. Because she loves him, I add in my mind. Even though I didn't notice much of that in the days we trained together with him, but that was also due to the circumstances. If there would be no me, and no Capitol threat looming over them, Katniss could have a future with him. And I intend to give that future to her.

Portia orders lunch, which is exquisite. There is roasted meat with a creamy orange sauce with coconut. Wild rice with nuts and raisins in it. Vegetables cooked in oil and garlic. And as a dessert there is a creamy custard with a caramel layer on top of it. All of it tastes so good that I'm temporarily distracted by it.

After lunch Portia explains that she and Cinna have created a new masterpiece for Katniss and me for the opening ceremony. "We've studied flames and added them in your costume again," she explains, while dressing me in it. "It has a power pack, and here is a button." She takes my wrist and shows me a small button worked into the fabric. She pushes it and my costume slowly comes to life. I stare at myself in the mirror because I look like glowing coal.

"This is amazing, Portia," I say.

"Thanks," she simply says and then calls in my prep team again. "Very dramatic make-up this year," she explains, "Everybody knows you, so there is no need for recognition. I want you to look fierce and arrogant. Like someone who will not be overlooked."

I nod while my prep team applies the make-up. "This time, Peeta, no smiling and waving," Portia continues, "act like the whole crowd is beneath you, okay? Katniss will do the same."

"Seems like a good strategy," I say.

"We are going to let everybody know that we don't agree," Portia replies matter-of-factly.  
"We don't," Sensa chimes in and I see Josius and Morna nod along.

It's official then. Dissent in the Capitol, where would that lead us? Maybe, these unpopular Games will even accomplish the end of the Games altogether. If no one wants them. Could there be a reason to hope?

When the make-up is finally ready, Portia places a crown on my head, similar to the one we received when we won our Games last year. "This will also light up when you push the button." She says.

My team and Portia need to change into more formal clothes themselves so I go downstairs to the stables to look for Katniss.

When I enter the stable I'm a bit startled at what I'm seeing. Because it is so different from how it was last year. Everywhere tributes are gathered in small groups and talking with each other. I recognize the man from Eleven, who laughs hard at a joke the male tribute from Ten makes. My eyes go through the room in search of Katniss. She's standing next to our chariot, talking with Finnick, who is standing so close to her that his nose almost touches hers. I frown and walk into their direction, wondering what he's up to. Just before I arrive I see him toss a sugar cube into his mouth and then he walks away.

I'm standing beside Katniss now, who wears the same clothes as I do. The make-up she wears makes her look like the queen of darkness. So fierce, so beautiful and so deadly.

"What did Finnick Odair want?" I ask her.  
She turns to me and bends forward, dropping her eyelids and for a moment it feels like she's going to kiss me. But then she talks and I almost feel her lips moving against mine. "He offered me sugar and wanted to know all my secrets," her voice takes on a seductive tone, mimicking Finnick.  
I burst out laughing at her imitation. "Ugh. Not really."  
"Really," she says. "I'll tell you more when my skin stops crawling."

She moves away from me again and I look around at the other victors, who are still busy chatting with each other.  
"Do you think we'd have ended up like this if only one of us had won?" I ask. "Just another part of the freak show?"  
"Sure. Especially you," Katniss answers.  
"Oh. And why especially me?" I say and I smile at her, wondering what she means with it.  
"Because you have a weakness for beautiful things and I don't," Katniss says with a touch of arrogance. "They would lure you into their Capitol ways and you'd be lost entirely."  
"Having an eye for beauty isn't the same thing as a weakness," I retort. "Except possibly when it comes to you." I think about how I've reached this conclusion before, how Katniss seems to be my weakness. But at the same time she is my strength. Because she makes me who I am, she makes me want to be a strong person. Someone to protect her and take care of her.

Katniss doesn't have time to react because the music begins and the other victors are getting ready for the parade.

"Shall we?" I ask Katniss and hold out a hand to help her climb into the chariot. Once she's there she pulls me up.

"Hold still," she says, as she reaches out for my head and straightens the crown. "Have you seen your suit turned on? We're going to be fabulous again."  
"Absolutely. But Portia says we're to be very above it all. No waving or anything," I tell her. "Where are they, anyway?"  
"I don't know." Katniss looks around. "Maybe we better go ahead and switch ourselves on."

We both push the button on our wrists and start to glow like coal again. Katniss looks stunning with the light of the outfit reflecting in her eyes. They shine even brighter than they normally do. So beautiful.

She's still looking around, trying to locate either Portia or Cinna but they aren't there. "Are we supposed to hold hands this year?" Katniss asks me.  
"I guess they've left it up to us," I say.

Katniss looks at me and reaches out her hand. I take it in mine, our fingers entwined again and smile at her. We're a team, we are in this together. I hold on tight to her when the horses start to trot and we're out in the open.

The audience screams and yells our names as soon as they see us with our dramatic costumes. But we don't react. We just stare in front of us. No smiling, no waving. Because we do not agree. And we won't condone this.  
While our chariot pulls us further into the streets I see our appearances on the screens that are placed on either side of the street. I am astonished by what I see. Our faces harsh and unsmiling, the make-up extraordinary and our suits glowing like fire. We look so powerful. We both have this superior look about us. The king and queen of darkness, who will not forgive this injustice laid upon us. Our wrath will cause them all to burn.

Finally we arrive at the City Circle where the President is giving his speech from his balcony. While he speaks I see the gazes of other victors hooked on us. I recognize the tributes from District Six, who are morphling addicts, staring at us, mesmerized by our shining costume. I turn my attention to the President, who gives his standard welcome. After he finishes we make another round in the City Circle and then enter the Training Center where Cinna and Portia are waiting for us.

Katniss points out Haymitch who is talking with the tributes of District Eleven. He sees us now and brings them over to meet us.  
"This is Chaff," Haymitch says, pointing at the man who has dark skin and only one hand. The other he lost in his Games. I wonder why he doesn't have a prosthesis, like I do.

"And this is Seeder," Haymitch continues, putting a hand on the shoulder of an older woman.

I shake hands with Chaff while Seeder gives Katniss a hug. Then Chaff pulls her to him and kisses her on her mouth, which startles Katniss, who pulls away her head. I stare at him in wonder, because this is weird behavior, even for a victor. I look at Haymitch, who just chuckles.

What is wrong with these tributes, I think. But there is no time to ask because we're pushed to the elevators by Capitol attendants who do not seem to know what to do with all these amiable victors.

Katniss and I walk hand in hand to the elevators. Behind us appears Johanna Mason, the female tribute from District Seven, dressed as a tree for a costume.  
District Seven is a district with lots of trees and they are used for lumber and paper. This explains the outfit, but it is ugly and unflattering.  
Johanna seems to share my opinion because she's rolling her eyes at us and says to Katniss. "Isn't my costume awful? My stylist's the biggest idiot in the Capitol. Our tributes have been trees for forty years under her. Wish I'd gotten Cinna. You look fantastic."  
Katniss shares a look with me, a little abashed. Then she turns to Johanna and says, "Yeah, he's been helping me design my own clothing line. You should see what he can do with velvet."  
"I have. On your tour." Johanna says. "That strapless number you wore in District Two? The deep blue one with the diamonds? So gorgeous I wanted to reach through the screen and tear it right off your back."

I can't say I particularly like her use of words, or the tone of her voice, but what happens next is so strange that I forget about it. We're standing in front of the elevators, waiting for them to bring us to our floor, while Johanna unzips her dress and strips in front of us. She kicks the dress away and stretches, standing there completely naked now. "That's better." She says.

The elevator arrives and we all get in. Once inside Johanna looks at me and asks, "What about you, you paint right?"

I nod, while I can't help but stare at her breasts who seem to glow because they reflect my costume.  
"I'd love to see them some day!" she says smiling.

I take a sideways glance at Katniss, who is frowning at Johanna. And then it hits me. First Finnick, then Chaff, now Johanna. They are doing this on purpose. I grin because of it. They're all teasing her because of our little scene at the stream last year. The one where she refused to see me.  
After Johanna leaves us on the seventh floor, Katniss jerks her hand away from me, which only makes me smile more.

When we arrive at the twelfth floor she snaps at me. "What?"  
"It's you, Katniss. Can't you see?" I say, still smiling.

"What's me?" she asks.  
"Why they're all acting like this. Finnick with his sugar cubes and Chaff kissing you and that whole thing with Johanna stripping down." I'm trying not to smile, for her sake, but I fail at that and I can't help the hint of laughter in my voice. "They're playing with you because you're so ... you know."  
"No, I don't know," Katniss says, clearly annoyed.  
"It's like when you wouldn't look at me naked in the arena even though I was half dead." I explain to her. "You're so ..." I search for a word that would not offend her even more, because she's practically glaring at me. "Pure."

It doesn't work.  
"I am not!" Katniss bursts out. "I've been practically ripping your clothes off every time there's been a camera for the last year!"  
"Yeah, but ... I mean, for the Capitol, you're pure," I reply, while I'm trying to find something to say that will pacify her. "For me, you're perfect. They're just teasing you."  
"No, they're laughing at me, and so are you!" Katniss says.  
"No." I'm shaking my head, trying to suppress my smile. Katniss just gets so cute when she's upset like this and I can't help but to grin a little at her reaction. Practically ripping my clothes off. She's right about that, despite her prudishness, she never had any problem with acting the whole being in love with me. Even got me doubting it every once in a while.

The other elevator opens and Haymitch and Effie enter the foyer, both looking pretty pleased. But then Haymitch's expression changes from day to night. Staring at something behind us. Effie follows his gaze and says, "Looks like they've got you a matched set this year."  
At this Katniss and I turn around and see two Avoxes standing in the door of the dining room. I recognize the girl from last year, the one Katniss recognized and I helped cover up for. Next to her stands a man, also an Avox, and redheaded like the girl. I immediately notice something familiar in his expression. Then I feel Katniss tense next to me and I look closer. Now I recognize the man too.  
Our new Avox is Darius.


	16. Making allies

**Chapter 16 – Making allies**

Haymitch grips Katniss's wrists as if to keep her from moving towards Darius, but she just stands there, frozen to the ground. I look at Darius, who has an uncomfortable expression on his face. He swallows hard, which proves he is an Avox. His tongue is cut out. For intervening with a whipping. The injustice of it all is absurd. Katniss must feel this way too, as I see her face go white. She jerks away from Haymitch and walks down to her bedroom. When she shuts the door behind her I hear the click of the lock.

Haymitch shakes his head but doesn't say anything. Effie is clueless, of course she didn't know Darius and she doesn't understand why Katniss bolts of like this. So she comments that Katniss still has a lack of manners.

"She probably just wants to change and take a shower," I tell Effie, "that is what I'm going to do." And with that I take off to my own room. Once inside I take a shower and think about Darius and how it would feel if someone cut out your tongue. How would you even eat, if swallowing is this hard?

After I've changed into more comfortable clothes I head to the dining room. Portia and Cinna have arrived and I thank them for the amazing outfits. Katniss is the last to arrive, she seems absent minded and doesn't participate in our conversation about the opening ceremonies.

I glance at her a couple of times but she is trying hard to ignore me and just stares at her plate. Then she knocks over a dish of peas and disappears under the table to clean it up. I'm guessing she's still mad at me for what happened in the elevator, and pretty distressed because of Darius.  
When we go to the living room to watch the recap of the parade, she deliberately goes to sit on the other side of the couch, between Haymitch and Cinna, proving what I thought earlier. She's still mad at me. So be it, I think, and I try to focus on the parade and forget about Katniss and the distance she created between us.

The parade this year is different, because now, instead of kids in costumes we see victors. And most of them look sick and old and ridiculous. Katniss and I stand out in this group, looking young and particularly beautiful, glowing in the sunlight. The audience goes berserk when they see us and it gives me hope. Because it seems we are pretty popular in the Capitol, and this will gain us sponsors. Also a lot of these other tributes are no competition to us. But the idea of killing them, especially the weak and the old, is awful. I don't think I can really do that, even when it comes to keeping Katniss alive. I just hope there will be others who'll do the killing for me, just like last year. Thinking about the girl from Eight, the one I had to finish off, it gives me shivers. I don't want to do something like that ever again and this whole train of thoughts makes me miserable.

Right after the show is finished Katniss leaves for bed. Effie tells us to be in time for breakfast tomorrow morning. The others get up as well and we all bid each other a good night. I'm walking towards my own room, but to get there means to pass Katniss's room. My first idea is to just walk past it, but I can't help thinking about how lost she looked when she saw Darius. And how she's probably still pretty upset about it. So I make myself stop in front of her door and knock on it once.

There is no answer, so she's either asleep or still bent on ignoring me. Probably the latter. I don't know if I'm supposed to be sad or mad about that, but I feel neither because I'm exhausted and overwhelmed by the idea of killing these other tributes. This night in bed I toss and turn while the morphling addicts visit me in my dreams. With big questioning eyes that accuse me for wanting to kill them. _I don't want to kill you_, I shout at them. But what am I supposed to do, then? Is there anything I can do? I'm powerless in these Games, a pawn again. Was it ever any different than this?

Breakfast is lined up on tables against the wall of the dining room. Darius is standing next to the table when I enter the room. I give him a sad smile. It is not really possible to do anything else. Talking to him is forbidden and would probably resolve into some kind of punishment. So instead I ask him about the food, questions that can be answered with a nod or a shake of the head. It is the least I can do, to give him some way of communication.

Effie arrives behind me which effectively breaks up our conversation. I take my plate to the dining table and she comes to sit next to me.

"How did you sleep, Peeta?" she asks brightly.

"Good enough, thank you." I answer.

"I have good news though, I managed to find the pictures and put them in a golden locket. Here it is." She takes a bag out of her purse and shows me a small golden chain with a plain golden locket on it. "When you twitch this, it opens," she explains as she slides her thumb along a catch. The locket opens and I see Prim and Mrs. Everdeen laughing on the picture on the left and Gale on the right, with a smile on his lips. "Thank you, Effie," I say, "it looks great."

Effie looks pleased as I take the locket and examine it carefully. "Can I make one more request, though?" I ask.

"Sure, what is it?" Effie says.

"I would like it if it matched Katniss's pin," I say, "The mockingjay, I mean. This locket is plain gold, maybe there could be an image of the mockingjay stamped on it?"

"Of course," Effie says, excited, "that is a great idea! And I know someone who can do it. You know, the mockingjay is a fashion item so it will be easy enough to get it on the locket!" she takes the locket from me and puts it in the bag again. "I'll have it ready as soon as possible," she promises me.

At that moment Haymitch enters the room. "Oh Haymitch," Effie exclaims, "I have something for you as well!"  
Haymitch looks unhappy when Effie presents him with a golden bangle. He reluctantly lets her put it around his wrist.

"Wonderful," Effie says, "You know what, Peeta, I'm going to take that locket away immediately. That way I'll be back before ten and we'll be sure it will be finished in time."

She gets up and leaves the room.

Haymitch fills his plate with eggs and sausages and sits across from me. "Where is Katniss," he growls while pouring liquor in his tea.

"I don't know, probably in her room." I say.

He raises his eyebrows at me, "In her room, without you?"

"Yes, without me, because as you can see, I am sitting here." I say and I glare at him. He ignores me and takes a swig from his liquor, straight from the flask. Apparently, the tea didn't have enough alcohol in it.

"Okay," he says. "Whatever. So today, your job is to make allies."

"Allies?" I ask, "like I did last year?"

"Exactly like you did last year," Haymitch replies.

"Katniss will never want to do that," I say.

"That doesn't matter. It's not about wanting to do something, it's about staying alive." Haymitch snarls, "And for that, you need allies."

"But how are we going to trust them?" I ask.

"Again, it's not about trust, it is about staying alive. I'm telling you, you'll need them." Haymitch says.

I remember wanting to talk to Haymitch about our deal again, as a reminder. "Haymitch," I say, "she won't want me to sacrifice myself for her."

"No, she won't," he says, "we already know that."

"I know she came to talk to you," I continue, "what did you say to her?"

Haymitch says nothing and stirs with a spoon in his tea.

"She wants it to be me, right?" I ask. Haymitch nods.

"Well, it's not going to be me, it's going to be her. You know she's more needed than I am." I say.

"Don't make this about anything else but yourself," Haymitch suddenly snaps, "you just don't want to live without her."

"Even if that were true," I say in a measured voice, "she's still more needed. What about her mother and sister? Prim back in that shack in the Seam. You can't tell me you're okay with that."

"They can come live with me or you," Haymitch says.

"There is no question about it," I say insistent, "Katniss lives, not me. We made a deal. Now you make sure to keep it." Haymitch scowls at me but he nods again. Then he turns around in his chair, "What is keeping her so long?"

We wait for a couple of minutes but then Haymitch is fed up with it. He walks to her room, pounding on the door hard. "Katniss, get out now and come join us in the dining room."He shouts. "NOW!"

He sloshes back to the table and Katniss arrives about five minutes later.

"You're late," Haymitch snarls while Katniss takes a place at the table.  
"Sorry. I slept in after the mutilated-tongue nightmares kept me up half the night." I hear her voice catch at the end of the sentence and suddenly feel remorse for not knocking harder on her door last night. I could have been there for her, although she was the one who wouldn't let me.  
Haymitch is still scowling but then gets back to business. "All right, never mind. Today, in training, you've got two jobs. One, stay in love."  
"Obviously," Katniss says.  
"And two, make some friends," says Haymitch.

I'm not surprised at Katniss's immediate answer. "No. I don't trust any of them, I can't stand most of them, and I'd rather operate with just the two of us." She says

"That's what I said at first, but - " I start, but Haymitch cuts me off.  
"But it won't be enough," he insists. "You're going to need more allies this time around."  
"Why?" Katniss asks.  
"Because you're at a distinct disadvantage. Your competitors have known each other for years. So who do you think they're going to target first?" he says.  
"Us. And nothing we're going to do is going to override any old friendship," she replies. "So why bother?"  
"Because you can fight. You're popular with the crowd. That could still make you desirable allies. But only if you let the others know you're willing to team up with them," says Haymitch.  
"You mean you want us in the Career pack this year?" Katniss asks, and I hear the disdain in her voice.  
"That's been our strategy, hasn't it? To train like Careers? And who makes up the Career pack is generally agreed upon before the Games begin. Peeta barely got in with them last year." Haymitch says  
"So we're to try to get in with Finnick and Brutus," Katniss says, still not happy about it. "Is that what you're saying?"  
"Not necessarily. Everyone's a victor. Make your own pack if you'd rather. Choose who you like. I'd suggest Chaff and Seeder. Although Finnick's not to be ignored," says Haymitch. "Find someone to team up with who might be of some use to you. Remember, you're not in a ring full of trembling children anymore. These people are all experienced killers, no matter what shape they appear to be in."

Katniss stays silent for a while. Haymitch is right, I think, we should not underestimate these tributes and being in a pact will be in our advantage. Otherwise we'll have 22 tributes hunting us.  
"Okay," Katniss says finally, "I'll try to find allies."

Just before ten Effie comes back and nods at me, indicating she's taken care of the locket. She wants to bring us down to the Training Center but Haymitch says it'll look like we're in need of a babysitter.  
"They are the youngest tributes." Haymitch says, "That makes it even more important for them to look self-reliant."

We ride the elevator in silence, but I do take Katniss' hand in mine. She doesn't object, probably because she knows we have to act in love. But I'm actually done acting now, I just want to hold her hand.

When we arrive in the training center it is as good as empty. Only the tributes from District Two are there and when the clock strikes ten, still only a dozen tributes are present.  
Atala, the woman in charge of training, tells us about the several training areas. When she's done Katniss says to me, "I think we should split up, so we can interact with more people, cover more territory."

"Okay," I say and decide to join up with Chaff first, because Haymitch suggested him. He's with Brutus, throwing spears. Which is good, because I could use some more training in throwing spears. I'm not really good at it, I'm better with knives.

After a while we leave the spear station and go to the center where we can throw knives. Chaff is actually good company. He's joking a lot, mostly at his own expense and even Brutus laughs at them. But Brutus is more occupied with training than with interacting with us, though. I can see he takes this whole thing rather seriously. He is in it to win it and I make a mental note that he is our fiercest adversary and not one I would make an alliance with.

Right now he's looking at Katniss interacting with the tributes from District Three. "What is she doing with them?" He asks me.

"Getting to know them," I answer.

"Waste of time." He says shortly

Johanna Mason shows up at the knife throwing area while I'm looking at Katniss and the District Three tributes. Johanna catches my glance.

"Don't worry about her, she's perfectly safe with Nuts and Volts." She says.

"What?" I ask.

"Nuts and Volts, the tributes from Three. That's how they're named," she says while she's stripping off her clothes. "Care to join me for some wrestling?"

"No, thank you," I say, "I'm still working on the knives."

"I bet you are," she says provocatively. "I'm over there if you change your mind." She says as she walks away. I don't think it would be in her best interest if I changed my mind. I'd probably have her on the ground in no time, given my experience in wrestling. I wonder if she knows that or if she just wants me to pin her to the floor.

I see Chaff laughing at our interaction and I shake my head. "What's up with her?" I ask him.

"She probably just likes you," he says, "or she does it to annoy Katniss."

"I don't see how Katniss would be annoyed by this." I say.

"You don't?" Chaff says and raises his eyebrows. It looks like he wants to add something but he just shakes his head and turns away. Seeder, standing behind him smiles at me.

"Don't mind him," she says, "half of the time he's talking nonsense."

"What about the other half?" I ask.

"Who's to say," she says mysteriously and I decide that I like this woman.

Lunch is announced and we walk to the dining area. "Maybe we can eat together?" I suggest to Chaff. The others like the idea and we start dragging the tables together to form one table where we can sit at together.  
Once we're done I look around for Katniss and see her at the buffet. I take a tray and walk towards her.  
"How's it going?"  
"Good. Fine. I like the District Three victors," she says. "Wiress and Beetee."  
"Really?" I ask. "They're something of a joke to the others."  
"Why does that not surprise me?" Katniss retorts.  
"Johanna's nicknamed them Nuts and Volts," I tell her. "I think she's Nuts and he's Volts."  
"And so I'm stupid for thinking they might be useful. Because of something Johanna Mason said while she was oiling up her breasts for wrestling," Katniss sounds pretty angry and I think about what Chaff said about wanting to annoy her. Apparently Johanna succeeded at that.  
"Actually I think the nickname's been around for years. And I didn't mean that as an insult. I'm just sharing information," I say.  
"Well, Wiress and Beetee are smart. They invent things. They could tell by sight that a force field had been put up between us and the Gamemakers. And if we have to have allies, I want them." At this Katniss throws the ladle in the stew, splattering us both with gravy.  
"What are you so angry about?" I ask, while wiping the gravy from my shirt, wondering what on earth could be bothering her. It must be something more than just these nicknames for people she barely knows.

"Because I teased you on the elevator?" I say, "I'm sorry. I thought you would just laugh about it."  
"Forget it," she says, shaking her head. "It's a lot of things."  
"Darius," I state.  
"Darius. The Games. Haymitch making us team up with the others," Katniss replies. It doesn't surprise me that she hates the whole idea. Katniss is just not good at making friends, especially in these circumstances and I can't blame her for it.  
"It can just be you and me, you know," I say.  
"I know. But maybe Haymitch is right," Katniss answers. "Don't tell him I said so, but he usually is, where the Games are concerned."  
"Well, you can have final say about our allies. But right now, I'm leaning toward Chaff and Seeder," I tell her.  
"I'm okay with Seeder, not Chaff. Not yet, anyway." She says.  
"Come on and eat with him. I promise, I won't let him kiss you again," I say as I wrap my arm around her shoulder and lead her to the table.

Katniss tries her best at lunch to interact with Chaff and Seeder. She's doing a good job actually. and is more sociable than she gives herself credit for. After lunch I decide to meet with Wiress and Beetee, after all the fuss Katniss made about them. Wiress is a bit weird but I can understand why Katniss likes the two. They are really smart and I wouldn't mind teaming up with them.  
I'm talking with one of the morphling addicts from District Six when she stops mid sentence and points to something behind me. I turn around and see Katniss in the archery station shooting at fake birds which are thrown in the air by the trainer. I am absolutely in awe by her meticulous aim and her fast shooting. I've never seen her shoot like this and it is quite impressive. Of course I saw her shoot at the mutts and I know she shot Cato but this is not the same. This time I am fully aware of her incredible talent. I see all the other tributes stop what they're doing and turn their attention at Katniss as well. When she's done Wiress actually applauds.

At the end of the afternoon we go back to our floor and hang out on the couch.  
"That shooting was pretty incredible," I say.  
"It was fun to do, too," Katniss answers while she pours us something to drink. Then Haymitch and Effie enter the room and we're called for dinner.  
Haymitch comes towards us and says to Katniss, "So at least half the victors have instructed their mentors to request you as an ally. I know it can't be your sunny personality."  
"They saw her shoot," I say, smiling. "Actually, I saw her shoot, for real, for the first time. I'm about to put in a formal request myself."  
"You're that good?" Haymitch asks, "So good that Brutus wants you?"  
Katniss just shrugs her shoulders at that and says, "But I don't want Brutus. I want Mags and District Three."  
"Of course you do." Haymitch says sarcastically, "I'll tell everybody you're still making up your mind."

After dinner, Effie hands me a small bag and tells me in a hushed whisper that the locket is in it and it looks beautiful. "You'll match perfectly with Katniss," she says. I bring it to my room and take it out there. The mockingjay is stamped in the middle of it and it matches Katniss' pin exactly. I bury it in one of the closets and go to sleep.

The next morning Katniss and I continue with getting to know the other tributes, but in the afternoon I'm done with being apart from her all the time. I want to spend the time we have left together so after lunch I take her to the camouflage area where we meet the morphlings, Ana and Marson. They are both very talented at camouflage and with the three of us we paint Katniss's face and arms into a field of flowers.  
"Yellow." Ana says, "I want them yellow."  
"Like dandelions?" I ask.  
"Yes, dandelions please," Katniss says and she smiles at request reminds me of that day in the spring, six years ago. It was the day after I tossed her the bread. It was right after school when I saw her across the schoolyard, staring at me. When she noticed me she looked down and plucked the dandelion in front of her.  
"You want to be painted into a dandelion?" I ask her. She nods and Ana and Marson start with painting her arms and I'm assigned to paint her face. Painting Katniss means getting to look at her all the time, which I enjoy. And she seems to enjoy this time as well. Ana and Marson are easy company, although they won't be useful as allies.  
Katniss suddenly blinks and my brush sweeps out over her cheek because of it.  
"Hey!" I exclaim, "You have to lie still."  
"Sorry," she says and by a way of apology she lifts her head and kisses me softly on my lips. I'm caught off guard by her sudden gesture of intimacy. We're supposed to act in love, so I shouldn't be surprised by it, but somehow the kiss felt real.  
Katniss suddenly starts laughing. Ana looks up and laughs too, "Your lips," she explains, pointing at me, "they're all yellow!"  
"Oh that is just great," I say, while wiping my lips with my sleeve. "Thank you, Katniss."  
"You're welcome," she says, still smiling.  
"I guess this was payback for the elevator, the other day?" I ask.  
"I guess so," she says.  
"I'll finish her face," Marson says and he paints a bright dandelion on Katniss's cheek. I sit back and look at them together, thinking how nice this is, even with the Games in the offing.

On the third day I spend some time in the morning with Finnick, who's teaching me a technique for weaving nets. Despite his reputation of going from one lover to another in the Capitol, I like him. He's nice and has a good sense of humor too.

During lunch we all joke about our private sessions with the Gamemakers, in which we have to show them our skills. Of course they know them already, which makes the whole thing kind of ridiculous. After lunch the tributes are called in one by one, starting with the male tribute from District One. This means Katniss and I will go up last.

When everybody is gone and Katniss and I sit alone in the dining room I reach for her hands across the table. She entwines her fingers with mine.  
"Decided what to do for the Gamemakers yet?" I ask.  
Katniss gives her head a small shake."I can't really use them for target practice this year, with the force field up and all. Maybe make some fishhooks. What about you?"  
"Not a clue. I keep wishing I could bake a cake or something," I say. I miss the opportunity to bake here, and I do think it would surprise them.  
"Do some more camouflage," Katniss says.  
"If the morphlings have left me anything to work with. They've been glued to that station since training started." I say, thinking about the tributes from Six, who haven't done anything else but paint these last three days. I did like the time I spend with them though, and enjoyed how skillful they are. Maybe they're not useful as allies but they are worthwhile as people.  
After a few moments of silence Katniss says, "How are we going to kill these people, Peeta?"  
"I don't know." I say. I really don't and the idea of having to kill these people is really appalling. I sigh and lean my forehead on our hands. Now that we know all of them, it seems even more impossible to me than it already was.  
"I don't want them as allies. Why did Haymitch want us to get to know them?" Katniss voices my thoughts. "It'll make it so much harder than last time. Except for Rue maybe. But I guess I never really could've killed her, anyway. She was just too much like Prim."  
Rue. The small girl from District Eleven. The one who was speared by Marvel. I remember on the night of our coronation how I watched Katniss sing to her and cover her in flowers. This girl, her death, it was dreadful. Katniss mentioning her gives me an idea though, something to show these Gamemakers.  
I look up at Katniss and say, "Her death was the most despicable, wasn't it?"  
"None of them were very pretty," Katniss answers. Which is true, but somehow Rue's death has more impact, because she was so young and innocent. A piece in their games, expendable to Gamemakers. And I refuse to disregard this. I want them to know that she is not expendable at all and that they are accountable for her death.

When my name is called I know what to do. I press a kiss on the back of Katniss' hand and walk to the gymnasium. As I thought, the morphlings made use of the camouflage section but they left me enough to work with. I take a cart and fill it with several bowls of paint and then bring it to the middle of the room. There I start painting on the floor. I have to work fast, because officially I only have fifteen minutes and that is not a lot for what I intent to do. I paint Rue, like I remember her, lying in that meadow, covered with little purple and white flowers. Looking young and beautiful and peaceful too, like she's just sleeping.

It takes me about twenty minutes, but they let me work. When I'm done I stand up straight and look at the Gamemakers defiantly. They all look pretty shocked. I see Plutarch Heavensbee look at me and from me to the painting, his brow furrowed, creased in thought. What will he do now? There isn't much he can do, but I hope he realizes that these Games are going to be different. I wonder if he'll pay me back once we're in the arena. He'd better be careful though, or he might end up like his predecessor, Seneca Crane.


	17. Freeze this moment

**Chapter 17 – Freeze this moment**

The effect on the Gamemakers is very satisfying. They are all staring at the painting in horror. The message is clear. This is what you do, you kill little children. Finally Plutarch Heavensbee dismisses me with a shake of his head.  
While I back out of the room I hear him ordering attendants to clean the floor. I smile at that because I know it'll be useless. This paint would be very hard to clean. Katniss will have to wait a while longer before they let her in.  
The elevator brings me back to the twelfth floor where I go to my room and take a bath. The paint is everywhere and I have to scrub hard to get rid of it, and even after applying several rounds of soap I can still see the colours on my hands. Finally I give up and get dressed for dinner. In the meantime I ponder on what effect my actions may have. The Gamemakers will be mad, no doubt. Will they take it out on me in the arena? Or on Katniss? That thought pulls me up short. I haven't considered the possible danger Katniss could be in. There is no way to reverse it now, though, so I guess we just have to take our changes. It's like Haymitch and I said to Katniss last year, they'll take it out on us anyway.

When I'm finished I leave for the dining room. The others are there as well so we sit together and wait for the soup to be served. Then Haymitch asks, "All right, so how did your private sessions go?"  
I look at Katniss over the table, who seems reluctant to tell them about her session. Why would she though? She couldn't possibly have shot another arrow at the Gamemakers, now that there's a force field up. I'm curious about what she did, but she says, "You first, It must have been really special. I had to wait for forty minutes to go in."

I hesitate, because I'm suddenly not so sure about what Haymitch and Katniss would think about my action. "Well, I - I did the camouflage thing, like you suggested, Katniss." I'm getting nervous as I see everybody looks at me expectantly. "Not exactly camouflage." I continue, "I mean, I used the dyes."  
"To do what?" asks Portia.  
Katniss looks at me intently. "You painted something, didn't you? A picture."

"Did you see it?" I ask her.  
"No. But they'd made a real point of covering it up," she answers.  
"Well, that would be standard. They can't let one tribute know what another did," says Effie. "What did you paint, Peeta? Was it a picture of Katniss?"  
"Why would he paint a picture of me, Effie?" Katniss says curtly.  
"To show he's going to do everything he can to defend you." Effie says, slightly surprised by Katniss's question. For her it is obvious. "That's what everyone in the Capitol's expecting, anyway. Didn't he volunteer to go in with you?"  
"Actually, I painted a picture of Rue," I finally let the words out. "How she looked after Katniss had covered her in flowers."

Everybody stares at me in pure astonishment. Effie looks shocked, Haymitch scowls, but in Katniss's face I see awe.  
"And what exactly were you trying to accomplish?" Haymitch asks cautiously.  
"I'm not sure. I just wanted to hold them accountable, if only for a moment," I tell him. "For killing that little girl."  
This shocks everybody even more. "This is dreadful." Effie says, her voice catches. "That sort of thinking ... it's forbidden, Peeta. Absolutely. You'll only bring down more trouble on yourself and Katniss."  
"I have to agree with Effie on this one," says Haymitch. The look on his face is pretty angry now. I look around the table. Effie is trying hard not to cry, Portia and Cinna both have a very serious look on their face.

Then Katniss takes her gaze away from me and says, "I guess this is a bad time to mention I hung a dummy and painted Seneca Crane's name on it,"

If they were stunned about what I've said, they are absolutely horrified now. All the attention goes to Katniss, the expression on their faces is one of disapproval.  
"You ... hung ... Seneca Crane?" says Cinna.  
"Yes. I was showing off my new knot-tying skills, and he somehow ended up at the end of the noose," Katniss says matter-of-factly.

I can't help but smile a little at what she says and I'm amazed at her guts, her fire. She did it again, just like last year. Upset the Gamemakers by her actions. And this is even worse than shooting an arrow at them.  
"Oh, Katniss," says Effie in a whisper. "How do you even know about that?"  
"Is it a secret? President Snow didn't act like it was. In fact, he seemed eager for me to know," Katniss says, clearly pushing it now.

At this Effie gets up and walks away, pressing her napkin to her face.

"Now I've upset Effie. I should have lied and said I shot some arrows." Katniss says.  
I smile at her and say, "You'd have thought we planned it."  
"Didn't you?" asks Portia. I see she's upset as well, pressing her fingers against her eyes and I feel a little remorse now. These people all work so hard for us, and this is what we do in return.  
"No," Katniss says as she turns her eyes on me again. "Neither of us even knew what we were going to do before we went in."  
"And, Haymitch?" I say. "We decided we don't want any other allies in the arena."  
"Good. Then I won't be responsible for you killing off any of my friends with your stupidity," he says.  
"That's just what we were thinking," says Katniss.

Everybody collapses into silence after this and we finish our meal. Effie doesn't return until we go to the sitting room to see the scores. Her eyes red from crying, which gives me another pinch of remorse. And it makes me realize again that these people, like my prep team, like the attendant in the train, aren't happy with this Quell.

The scores are predictable. The Careers get high scores, Johanna Mason as well. The rest score somewhere between two and six.  
"Have they ever given a zero?" Katniss asks.  
"No, but there's a first time for everything," Cinna answers.  
After Seeder's five my face comes up and to our amazement I pull a twelve. Portia claps her hand on her mouth and I see the tears coming back in Effie's eyes again. Katniss too, pulls a twelve and with this we make Hunger Games history.

"Why did they do that?" Katniss asks, because it is unprecedented.  
"So that the others will have no choice but to target you," says Haymitch. "Go to bed. I can't stand to look at either one of you."

I get up from the couch and walk with Katniss to her room. I'm about to say goodnight when she surprisingly turns towards me and wraps her arms around my waist, pulling me to her as she rests her face against my chest.

I return her hug and lay my cheek on her hair, taking in her natural scent that reminds me so of pine needles. I caress her back and press her closer to me, savouring this moment of intimacy, which she initiated.

"I'm sorry if I made things worse," Her voice is soft.  
"No worse than I did. Why did you do it, anyway?" I ask.  
"I don't know. To show them that I'm more than just a piece in their Games?" Katniss says.  
At this I laugh, thinking about our night on the roof last year. Back then I had a feeling she didn't really know what I was talking about. But now it seems Katniss is on the same page as I am and I'm moved because of it.  
"Me, too," I say softly, while moving my hands to the small of her back. "And I'm not saying I'm not going to try. To get you home, I mean. But if I'm perfectly honest about it ..."  
"If you're perfectly honest about it, you think President Snow has probably given them direct orders to make sure we die in the arena anyway," Katniss voices my greatest fear.  
"It's crossed my mind," I say softly. I feel my heart clench at the idea of Katniss dying in that arena in just a couple of days. Not as long as I am alive, I tell myself. I'll defend her till I die.  
"But even if that happens, everyone will know we've gone out fighting, right?" I ask her.  
"Everyone will," she says.

I stroke my cheek against her soft hair and close my eyes. Drinking her in, the feel of her in my arms, her hands around my waist. I'd stand like this forever if she'd let me. I'll be okay with dying if my last days will be like this.

So when Katniss says, "So what should we do with our last few days?" I tell her the truth, no longer caring about how she would react to it.  
"I just want to spend every possible minute of the rest of my life with you."

She lifts her head and looks at me, then she breaks away from our hug and takes my hand.  
"Come on, then," she says, she opens her door and pulls me in after her.

Once inside I sit on the bed and look around. Her room is pretty much the same as mine. With a big bed in the middle, large windows that reach to the floor and closets full of clothes. Katniss starts rummaging through them. "There must be something in here you can wear," she says.

"No need," I say, "It's warm, I'll just sleep in my shorts, if that's okay."

"Sure," she says and leaves for the bathroom.

I strip of my clothes and open a small window to let in some fresh air. Katniss comes back in a thin nightgown and crawls into bed.

"You always sleep with the windows open? " she asks, looking at the open window.

"Yes," I answer, "I need the fresh air, don't you?"

"Not always," she says, "when it's really cold in the winter I don't like it."

"Well, it's not cold now," I say and slip into bed next to her.

She crosses over to my side of the bed and rests her head on my chest. We lie just like we did in the cave and in the train. My one arm wrapped around her shoulders, the other around her waist. Her head on my heart and her arm on my stomach. I pull her close to me and kiss her on the top of her head. We fall asleep like this, entwined in each other. A warm and soundless sleep.

The light of the sun breaks through the crack of the curtains and leaves a trail of light on the blankets. Katniss stirs against me and lifts her head.  
"No nightmares," I say.  
"No nightmares," she repeats. "You?"  
"None. I'd forgotten what a real night's sleep feels like," I answer.  
She lays her head back on my chest and we just lie there, watching the dust motes dance in the sunlight. There is a tap on the door and the Avox girl with the long red hair enters and hands Katniss a card.  
Katniss reads it and says, "The coaching sessions for the interview have been canceled!"  
"Really?" I say as I take the note and read it. Apparently Effie and Haymitch think we can handle ourselves fine without their help. Or we already screwed up so badly yesterday that they've lost hope. Either way, no training today. "Do you know what this means? We'll have the whole day to ourselves."  
"It's too bad we can't go somewhere," Katniss says.  
"Who says we can't?" I ask.  
Katniss looks at me questioningly but then gets what I'm hinting at. "The roof!"  
I nod enthusiastically. "We can order food and have a picnic in the flower garden," I say.

We say. We do. And with baskets of food and blankets we set out for the roof. In the garden we settle ourselves, surrounded by wind chimes, enjoying the sun on this last day. The day is so peaceful, so relaxed. No one bothers us, we just hang around, eating, me sketching while Katniss practices weaving a net like Finnick taught us.

I take an apple from the basket and throw it in the air, intending for Katniss to catch it, but it flies over her head and is about to fall from the roof. But that doesn't happen, because the force field is still there. The apple bounces back and lands in my lap. Katniss laughs and says, "let's do that again."

We make a game out of it, where one of us throws the apple into the force field and the other has to try to catch it when it bounces back. It reminds me of Haymitch's Games, using the force field for something else than it was intended for in the first place.

Today, like all other days, time passes by, and I regret it. Life doesn't get better than this and I don't want it to end. With or without the Games looming over us. But the sun persists on following its course through the sky, indicating there will come an end to this day.

Katniss plucks some flowers and comes with a handful of them towards me. "I'm going to make a crown of flowers." She says.

"Sounds like a good idea," I answer.

She lies down with her head on my lap, and starts to skillfully make a crown out of the flowers. My hands trail through her hair, trying to braid them.

"I'm going to practice my knot tying skills," I tell Katniss.

"With my hair?" she asks, smiling.

"Yes, your hair will suffice perfectly for that." I answer. "Just long and strong enough. You'll probably have to cut it once I'm done, though."

"Cinna would love that," Katniss says, but she doesn't stop me. I weave my hands through her hair, enjoying the silky feel of it, savoring every minute and regretting that they're passing by so fast. If I would just stop moving, will time stop ticking as well? My hands go still and Katniss looks up at me.  
"What?" she asks.  
"I wish I could freeze this moment, right here, right now, and live in it forever," I simply say.

I see her eyes shining silver as she smiles and says. "Okay."  
Somehow I expected her to frown at what I said, because I know what my comment implies. How much I love her. So I'm momentarily taken aback by her answer. Surprised because today she is okay with me loving her. I look in her silver eyes and I feel grateful. "Then you'll allow it?" I ask.  
"I'll allow it," she says.  
I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and try braiding it again. Katniss finishes the crown and closes her eyes. Her breathing becomes even, which tells me she's asleep. I look at her face, she looks so young and peaceful when she's asleep. I could just watch her sleep for hours. But I don't, because the sun starts to set, so I gently wake her to enjoy the spectacular colours with me.  
"I didn't think you'd want to miss it," I say.  
"Thanks," Katniss says and sits up. I wrap my arm around her and she rests her head against my shoulder as we watch the sun set.

"Shouldn't we be called for dinner right about now?" I ask.

"I guess they just let us be." Katniss answers.  
"I'm glad. I'm tired of making everyone around me so miserable," I say, thinking about Effie's red eyes, and my prep team and Portia. "Everybody crying. Or Haymitch ..." I trail off as I think about how disappointed he looked yesterday.

As the evening continues the stars appear in the sky. I point them out to Katniss. "They all have their own place in the sky," she says.

"Yes," I say, thinking about that horrible night on the Cornucopia last year. "You remember me telling you that?"

"I do," she says.

"There is something peaceful about the stars," I say, "they're beautiful in their simplicity. And the longer you look, the more of them you see. The night sky is so vast. Indicating there is more to the universe than our eyes can see."  
"I guess so," Katniss says, "I don't see how that is useful information, though."

"It's not always about usefulness, Katniss," I say, smiling.

We stay silent for a long time, until I suggest to go to bed. "We have a big, big, big day, tomorrow!" I say, imitating Effie.

We go back to Katniss' room without seeing anybody. It seems like the world emptied out, and it is just us now.

This night I'm reluctant to go to sleep. Because sleep means oblivion and I want to be aware of every minute of Katniss lying in my arms. I wonder why she lets me sleep with her. This is different than those nights on the train. She was so miserable then, so overwhelmed by the nightmares. Now she's calm and sleeps quietly. I can tell no dreams are harassing her. She doesn't need me. Yet here I am. I don't know why she wants me here, but I'm grateful nonetheless.

The next morning the arrival of Katniss's prep team wakes us up. Octavia, the woman painted green, instantly bursts into tears when she sees us sleeping together. Her tears bring me back to the reality of today. It is the day of our interviews, the day before the Games start.  
I get up, give Katniss a kiss and go to my own room, where my prep team has already arrived. They get to work on me in silence, their usual chatter about parties and food is gone. After a couple of hours in silence Portia arrives with a white tuxedo.

"Why am I wearing a white tuxedo?" I ask her.

"It is what grooms wear in the Capitol." Portia says.

"So?" I say, because it doesn't explain anything to me.

"President Snow ordered that Katniss is to wear the chosen bridal gown," Portia says, "which means you'll have to wear a groom's clothes."

I stare at her incredulously. "She has to wear a wedding dress?" I ask. Portia nods and I shake my head. I know Snow is sending a message with this. How he has defeated us. How he has the power to give us a wedding and take it away from us again. He has all the power and we have none.

But we won't go down without a fight, and tonight at the interview will be a perfect occasion to show this man what we really think of him. And that he doesn't own us.

Sensa gives me a sad smile and takes my hand. "At least you and Katniss got to spend some time together, right?" She says.

Her comment makes me think about what she said a couple of day ago, about our children. An idea starts to form in my head. An idea that is so good, I start smiling.

Sensa thinks this smile is because of what she said and she starts crying now. I take a deep breath and am about to reassure her when Portia intervenes. "Thank you, Sensa," she says shortly, "I will take it from here." Sensa nods and turns away, Morna follows her but Josius lingers behind. Portia raises her eyebrows at him in question. "I..." he stammers, then he steels himself and says, "I want to thank you, Peeta. For everything. You are the best victor and the nicest guy I've ever met." With this he turns around and disappears from the room, leaving me speechless.

Portia helps me get dressed and asks about the interview. "You know what you'll do?" she asks.

"I've thought of something," I say mysteriously. She smiles, "I bet it will be a stunner, like last year."

"That's the idea," I say.  
We leave for the elevator and wait there with Effie and Haymitch for Cinna and Katniss to arrive. When they do I hear Effie inhales her breath sharply. I turn to see Katniss and immediately understand Effie's reaction. Katniss looks absolutely stunning, in a silk wedding dress with long sleeves and pearls. The pearls remind me of how Effie told the Capitol citizens last year that Katniss and I were pearls. Beauty that arose out of pain.

Effie gets teary again, complimenting Katniss on her beauty. Katniss looks a bit sad so I smile at her encouragingly and take her hand while we step into the elevator.

Together we walk to an offstage area where the other tributes are waiting. When we arrive they all stop talking and stare at Katniss in her gown.  
The silence lasts for a while, but then Finnick says, "I can't believe Cinna put you in that thing."  
"He didn't have any choice. President Snow made him," Katniss says.

Cashmere, the female tribute from District One looks disgusted and says, "Well, you look ridiculous!"

At this she walks to the front, dragging her brother behind her. I lead Katniss to the back of the line. As the tributes from District Twelve, we will arrive last. The other tributes are patting us on the shoulder and Johanna Mason stops in front of us and straightens the pearl necklace Katniss is wearing.  
"Make him pay for it, okay?" she says.

With this comment I know that I won't be the only one who is going to give the President a hard time at these interviews.

And I'm right, because when the interviews start with Cashmere, she immediately starts the offense against the Capitol. She's crying while she tells about the suffering of the people in the Capitol for losing us. Gloss says that the citizens of the Capitol have become like family and that he'll miss them. The tributes from District Two, Brutus and Enobaria, don't participate in our offense, but when Beetee comes up he openly questions the legality of the Quell. Each of the other victors add more fuel to the flames. I see the audience getting more and more upset, openly crying and calling out the names of the tributes. Even Caesar seems to be having a difficult time keeping his act together. Seeder from District Eleven asks why the President doesn't change the Quell and Chaff, right after her, also insists that he could change it if he wanted too.

Then it is Katniss's turn and I watch her take the stage. The audience goes berserk when they see her in her white wedding dress, looking absolutely gorgeous. People are crying again and I know what they're thinking. No more star-crossed lovers to drool over, no happily ever after for us. And I suddenly don't understand President Snow's choice anymore. Because this seems to blow up in his face. He has miscalculated the whole thing. All the better, I think, while the audience keep screaming and clapping for Katniss. Caesar tries to calm them down, but he has trouble keeping back the tears himself.

Finally he manages to say something, after the noise of the crowd dies down a bit, "So, Katniss, obviously this is a very emotional night for everyone. Is there anything you'd like to say?"  
Surprisingly I hear a trembling in Katniss's voice as well, when she speaks. "Only that I'm so sorry you won't get to be at my wedding ... but I'm glad you at least get to see me in my dress. Isn't it just ... the most beautiful thing?"

The audience starts to cheer and applaud again and Katniss starts twirling around, like she did last year, raising the sleeves of her gown above her head.

While Katniss is twirling the crowd begins to scream. I notice that something is happening with Katniss's dress. Smoke is rising up around her and I see fire burning away the dress. This is real fire, not the fake stuff from last year or from the costumes we wore at the parade. I'm getting a bit anxious because I see the panic in Katniss's eyes as well. But I trust Cinna and know he wouldn't burn her alive. The dress disappears into black bits of silk and ashes and the pearls clatter on the ground. Caesar staggers backwards while Katniss keeps spinning until the fire dies out. Then she comes to a stop and I see the white dress has completely disappeared. And in its place is a black dress, made entirely out of feathers. Katniss looks down at herself and raises her arms. The sleeves of the dress are made of feathers too, black with white patches. They look more like wings than like sleeves and that is when I see what Cinna has done. Beauty arose out of the ashes.

Cinna has turned her into a mockingjay.


	18. If it weren't for the baby

**Chapter 18 – If it weren't for the baby**

I'm still amazed about the fantastic job Cinna's done, when Caesar reaches out to Katniss.

"Feathers," he says. "You're like a bird."  
"A mockingjay, I think," Katniss says, she moves her arms a little and really looks like she's a bird about to take flight. "It's the bird on the pin I wear as a token."

Cinna has done so much with this dress. This is not just a fancy fashion trick. This is the act of a rebel. Changing the ideas of the Capitol into one of rebellion. From the white Capitol design to the black bird that represents a revolution. How much does Cinna know, I wonder. Is there an organized group of rebels in which he plays a part? It doesn't sound logical to me, but there must be some reasoning behind this. A message to everyone who is willing to fight. It says Katniss is the mockingjay, the one who's still alive despite the Capitol's wishes. And it's even more imperative for me now that she will stay alive. That she will win these Games to become the face of this rebellion, more than she already is.

"Well, hats off to your stylist." Caesar says. "I don't think anyone can argue that that's not the most spectacular thing we've ever seen in an interview. Cinna, I think you better take a bow!"

I see Cinna rise and make a small, gracious bow. He is on every screen in Panem now and I'm sure no one will ever forget him as the stylist of the Mockingjay. But how will this work out for him? The President will know what this signifies too and I just have to think about Seneca Crane to fear for Cinna's safety. Being a Capitol citizen doesn't guarantee anything.

After the audience has processed the shock of Katniss's transformation, they burst out into a loud applause. They're clapping, hooting and stamping their feet. Katniss's dress has done the job fairly well. Adding more fuel. There is just one more thing to do to make sure this whole thing will explode in the face of the President. And I intend to do just that.

Katniss's three minutes are up without any chance for her to say something more or for Caesar to ask her anything. I get up to take the stage and feel a little nervous for what I'm about to do. When Katniss passes me I make sure I don't look at her, afraid that it will make me lose my nerve. And I need to be in character now.

Caesar slaps me on the shoulder and asks me about Katniss's transformation.

"Well, I didn't expect her to burst into flames." I say. "And then to have a phoenix arise from the ashes."

"Do you even like birds?" Caesar asks.

"Not if they're overcooked like that," I answer and he laughs. He makes a few more comments about feathers and fire but I act distracted to make clear there's something else on my mind. Caesar picks up on this and asks, "So, Peeta, what was it like when, after all you've been through, you found out about the Quell?"  
I answer in an unsure, stammering manner. "I was in shock. I mean, one minute I'm seeing Katniss looking so beautiful in all these wedding gowns, and the next ..." I trail off, like I'm lost in thought.  
"You realized there was never going to be a wedding?" asks Caesar, and his tone is gentle now, sensing my mood.  
I don't answer for a moment, thinking about what the best way would be to drop this bomb. I look at the audience, who are all silent now and staring at me. Then I cast my look down to floor as if it could give me answers before I look up at Caesar and say. "Caesar, do you think all our friends here can keep a secret?"  
It is a ridiculous question of course, these interviews are being aired throughout the whole of Panem. But I'm building the suspense with it. The audience lets out a nervous laughter as Caesar says, "I feel quite certain of it."  
"We're already married," I say calmly.

The effect is already satisfying, the crowd is dumbfounded and I see Katniss burying her head in her dress when the big screen shows her reaction. It doesn't show that she's surprised by what I say, so I'm guessing no one will doubt the truth of my words.  
"But ... how can that be?" Caesar stammers.  
"Oh, it's not an official marriage. We didn't go to the Justice Building or anything. But we have this marriage ritual in District Twelve. I don't know what it's like in the other districts. But there's this thing we do," I say. "it is a simple ceremony, really. The couple who's getting married make a fire together and then take some bread and toast it on the fire. They share the toasted bread and that's it. In our District, you're only really married after you've done this. Katniss and I did this together in my house."  
"Were your families there?" asks Caesar.  
"No, we didn't tell anyone. Not even Haymitch. And Katniss's mother would never have approved. But you see, we knew if we were married in the Capitol, there wouldn't be a toasting. And neither of us really wanted to wait any longer. So one day, we just did it," I explain. "And to us, we're more married than any piece of paper or big party could make us."  
"So this was before the Quell?" says Caesar.  
"Of course before the Quell. I'm sure we'd never have done it after we knew," I say, and I make sure to sound upset. "But who could've seen it coming? No one. We went through the Games, we were victors, everyone seemed so thrilled to see us together, and then out of nowhere - I mean, how could we anticipate a thing like that?"  
All the anger and betrayal I felt during that announcement comes out now and I feel that I am shaking.  
"You couldn't, Peeta." Caesar says while he puts an arm around my shoulders. "As you say, no one could've. But I have to confess, I'm glad you two had at least a few months of happiness together."  
At this the audience gives a big applause. But I am not done yet, they are in for a lot more.  
"I'm not glad," I say, with a tremble in my voice. "I wish we had waited until the whole thing was done officially."  
Caesar is sincerely surprised. "Surely even a brief time is better than no time?"  
"Maybe I'd think that, too, Caesar," I say bitterly, "if it weren't for the baby."

Realization dawns on everyone and the bomb explodes full force. People rise from their seats, shake their fists in the air. There are people bursting out in tears. Others start screaming about how unfair these Games are. I even hear people say it's barbarism and murder. As if all the other Games weren't just that. But an unborn baby, that is what sends everyone over the edge. It's because they know us now, I think, we've become real persons to them, instead of nameless tributes. We're real people with real tragedy facing us, and it's something they can relate to. I see Caesar next to me blinking heavily.

"Katniss is pregnant?" He says, but his voice gets lost in the sounds of the raging audience. I nod at him and he tries to reign in the audience. But they will not be reigned in anymore, a force has been unleashed at my announcement of Katniss' pregnancy. The seconds tick away and when the buzzer goes off I just nod at Caesar, because it's impossible to say anything in this great noise. Then I turn back to my seat next to Katniss.

While I listen to the cries of the audience I think about my nonexistent unborn child who doesn't get the chance to be born in a peaceful world. All of a sudden tears are flowing down my cheeks, because of the future we've been denied and the fact that I will never become a father. This situation with this fictional child in Katniss' womb will be the closest thing to becoming a father I'll ever get. I should be glad, because raising a child in the world we live in will only give us more heartbreak, I'm sure. But I'm not glad now, I feel lost and upset, even though I did what I set out to do.

The anthem blasts out of the sound system and I rise from my seat, stretching my arm out, reaching for Katniss. She turns and looks at me as she takes my hand. I'm still crying and I see her eyes are shining with tears as well. She looks away and stares into the audience for a while, but then turns to her other side and I see she's offering Chaff her hand. Chaff, on his turn, extends his hand to Seeder and I see others also start to join hands. The camera's are on us and on the big screens I see that all the victors slowly, one by one link hands. At the end of the anthem everyone is holding the hand of the persons standing next to them. This is unity between the Districts that doesn't have a precedent since the Hunger Games began. Suddenly the screens blacken out and I realize the Capitol is cutting off the power. Too little too late, everyone in the entire country has seen our act of unity. They will all have to deal with this black out too, but I'm sure they'll understand the magnitude of this. We did a good job, as victors, exploding this bomb on an unsuspecting audience.

Because the lights have been turned off as well, we can't really see much and everybody starts rushing in different directions to get off the stage. I hold on tight to Katniss's hand while I lead her towards the elevators. I press the button for the elevator and pull Katniss closer to me, because attendants and Peacekeepers are pressing at us and others as well, and I'm afraid I'll lose her in this mayhem. The elevator opens its doors and we get in. I see Finnick and Johanna trying to join us but a Peacekeeper pushes them away and the elevator closes before they reach us.

In the minute the elevator ride takes I get nervous. Because I didn't confide in Katniss and told the whole world she is pregnant without discussing it with her first. And I remember her last reaction vividly. Hopefully there's no urn in the foyer. I glance a look at her, but before I can say anything the doors open again on our floor. We step into the hall and I take a hold of Katniss's shoulders. "There isn't much time, so tell me. Is there anything I have to apologize for?"

Katniss shakes her head. "Nothing." She looks at me with those beautiful grey eyes and smiles.

"I think it was the best thing you could've said," she says after a few moments of silence.

"I do believe it made an impression." I say with a smile.

"Shall we go to the living room or wait here for the others?" Katniss asks.

"Let's wait here, they'll be here any minute." I answer.

We wait for a while but when the elevator finally opens again, only Haymitch comes out of it.

"Where are the others?" I ask him.

"It's madness out there." Haymitch says. "Everyone's been sent home and they've cancelled the recap of the interviews on television."

We all go to the living room where we have a clear view on the city. Both Katniss and I stare down at the crowd beneath us. They're like little insects moving fast over the ground.

"What are they saying?" I ask Haymitch. "Are they asking the President to stop the Games?"  
"I don't think they know themselves what to ask. The whole situation is unprecedented. Even the idea of opposing the Capitol's agenda is a source of confusion for the people here," says Haymitch. "But there's no way Snow would cancel the Games. You know that, right?"  
I nod, I didn't expect him to cancel them in the first place. But I do feel we have achieved something tonight what could lead to the end of the Hunger Games eventually.  
"The others went home?" Katniss asks.  
"They were ordered to. I don't know how much luck they're having getting through the mob," says Haymitch.

"Then we'll never see Effie again," I say. This realization makes me feel sad. I've grown attached to Effie, despite her cluelessness. I liked her meticulous way of handling our schedule. Her determination to make sure we were always treated well. And how she helped me with the locket. "You'll give her our thanks." I say to Haymitch.

"More than that. Really make it special. It's Effie, after all," Katniss says. "Tell her how appreciative we are and how she was the best escort ever and tell her ..." she hesitates a bit before she continues. "Tell her we send our love."  
Haymitch nods and I stare out of the window again. Now would be the time to say goodbye to Haymitch too and somehow I don't want to. I owe him my life and now he has to watch me die, somewhere in the next couple of weeks. With this knowledge, how do you say goodbye to someone?

He is the one to finally say it, "I guess this is where we say our good-byes as well."  
"Any last words of advice?" I ask.  
"Stay alive," Haymitch says brusquely. But then he gives me a hug and Katniss as well. It's the most open display of affection I've ever seen from him. "Go to bed." He says, "You need your rest."

Katniss swallows hard and stares to the ground. Not knowing what to say. I take her hand and squeeze it and say my last words to Haymitch. "You take care, Haymitch."

Taking Katniss with me, I walk through the room in the direction of our bedrooms. But then Haymitch suddenly starts speaking again, so we turn around.

"Katniss, when you're in the arena," he says. Then he stops and looks at her intently, a characteristic scowl on his face.  
"What?" Katniss asks.  
"You just remember who the enemy is," Haymitch tells her. "That's all. Now go on. Get out of here."

The enemy. As if we need to be reminded on who that is. I don't really understand Haymitch's remark. It is pretty clear who the enemy is.

Katniss and I leave the room and walk through the hall. "I want to shower off the makeup," I say to her. "I'll come to your room after, okay?"

"No," Katniss answers, "You can shower in my room. If a door shuts between us they will lock it, like they did last year."

"Last year?" I ask surprised, because I don't what she's referring to.

"Yes, I wanted to come see you then, the night of our coronation, before our last interview." Katniss says, "But they locked my door , so I couldn't. I won't let that happen again." She tightens her grip on my hand, as if she's afraid I'll run away if she lets me go.

"Okay, I'll shower in your room." I say. Katniss' insistency surprises me a bit. It seems that she, just like me, wants to spend every possible minute of the rest of her life with me and I feel my heart strangely warmed at this thought.

After a short shower I crawl into bed next to Katniss and pull her into my arms. This is our last night in peace together and I intend to appreciate it to the fullest. With her warm body pressed against mine I think about my life and how, even though I'll die young, I am content with it. I lived a life with a roof over my head, enough food and good friends. And I spent the last year of it with the woman I love and I'll probably die in her presence. It could have been worse.

As the night continues I try to sleep but it doesn't come. I'm worried about what tomorrow might bring, scared about Katniss's fate most of all. I'm hoping that my interview did a lot to improve her position. Being pregnant will make people sympathize with her. It won't be surprising if she gets a lot of sponsors because of it. But the interview did more than that. I feel I have an advantage over Katniss now, everybody expects me to die for her and our unborn child, and no one would expect it to be the other way around. If she died and I lived, she would leave me in a very unpopular position, as the man who couldn't save his own wife and baby.

But there are still 22 other tributes who need to die. I hope to bring down as many of them as I can for her, but at the same time I have no idea how. I don't want to kill these people. And I also believe that at least some of them don't want to kill us either. We were holding hands, all of the districts united. That is a strong message. But will it still count when the gong goes off? How long will it take for us to turn to killing again. To destroy the life of another person, no matter how forced we are to do so, it takes everything from you. Your dignity, your self-worth, your sense of justice and mercy. I sigh deeply, thinking how I hope I won't have to kill anyone and how I have to if I want Katniss to survive. At my sighing, Katniss stirs in my arms, indicating that she's not sleeping either. I feel how she presses her face a little tighter to my chest and her soft lips brush my skin. My arm slides over her waist, caressing her and willing her to sleep. We're going to need all the energy we have tomorrow in the arena. This goes for me as well, so I try to clear my mind and think of only happy, calming thoughts. On Katniss's eyes staring at me from her bed while I was painting, on baking cheese buns for her, on sunsets on the roof.

Time goes by as the night fades away. At the break of dawn there is a knock on the door. Cinna and Portia enter the room together. They don't say anything but I know Portia and I will have to leave now. I give Katniss a kiss before I get up.  
"See you soon," I say.  
"See you soon," she answers.

Portia and I walk out of the room and she wraps an arm around my shoulder as we walk to my room to collect the locket. I put it around my neck and then we head up to the roof where a hovercraft is ready for us.  
Once I'm on the ladder, an electric current freezes me and inside the hovercraft I'm injected with a tracker before I'm released again.

Portia and I sit together in the hovercraft, while breakfast is being served. I eat as much as I can hold, even though I really don't feel like eating at all. But who knows when or if I'll ever eat again. So I force myself to keep eating until the windows of the hovercraft blacken out. At that point I get so nervous that I can't eat another bite.

Portia reached out and takes my hand. "It will be okay." She says.

"No, it won't," I answer, "you know it won't."

Portia has a grave expression on her face and just nods. I sigh deeply. "I really hope she'll live, Portia. But I don't know if she will."  
"No point in worrying about it, Peeta. Just try your best once you're inside." Portia says.

The hovercraft lands and we're off to the Launch Room where I take a shower and Portia helps me dress in a blue jumpsuit. "The material is very thin," she tells me. "It won't do much against cold or rain."  
There is a large purple belt with it and nylon shoes. "I don't know what to think of it," Portia says, "maybe something with water, because the jumpsuit reminds me of the suits they use for diving."

"For diving?" I ask, "what do you mean?"  
"You've seen the sea in District Four." Portia says and I nod. "Sometimes there are excursions to that District for the people from the Capitol. During these excursion they dive in the ocean, wearing jumpsuits similar to this one."

"I can't swim." I say, "and I don't know if any of the others can. Except for Finnick maybe, and Mags."

"Well, there is no saying you need to swim. I'm just guessing," Portia says. "It can be something else entirely."  
"I guess I'll find out in a moment," I say and smile at her.

A voice comes over the speakers, telling me to get ready. I stand on the metal plate as Portia takes my hands in both of hers.  
"All the best to you, Peeta," she says softly, and I see the tears shining in her eyes. She gives me a tight hug and kisses me once on my cheek .

"Thank you," I whisper, my throat seems to be closed off. "For everything."

Portia nods and then releases my hands because the glass cylinder is emerging around me. I keep my eyes fixed on her until the metal plate starts to move and she disappears from my view. For a few moments I'm inside the tube and then the glass retracts and I'm out in the open. Immediately I see that Portia was right. Because everywhere around me is water. The blue waves fall over my shoes as I take in my surroundings. What am I supposed to do now? And Katniss, my thoughts immediately go to her. Because this is no place for a girl on fire.


	19. The Jungle

**Part 3 – The enemy**

**Chapter 19 – Jungle  
**  
"Ladies and gentlemen, let the Seventy-fifth Hunger Games begin!" The voice of Claudius Templesmith, the Hunger Games announcer, booms through the air.

I look at the sky, which has a uniform pink color. It's not the same as the pink sky I saw last year, when I was under influence of the tracker jacker venom. This color is much softer, almost natural. The sun is burning white and hot, hurting my eyes. I avert them and see the gold of the Cornucopia in front of me. That is where I must go, to get weapons and food, find Katniss and head out. But how will I get there? There is nothing but water surrounding me and I can't swim. My thoughts go to Finnick, who has a big advantage in this arena. He'll probably arrive at the Cornucopia first, where he can pick out a few tridents. But then what? If everybody else is still stranded on their plates, what will he do?

On my right there's a thin strip of sand, as a path leading towards the Cornucopia. On the other end it ends on a small beach, and after that there are trees for as far as I can see. They're not normal trees, not like the ones we have back in our own District. But they're too far away for me to really examine them. I turn around on the metal plate and see that there are more strips of sand, like spokes on a wheel. Between the strips there are pairs of tributes. Twelve spokes, twenty four tributes, and all of us stranded on our plates. I look for Katniss but I can't see her anywhere. She's probably on the other side of the Cornucopia. It would have been too easy for her to be standing here next to me, I guess. If there is something the Gamemakers don't like, it is things being easy for tributes.

The sixty seconds before the gong goes off tick away, and I still have no idea what to do. When the gong sounds I stay stranded on my plate. The tribute to my left, in our wedge, is Cecilia from District Eight. She doesn't move either, instead she's looking around, lifting her hands in a question. I squat down on my plate and scoop up a hand full of the water. It is salt, like I suspected. It is clear too, I can see that it is too deep, there is no way that I could just jump in and walk to a strip of sand. On the other side of the narrow path, I see Enobaria. She can swim, because I see her getting carefully off of her plate and then move slowly through the water to the path. I feel a panic rise in me, because what will she do next? She could swim to me and drown me, that wouldn't even be that difficult, even though I'm probably stronger than her. But she doesn't, she gets on the sand and runs towards the Cornucopia. Just before she reaches it she dives back into the water and I see an arrow flying through the air. It must be from Katniss! No one else can shoot like that! How did she get there so fast?

Again I'm scanning the area, to see if there is anything I can find that I can use. But there is nothing, the only way to get either to the Cornucopia or to the small beach behind me is to swim. I squint my eyes and see Katniss come around the Cornucopia now, with Finnick right behind her. She's armed with a bow and he carries several tridents. But they're not fighting each other. Even more, it seems he covers her while she looks around. Her eyes fix on me and I lift my arm. She says something to Finnick and then starts running over the small strip of land towards me.

I can't tell how relieved I am to see her. Even though I don't understand what Finnick is doing with her. But if she accepts him, then so will I. They both come to a halt on the strip of land and Katniss is dropping the weapons she carries to come and get me. Finnick puts his hand on her shoulder and says something to her. She seems to object and they argue for a little bit, while he drops his tridents and then pats her on her stomach. What are they doing? The next thing that happens is that Finnick disappears in the water for a while. He surfaces a few metres in front of me and swims towards me fast. I crouch down on the plate when he arrives.

"Hi Peeta, good to see you again." Finnick says.

"Hi Finnick," I say, "What is your deal?"

"I'm here to bring you to Katniss, what else?" he says and he lifts his arm. That is when I see the golden bangle on his wrist. I recognize it immediately as Haymitch's bangle. This is Haymitch telling us to trust Finnick. And I trust Haymitch. I believe he was right about us needing allies, and if he thinks Finnick is the one, then I believe that. I remember him saying that Finnick was not to be overlooked.

Finnick is still looking at me expectantly, waiting for my reply. Katniss, on the strip of sand, is watching us, which makes me decide to go for it. So I nod at Finnick and he tells me to jump in the water.  
Finnick places his arm across my chest. "Don't move," he says, "just relax, in that way it's easiest for me to get you to the beach."

"Okay," I say and relax my muscles. We reach the sand where Katniss helps me onto the dry land. I'm relieved to feel the ground beneath my feet again.

"Hello, again," I say to Katniss and give her a kiss. "We've got allies."  
"Yes. Just as Haymitch intended," she says.

"Remind me, did we make deals with anyone else?" I ask.  
"Only Mags, I think," she answers while she nods towards the water. I turn my head and see Mags in the water, slowly paddling toward us.  
"Well, I can't leave Mags behind," says Finnick. "She's one of the few people who actually likes me."  
"I've got no problem with Mags," Katniss says. "Especially now that I see the arena. Het fishhooks are probably our best chance of getting a meal."  
"Katniss wanted her on the first day," I tell Finnick.  
"Katniss has remarkably good judgment," says Finnick.

Mags has arrived now and Finnick pulls her out of the water with one arm. She says something to us which I can't understand and then she points at the purple belt around her waist.

"Look, she's right. Someone figured it out." Finnick says while pointing towards the water. I see Beetee in the waves, not swimming but he's not drowning either.  
"What?" Katniss asks.  
"The belts. They're flotation devices," says Finnick. "I mean, you have to propel yourself, but they'll keep you from drowning."  
I look at Beetee, wondering if we should wait for him to join us. But he seems to be heading into the direction of the Cornucopia.

"Let's move on," says Katniss while she gives me her second bow and sheath of arrows. I'm not really good with a bow and arrow but we practiced a lot with them during our training in the last couple of months so I can handle them. Fortunately she also hands me a long knife which is more my kind of weapon. I preferably use it to slice bread, but if necessary I can use it for other purposes as well.

Mags is tugging at Katniss's sleeve and tries talking to her. I smile at the old woman but can't understand a word she's saying. In the end Katniss gives her an awl. That seems to satisfy her and she climbs on Finnicks back.

"Let's head to the trees," Katniss says.  
We run towards the trees and away from the Cornucopia. Now that we've come closer I see that they are jungle. Unfamiliar leaves and vines, a lot of flowers as well in all different kinds of colours. It makes the jungle look nice enough. The ground is spongy black dirt and the air is moist and hot under the trees.

there is a lot of vegetation, the vines make it especially hard to move quickly. I take the lead and cut through the vines with the knife Katniss got me. Finnick is right behind me and Katniss takes up the rear, bow in hand, loaded with an arrow. The ground is raising slowly and we climb for about a mile. Then I hear Finnick's voice behind me, "Let's take a break, okay?"

Of course, he is carrying Mags, and in the hot air, without any water to drink, this must be extra tiring for him and for Mags as well. It is warm here and I already feel the dryness in my own throat, how much worse would it be for them?

Finnick carefully lets Mags down his back on the ground and we all sit down beside her. "I want to take a look at what's happening," says Katniss, waving in the direction we came from. She gets up and starts climbing a big tree.

I look at Finnick who sits back and watches Katniss climb. What's he thinking? Why did Haymitch choose him as our ally? I wonder what Katniss makes out of all this, but I can't possibly ask her. I'm thinking she won't be too happy about it. Because allies are nice for as long as it lasts, but eventually they all have to die. And the tighter the relationship is, the harder it gets to kill them. I think about last year. Marly, I don't think I would have been able to slay her, or even Clove or Glimmer. I am grateful that it wasn't necessary. Finishing off the girl from Eight, whom I did not know, was bad enough. And I know Katniss feels the same way. She had haunting nightmares of killing Marvel. I remember her waking screaming on the train after we visited District One. "I didn't even know his name," she'd said. As for Rue, she told me specifically that she wouldn't be able to murder her any way.

No, Katniss won't be able to kill anyone she has close ties with. For her this means it will be impossible to kill Finnick unless it's done immediately. Somehow Finnick reaches this conclusion himself as well. Because when we see Katniss descending the tree, he gets up on his feet and raises one of his tridents in front of him. I feel the atmosphere changing.

Katniss jumps on the ground and faces him instantly. A cautious look on her face. Her loaded bow in her hand.  
"What's going on down there, Katniss?" asks Finnick. "Have they all joined hands? Taken a vow of nonviolence? Tossed the weapons in the sea in defiance of the Capitol?"  
"No," she says warily.  
"No," Finnick says. "Because whatever happened in the past is in the past. And no one in this arena was a victor by chance." He fixes his eyes on me for a short time before looking at her again. "Except maybe Peeta."

Except maybe me. A victor by chance. Because Katniss chose to ignore the orders of the Capitol that only one victor could remain. Finnick's right. If she hadn't come up with those berries, I would have died. And I know what he means too. My unwillingness to kill anybody is different from most of the other tributes. Although I do believe there are more people in here that will hesitate too. We should have waited with clearing out, I think, to see if a wider alliance was possible. Maybe Chaff and Seeder could have joined us. The bigger our group, the better Katniss gets protected. But even so, in the end they all still have to die. That is the whole problem with pacts in the arena. We can't know who to trust. Except maybe Finnick, who is here with us now.

Katniss and he are sizing each other up in silence and I'm suddenly scared they'll try to kill each other. I don't think that's a good idea. Haymitch fixed us up with Finnick for a reason. He won't kill us, I don't believe that. And killing him now would be premature. We can divide tasks, searching for food, we can rest more and do better with a wider alliance than with just the two of us. And if she kills Finnick, what would we do with Mags? I'm okay with Finnick carrying her, but if he's gone, she would just be a big burden for Katniss and me and we can't very well leave her here to die.

So I get up and go to stand in between them deliberately.  
"So how many are dead?" I ask Katniss.  
She scowls at me, indicating she's not happy with my move, but I ignore her scowl completely and stand my ground.  
"Hard to say," she says. "At least six, I think. And they're still fighting."  
"Let's keep moving. We need water," I suggest.  
"Better find some soon," says Finnick. "We need to be undercover when the others come hunting us tonight."

His use of words make me realize I made a good decision. He talks like he's part of our team, and why wouldn't he? He's the one who chose us, together with Haymitch. And he has helped me get off my plate and to the beach. Katniss seems to arrive at the conclusion that he doesn't need to be killed right now. She removes the arrow from her bow and places it back in the sheath.

"Let's search for water," she says, "better move uphill."

We all get up and Finnick hauls Mags on his back. I take the lead again, cutting vines to clear a path for the others. We're all panting and sweating. In this weather the need for water is even bigger than in our last Games.

We've climbed uphill for a mile when we seem to come to the top of it.

"Maybe we'll have better luck on the other side. Find a spring or something." I hear Katniss say behind me. I nod and keep walking and cutting away the vines.

I've almost reach the top of the hill when I hear Katniss cry out my name. At the same time I slash another couple of vines out of the way. Suddenly there is a sharp zapping sound as I feel the edge of my knife hit something. The next moment I'm flying.

There is darkness. I am nowhere, I am nothing. There is nothingness and a great void. I expected it would be scary to die, but it's not. I feel a calm coming over me. I almost expect to hear music played by a thousand harps or something.

Instead, I find silence.


	20. Life after dying

**Chapter 20 – Life after dying **

"Peeta!" I hear a voice in the distance calling my name. Breaking the peaceful silence violently. I can't react to the voice even though I hear the panic in it loud and clear. I know there is something important about the sound of my name. That there is someone out there willing me to live. But I know I can't give her what she wants. I'm gone, even though I didn't mean to go so fast. I wanted to stay alive for her for a little while longer. But I can't.

There is a tugging and I feel a pressure on my chest. It lifts and then presses into me again. My lungs fill with air I didn't breath in myself. The pumping weight on my chest keeps pushing me back to life. The darkness seems to disappear and so does the silence. I feel the warm, dense air around me, the spongy earth beneath me and I know where I am and what happened. I've hit a force field. Such a strong one that it blew the life out of me.

But it's all coming back to me and suddenly I know how to breathe again. I cough softly when the air tries to find its way to my lungs.  
"Peeta?" Katniss's voice reaches my ears and I feel her hands go through my hair, her fingers caressing my neck. Katniss. It was her voice calling out to me in the darkness. And I came back to her. I will my eyes to open and see her bent over me, her eyes shining silver. Her hair is tickling in my face.  
"Careful," I whisper. "There's a force field up ahead."

She laughs, her eyes still trained on my face. Tears fill her eyes and run down her face, dripping on me.  
"Must be a lot stronger than the one on the Training Center roof," I say. "I'm all right, though. Just a little shaken."  
I raise my hand, trying to wipe away the tears. Katniss is still crying when she bursts out, "You were dead! Your heart stopped!"  
"Well, it seems to be working now," I say as I stare in her face. She seems really upset so I try to calm her down. "It's all right, Katniss." I say. She nods but she's seriously sobbing now.  
"Katniss?" I ask and reach out my arm to her. What is going on with her? I'm worried because it seems like something's wrong.

"It's okay. It's just her hormones," another voice comes up from behind me. "From the baby." I turn my head and see Finnick sitting on his knees on my other side. He's breathing hard while wiping away the sweat from his forehead.

The baby? It takes a while before I understand what he's talking about. The interview. I told everyone Katniss is pregnant. But she's not. So this doesn't explain at all why she's so upset.

"No. It's not - " Katniss tries to say, but she keeps crying, which makes it impossible for her to talk. I see she's looking at Finnick now, through her tears. And that is when it dawns on me. She cries because of me. I lie my head back on the earth and think about the past couple of days. Chaff telling me Johanna came up to me to annoy Katniss. Katniss pulling me into her room. Sleeping together in her bed without nightmares. Our day on the roof. The fear in her voice when she screamed my name. It is me. It is because of me. I can hardly believe it, because what does this mean? Does it mean that she cares about me more than I thought.

The thought resonates in my head when Finnick asks me, "How are you? Do you think you can move on?"  
"No, he has to rest," Katniss says, still sniffling. Mags, who is also still there, hands her some moss with which she blows her nose. Then she looks at me and reaches for the golden chain around my neck. She retrieves the locket from my jumpsuit and examines it.  
"Is this your token?" she asks.  
"Yes. Do you mind that I used your mockingjay? I wanted us to match," I answer.  
"No, of course I don't mind." She smiles and puts it back into my jumpsuit, as if she doesn't want anyone to see it. Good, because I'm not ready to show her the content of it yet.

"So you want to make camp here, then?" Finnick asks.  
"I don't think that's an option," I say. "Staying here. With no water. No protection. I feel all right, really. If we could just go slowly."  
"Slowly would be better than not at all." Finnick says and he reaches out his hand to me and helps me back to my feet. I stand a little shakily. It is weird, how Finnick acts. He brought me back to life, not Katniss. But why? What would be his motivation to keep me alive. Does he think I'll be of some use to him later on in the Games?

While I'm still pondering over this, Katniss gets up as well. "I'll take the lead."

"Katniss, I don't-" I start, but Finnick holds out a hand.  
"No, let her do it." He says.

I don't like the idea, because of the force field, but then he says to Katniss, "You knew that force field was there, didn't you? Right at the last second? You started to give a warning."

Katniss nods at this. "How did you know?" Finnick asks. I'm instantly reminded by what Katniss said to me in the training center. How Beetee and Wiress told her they could see the force field between us and the Gamemakers.

Katniss doesn't tell Finnick this, instead she says, "I don't know. It's almost as if I could hear it. Listen."

She holds a finger in the air and I look at her incredulously. I know for sure she said Beetee and Wiress could see it. But maybe a force field can be heard as well. I don't know much about technology. We all listen intensely. There is a lot of noise, from animals, the wind, I can even hear us breathing. But that's it.  
"I don't hear anything," I say after a while.  
"Yes," Katniss says, "it's like when the fence around District Twelve is on, only much, much quieter." We all try to stay as quiet as possible as we try to hear the sound again. "There!" Katniss says suddenly. "Can't you hear it? It's coming from right where Peeta got shocked."  
"I don't hear it, either," says Finnick. "But if you do, by all means, take the lead."

Katniss turns her head in the direction of the force field and back again. "That's weird," she says. "I can only hear it out of my left ear."  
"The one the doctors reconstructed?" I ask, remembering how she lost her hearing ability in our first Games.  
"Yeah. Maybe they did a better job than they thought." Katniss says and she shrugs. "You know, sometimes I do hear funny things on that side. Things you wouldn't ordinarily think have a sound. Like insect wings. Or snow hitting the ground."

Right. Snow hitting the ground. I smile and shake my head a little because I don't believe her for a second. I think she saw the force field, not heard it, but somehow she feels she has to lie about it. Well, I know Katniss and she isn't that good a liar.

"You," says Mags, and she pushes Katniss forward. We all follow her, after Finnick makes two walking sticks for me and Mags. I tell him I don't want it, but at the same time I'm grateful for the stick because I feel really weak and I'm still trembling from the shock.

Katniss walks in front of me and throws with some regularity a nut against the force field. So much for hearing it, I think, but I don't comment on it. Because it would make her look bad and she probably has her reasons for lying about it.

The nuts fall back on the ground, all black and cracked. Mags bends down and retrieves a hand full of them and starts eating them, making loud smacking noises.  
Katniss turns around at the sound. "Mags!" she shrieks. "Spit that out. It could be poisonous."  
Mags doesn't react and keeps eating the nuts. Finnick starts laughing at this.  
"I guess we'll find out," he says.

We keep walking, and even though we go really slow I feel my body won't hold up for long. I feel exhausted and everything in me screams for rest and water. It's so hot in here.  
After a while Katniss stops and says, "Let's take a break. I need to get another look from above."

Grateful I sink to the ground while Katniss starts climbing a really high tree. Higher and higher, until she's almost out of sight. It scares me a bit, but I'm also in awe because of her amazing skill.

When she comes down again she shakes her head at us.

"The force field has us trapped in a circle. A dome, really. I don't know how high it goes. There's the Cornucopia, the sea, and then the jungle all around. Very exact. Very symmetrical. And not very large," Katniss rapports to us.  
"Did you see any water?" asks Finnick.  
"Only the saltwater where we started the Games," she says, shaking her head again.  
I frown. "There must be some other source. Or we'll all be dead in a matter of days."  
"Well, the foliage is thick. Maybe there are ponds or springs somewhere," Katniss says. But I hear the doubt in her voice. "At any rate, there's no point in trying to find out what's over the edge of this hill, because the answer is nothing."  
"There must be drinkable water between the force field and the wheel," I insist. Because I can't believe Plutarch Heavensbee would have us all die of dehydration. However unpopular these Games may be in the Capitol. Letting us die like this would probably make him even more unpopular, although the reaping of the victors wasn't his fault.

Searching for water means going back downhill, to see if any ponds can be found in the jungle. We walk and search for a couple of hours. Every minute seems warmer than the last and when it's in the middle of the afternoon I have to admit that I can't move another inch. I'm completely exhausted. Fortunately I'm not the only one, Mags is pretty out of it too.

Finnick insists we move a little closer to the force field before we make camp.

"We can use it as a weapon," he explains, "we can throw our enemies in there." It make sense and it protects our backs as well. So we head up to higher ground, until Katniss's nuts hit the force field again. There I slump down and close my eyes for a little while. The heat, the sun burning behind my eyelids. It is a lot to take.

When I open my eyes again after a few minutes I see Finnick and Mags weaving mats from grass and I decide to help by collecting handfuls of the nuts Mags has been eating. She's still doing fine so apparently they're not poisonous. I throw them against the force field and peel of the shells. While we work in silence Katniss stands guard. She seems restless and her eyes are still red from all the crying.

She moves around nervously until she says, "Finnick, why don't you stand guard and I'll hunt around some more for water."

"No." I say immediately, "I don't want you to go off on your own. What if someone comes after you?"

Finnick and Mags nod but Katniss shakes her head. "We need water," she says."Don't worry, I won't go far."

"I'll go, too," I say, still not willing to let her go alone.  
"No, I'm going to do some hunting if I can," she says. "I won't be long."

I know she doesn't want me to come because I make too much noise. Being quiet was never my forte and I'll only scare off game. So I let her go, reluctantly. As soon as she's out of sight I feel the fear of losing her creeping up on me.  
When the cannon sounds I'm on my feet instantly, thinking it's her.

"Calm down, Peeta," Finnick says, "It's just the death toll from the Cornucopia."

I relax as the cannon keeps firing. It stops after eight times. Eight people dead. Eight people I've come to know over the last couple of days. I sink back to the ground, feeling miserable.

Mags and Finnick keep working on weaving grass mats, with which Finnick creates a sort of tent. Mags sets herself on weaving bowls next and I fill them with the roasted nuts. I start to worry about Katniss again when she finally shows up, carrying a rodent. We all turn to her, to see if she found water but she shakes her head.

"No. No water. It's out there, though. He knew where it was," she says and she holds up the animal. "He'd been drinking recently when I shot him out of a tree, but I couldn't find his source. I swear, I covered every inch of ground in a thirty-yard radius."  
"Can we eat him?" I ask.  
"I don't know for sure. But his meat doesn't look that different from a squirrel's. He ought to be cooked... ." she says."I don't think lighting a fire is such a good idea. Everything is damp here, there will be a lot of smoke."  
"We don't need a fire," I say, "I have an idea."

With my knife I cut a piece of meat from the rodent and skewer it on a stick. I carefully throw it into the force field, and sure enough, when it bounces back it's black, but cooked.  
The others applaud but stop as I frown at them. We're not on some camping trip, roasting meat. We're in the arena. People could hear us. I look up at the three faces in front of me and see a hint of a smile in Finnick's eyes. It somehow feels like we are on a camping trip. On a day out with the four of us. It's weird how fast we've grown into a group of friends, already more than allies. Especially now that Finnick saved my life. Haymitch was right to choose him for our ally.

After we've roasted the entire animal we go inside of the hut to eat. Katniss still refuses the nuts.

"They're fine," Finnick assures her, "Mags recognizes them from another Games."

"I've tried them too," I say, "They're good!"  
The nuts taste great in combination with the rodent too, so we have a nice meal. It doesn't help much for our thirst though.

While Mags and I eat, Finnick decides to interrogate Katniss about the rodent.  
"What kind of animal is it?" he says.

"I don't know," Katniss answers, "I'm not familiar with these woods and not with its animals either."

"What was it doing, then, when you shot it? Where was it? Finnick asks.

"It was sitting in a tree, not doing much," Katniss answers, "just sitting there, that's all."

"Let's call it a tree rat then," I suggest.

"Fine," Finnick says and continues to question Katniss about it. I lose interest and watch the sun set instead. After it's gone a large white moon rises, keeping it from getting really dark. The setting of the sun indicates the time for the anthem, so we all turn towards the entrance of the hut to have a clear view of the sky.

I sit next to Katniss and take her hand in mine. The seal of the Capitol appears in the sky and the anthem starts.  
We all look at the sky and see the male tribute from District Five first. Then Marson, the morphling from Six, the one who helped me paint Katniss in yellow flowers. Then comes both the tributes from Eight and Nine, the woman from Ten and finally Seeder. Seeing her kind face in the sky sends a stab of pain through me. I wish we had waited at the tree line this morning, to see if we could have done something. Maybe add her to our group. And Cecilia too, the woman from Eight. Three little children are motherless now. I remember how I resolved that I wouldn't kill her. Now I don't have to anymore, but I don't feel relief.  
We all sit in silence for what seems a long time when the silver parachute arrives a couple of meters in front of us. No one reacts for a while until Katniss finally says, "Whose is it, do you think?"  
"No telling," says Finnick. "Why don't we let Peeta claim it, since he died today?"

At this I get up and reach for the parachute. After I've untied the cord a small metal object becomes visible. Katniss is watching it over my shoulder.

"What is it?" she asks.

I shake my head because I have no idea. Finnick and Mags take a look as well, but they too have no clue. Everyone takes it in their hands and examines it closely, but nothing comes to our minds.

When Finnick passes it back to me I blow on it to see if that makes a sound. Nothing.

"Let me have it again," Finnick says, and he sticks his pinkie into it, to see if it could be used as a weapon. "This doesn't work," he says finally.  
"Can you fish with it, Mags?" Katniss asks. But Mags shakes her head in denial.

We're all clueless as what this gift is for. I'm thinking how weird it is, to send us something we can't even use. Haymitch must have had something to do with this gift, and he wouldn't sent us anything that would be useless.  
But as to this gift, I have no idea. Maybe it didn't even come from Haymitch, although it would be logical for him to work together with the mentors from District Four when it comes to sending us gifts.

Katniss is rolling the object in her hand, moving it around and finally jams it in the ground.  
"I give up. Maybe if we hook up with Beetee or Wiress they can figure it out." She says and lays down on the grass mat.

I reach out my hand to her and rub her softly between her shoulder blades. I can see the tension in them and will her with my hands to relax a little. She feels very warm under my fingertips and I'm worried about her.  
I keep rubbing her muscles as she keeps staring at the object in front of her when she sits up, startling me with her sudden movement.  
"A spile!" Katniss cries.  
"What?" asks Finnick.

Katniss takes it out of the ground and holds it in her hand.  
"It's a spile. Sort of like a faucet. You put it in a tree and sap comes out." She says, while she examines the trees around us. "Well, the right sort of tree."  
"Sap?" asks Finnick incredulously.

But what Katniss just said makes sense to me. I think about the maple syrup we use in the bakery to sweeten cakes and cookies. My father told me once there was sap inside of the maple trees and if you tap the tree with a spile, the sap comes out.  
"To make syrup," I explain to Finnick.

"But there must be something else inside these trees." I add, because these are not maple trees.  
It must be water.

We realize this all at the same time, because we jump up at once. Finnick takes the spile and walks to the biggest tree in our area and tries to wiggle the spile into the tree.  
"Wait." Katniss stops him. "You might damage it. We need to drill a hole first."

We look around for something to use as a drill but there is nothing. Mags holds out the awl and mumbles something. I take it from her and drive it into the bark. Then I open the hole by wiggling it around and I use my knife as well to deepen it. Finnick takes over after a while and we work on it together until we judge it to be deep enough. Katniss carefully plugs the spile into the tree and we wait.

It seems to last forever, but finally water comes down the spile and it lands in Mags's outstretched hands. She licks it off and nods to us, indicating it's sweet water. Then she holds out her hand under the spile for more. Another drop of water falls down, but the spile is not deep enough.

"We have to adjust it a little more," I say and start working on it again. I finally place it deep enough into the tree trunk and the water comes out in a thin stream. I nudge Katniss forward, making her drink first. Mags hands me a basket and I fill it and pass it around. I'm thinking how amazing this basket it, it's woven so tight that it can hold water without spilling a drop. The tributes from District Four sure are talented when it comes to tying knots and weaving baskets.

We all drink until we can't hold anymore. I splash a handful of water in my face, gratefully cleaning it from the salt sweat. The water is quite warm, but it is so much better than no water at all.

After drinking and cleaning myself as best as I can I sink down at the mount of the hut. I feel weariness taking over me and there is nothing I want to do more than sleep. "Hitting a force field really takes it out of you," I say to Katniss.

"Go to sleep," she says, "I'll watch."

I look at her while she takes the spile from the tree and secure it to her belt with a vine.  
"No, I'll take the first watch," Finnick says. Katniss nods and lies down beside me. I feel her presence, and even though it's warm, I don't mind the feel of her body next to mine. I reach out and take her hand in mine, she holds on to me tight and I think about how grateful I am that I'm still alive. Thanks to Finnick I still have time. Time to spend with Katniss. Katniss, who doesn't want me dead. Who cried like I've never seen her cry after I woke up. Not even after Gale was whipped. Not even then.

I feel her fingers entwined with mine and fall into a deep and peaceful sleep. My dreams are filled with an impossible but good future, with no Games, no Capitol. A place where Katniss and I could be together in safety.

I'm nowhere near well-rested when I'm suddenly roused by Katniss's voice. She's shouting, "wake up, wake up!"

At that moment I smell a sickeningly sweet odor and I know something is very, very wrong. I open my eyes and stare around, trying to get my bearings. While Katniss is still screaming for us to wake and get up, I begin to blister.


	21. Fogs and monkeys

**Chapter 21 – Fog and monkeys**

Tiny, searing stabs on my hand. I can't locate where the pain comes from and I'm bewildered.  
"Run!" Katniss is screaming at us. "Run!"  
I get up on my feet, feeling wobbly and uncoordinated. I stare at my hand where a blister becomes visible. Finnick hauls Mags onto his back and runs away. I still don't understand what is going on when Katniss begins to tug hard at my arm.

"What is it? What is it?" I ask Katniss, as I force myself to move.  
"Some kind of fog. Poisonous gas. Hurry, Peeta!" she urges me on. I look around me and see the fog now and I feel it too. Again these searing stabs. Katniss drags me with her and I try to keep up with her pace. But somehow I can't. The heart attack I had yesterday prevents me from moving as fast as I'd like. I was never any good at moving soundlessly, but now I can't even manage to run fast. It seems that the vines and leafs on the ground tangle me with every step I take. Making me fall down. Katniss is hoisting me back up and keeps pushing me to run faster. I feel the fog closing in on us and I want to go faster, I really do. But it's not working.

Then I feel Katniss's fingers locked into mine and she squeezes me tightly.  
"Watch my feet." She says, "Just try to step where I step."  
I do what she says and keep my eyes focused on her feet. It helps a little, I don't trip as often as I did before, but we're still not going fast enough. The fog keeps stabbing us and it hurts. It is a burning chemical pain I can't really compare to anything I've experienced before. It comes closest to a fire burn, but it's not the same.  
It also reaches through our jumpsuits, attacking our skin beneath it. I can almost feel the jumpsuit searing away.  
I'm still staring at Katniss's feet when I hear Finnick scream. He's a couple of yards ahead of us.  
"Come one," he screams. "Faster, Katniss. Peeta. You guys have to go faster!"

I look up to see how far ahead of us he is. I see him with Mags still on his back. But because I'm not looking my artificial leg trips over a bunch of creepers and I fall flat on my face. Immediately I feel there is something wrong with the left side of it. My cheek and my jaw have lost all feeling. My eyelid is covering my left eye, making it harder for me to see. It's like the whole left side of my face is paralyzed.  
Katniss kneels down beside me, trying to get me back on my feet. "Peeta," she says. She 's tugging at my arm but it feels weird. Like she doesn't have any control over her limbs. This fog is doing more than blistering us. It's doing something to our nerves, making it impossible for us to control our movements. I try to get up, but my legs aren't cooperating. Katniss yanks me forward, my legs resist and I fall face down again. My artificial leg is limp, I try to move my knee to make it go forward, but the muscles seem to be doing the exact opposite of what I want them to do. I feel afraid, because I've lost control. Katniss is still beside me while the fog keeps descending on us. I want her to go, to run, to make sure she's safe. But I know there's no way she'll leave me behind.

When I try to get up for the last time, for her sake, I suddenly feel Finnick's arm around me, dragging me with him. Katniss is on my other side, holding me up with her shoulder. I see her arms are flailing around. Only Finnick seems to be handling the fog fairly well for now. He's moving fast, but I have lost the ability to walk altogether, so he has to drag me over the ground. After a couple of yards he comes to a stop.

"It's no good. I'll have to carry him. Can you take Mags?" he asks Katniss.  
"Yes," I hear her answer. Finnick puts Mags on the ground and lifts me on his back.  
"Hold these," he says and gives me two tridents.  
"Where is the other?" I ask, remembering he had three with him after we left the Cornucopia.  
"Dropped it," he answers and then sets off.  
I try to stay as still as possible, so I won't be a burden to him. Behind us I hear Katniss following us, with Mags on her back.

The fog doesn't hold back, doesn't wait for us to create any distance. Finnick beneath me starts quivering and I lose grip on the trident in my left arm. There is a crash behind us and Finnick turns. We see Katniss has fallen down, but she manages to get up on her feet again, Mags still on her back. It is amazing how she's able to keep going in these circumstances. Mags is not big or heavy, but Katniss is small and the fog keeps coming and is targeting her.

When we hear another crash Finnick goes back. Mags has fallen from Katniss's back now. We're at their side in no time and Finnick is trying to get Katniss to stand up.  
"It's no use," Katniss says, looking up at us. "Can you take them both? Go on ahead, I'll catch up."  
I feel Finnick tense beneath me. "No," he says. "I can't carry them both. My arms aren't working." Finnick turns to Mags and says, "I'm sorry, Mags. I can't do it."  
That's when I see Mags get up from the ground and kiss Finnick on his lips. Then she walks away from us, into the fog. Into that terrible, burning fog. Just like that. We see her body twist and fall down almost instantly. Katniss is staring at her in disbelief, making a gesture as if to follow her. We hear the cannon blast and that is it. Mags has died.

Finnick starts to run again. Katniss, behind us, calls out his name in question. "Finnick?" No doubt she's wondering about what just happened. But now is not the time to stand still and contemplate that. After a second we hear she's following us further downhill, away from the fog.  
Finnick tries to keep up the pace but I feel he's starting to struggle. He already lost control over his arms, but now his legs begin to twist as well. In the mean time I've lost all the feeling in the left side of my body and all my strength goes to keeping Finnick's trident in my right hand. The bow and arrows are on my back and my own knife is tucked in the purple belt. They will be fine, but if Finnick loses his trident, he will be weaponless. Not that we need these weapons, I think with my befuddled mind, because by the looks of it we'll probably die in the upcoming hour.

Just as I reach this conclusion Finnick trips over a couple of vines and falls to the ground. He's not able to get up again and neither am I. We just lie there, me on top of him. I'm vaguely aware of Katniss tripping over us and I feel her body on mine. Finnick moans beneath me, probably because of the extra weight pressing on him. At this sound, Katniss rolls off me and I want to scream for her to stay. I want to have the feel of her body against mine when I die. But I have no control over my voice or any other part of my body. So I lie there, incapacitated, still on top of Finnick. Waiting for my heart to stop again. I remember how it felt yesterday. Just darkness and silence, a great nothingness. It wasn't even that bad. Just before Finnick brought me back to life I remember a great white light. Shining and inviting me in. I wanted to go to that light. Finnick wouldn't let me. But now I will go. And I'll meet Katniss on the other side. I'm suddenly certain of that and dying doesn't seem to be so bad after all.

But I don't die. My heart keeps beating. And I hear Katniss's voice. Croaking and almost unrecognizable.  
"It's stopped."  
It stopped? What stopped? For a second I don't understand what she means but then it dawns on me that she must mean the fog. I turn my head, at the same time with Finnick and we see a white wall in front of us. It's no longer approaching us, instead it seems to be rising upwards and then slowly it disappears.

I'm aware that I'm still on top of Finnick, which can't be comfortable for him. Somehow I manage to roll my body off of him and lie on my back, staring at the night sky, which is almost completely concealed with big branches and leaves from the trees above us. I keep my eyes focused on the leaves that move ever so slightly in the wind. But then my eye catches something else moving through the trees. An animal with orange fur. It is a foreign creature. Not anything like the animals that live in our woods and district. But I recognize it from another Games. It's a monkey. A second one joins it on the branch of the tree, looking down at us. I lift my arm, gesturing towards it and try to speak, to tell the others. But half my mouth is completely limp. "Mon-hees." Is all I can say.

We lay there for another five minutes, but I have a feeling we should move on. And we need to do something about the wounds the fog inflicted upon us. I have no idea what we can do, but I decide to start moving. I turn to my stomach and carefully lift myself on my hands and knees. Yes, I am able to hold myself up. Slowly I start crawling downwards, in the direction of the beach. Somehow I feel that getting away from the jungle and into the open air would help. Katniss and Finnick follow me until we've reached the beach and the water that surrounds the Cornucopia.  
The water comes and goes in small waves and it flows over my blistered hand. My first reaction is to jerk my hand away, but because of that I lose my balance and fall with my face on the sand. The water laps over my face now. The salt of the water is multiplying the pain in my face and my hands.

For a moment I'm not able to move. I just lie there, staring at my hand in the water, blinded by pain. Then I see it, a white substance, like milk, coming out of my wounds and disappearing into the water. And with it the pain in my hand lessens. The same happens to my face and I turn it, so my left side lies in the water. Slowly the feeling returns in my eyelid, my cheek and my jaw. After lying like this for a couple of minutes I get up and start to strip my clothes off. In the corner of my eye I see Katniss doing the same while Finnick lies unconscious on the sand. I carefully place my weapons on a heap and lay my ruined jumpsuit next to it. When I'm in my undergarments and bare feet, I go back to sit at the waterline. The water leaps over my legs, one artificial and one real. I let my arms soak in it as well and finally immerse myself into the water. It helps. I feel I regain control over my limbs. My mouth and eye seem to be working again as well.

Katniss, next to me, seems to have revived enough to help Finnick, who's still lying motionless on the beach. She's scooping hands full of water over his clenched fists. As a result I see white wisps of fog retreat from his body and fly away in the air.  
I get up on my knees and crawl over to Finnick's other side. I retrieve my knife to cut away his jumpsuit so we can pour water over his bare skin. It's not working that well, because more than half of the water leaks through my fingers before I can pour it over him. I sit up to look around and locate two empty shells. One of them I hand to Katniss and together we start soaking Finnick's skin.  
"Let's do his arms first," I say, "they seem to have gotten the worst of it." Katniss nods. It's true, Finnick's arms are more white than skin-coloured, because they're completely covered in blisters. It takes us a long time to clean his arms and Katniss is getting restless. She starts to look around nervously, squinting her eyes in the direction of the Cornucopia. I know she's worried that someone might come to attack us. We are defenceless at this moment, our weapons lie uselessly beside us and we're weakened because of our wounds. On top of that Finnick is moaning, a sound that's reaching out over the waters.

"We've got to get more of him into the water," Katniss whispers.  
Finnick's lying with his face towards the water, so we have to turn him. I nod at his feet and Katniss and I both get up, we each take one foot and we pull him around so that his feet are in the water. We start to slowly drag him further into it. Inch by inch we pull Finnick into the water. Katniss and I are sitting on either side of him. While we work on Finnick, I notice that the water continues to heal me as well. With each minute that passes I feel a little better. The muscles in my face begin to work again. Both Katniss and Finnick also seem to improve. Finnick finally opens his eyes and looks at us. We pull him further into the water and Katniss rests his head on her lap so that his body's fully under. When he lifts his arms I smile at Katniss, glad that we succeeded in reviving him. She smiles back at me, making me feel warm and relieved. We're still alive. And we're still together.  
I turn my attention back to Finnick. "There's just your head left, Finnick. That's the worst part, but you'll feel much better after, if you can bear it," I say.  
I take his hand to help him into a sitting position, Katniss is holding his other hand while he submerges his head in the salt water. After repeating it a couple of times he seems to be doing a little better, even though he's not able to speak yet.

"I'm going to try to tap a tree," Katniss says, taking the spile from her belt, where she secured it with a vine.  
"Let me make the hole first," I say. "You stay with him. You're the healer."  
Katniss furrows her eyebrows but doesn't comment on it. I smile at her and get out of the water. My knife is lying next to Finnick's shredded jumpsuit. I bend over to retrieve it from the ground and notice I am able to walk without difficulty now. I walk a few yards into the jungle in search of a big tree. We don't have the awl anymore, so I have to make a hole with my knife.

The awl. Mags had it, and Mags is dead. It was so weird. What happened there? I'm not sure because I was almost unconscious myself, but I know she died. She died and Finnick saved me. For the second time since these Games started. Why would he do that? I don't have an answer to this question so for now I leave it be.

Making a good hole in the tree is hard work and the hot air makes it even more difficult. In no time I'm out of breath and panting. I'm almost ready with the hole in the tree when I hear Katniss behind me, "Peeta," she says my name in a very calm voice. "I need your help with something."  
"Okay, just a minute. I think I've just about got it," I say while I adjust my knife a little. "Yes, there. Have you got the spile?"  
"I do. But we've found something you'd better take a look at. Only move toward us quietly, so you don't startle it." Katniss says, and the tone in her voice is so strange that I'm alarmed. I turn around and see her and Finnick standing a couple of yards from me. Katniss's bow is loaded with two arrows and Finnick has his trident in his hand. Something is going on, but I don't hear or see any tributes approaching us.

"Okay," I say and I walk carefully towards them, trying to be as quiet as I can. I glance around, to see what could be the reason of Katniss's odd request. I don't see anything so I cast my eyes upwards to look at the trees.

The monkeys I saw before have multiplied and because I've looked up they massively start an attack, jumping towards me. I'm startled and stand frozen for a second. The first one almost lands on me but then it drops dead with Katniss's arrow in his chest. But there are a few dozen more. I snap out of the shock and wield my knife to kill a second one. They move so fast, it's clear that these animals aren't normal, natural monkeys. Katniss has reached the same conclusion as I do as she yells to Finnick, "Mutts!"

They both jump forward and join me in the fight against the monkeys. They are coming at us from every side, snapping at us with large fangs and claws. I see a monkey jump on Katniss's back and take it out with my knife. Everywhere around us the dead animals lay.

"With our backs to one another!" Katniss shouts. We go stand in a triangle and do what she says. In this way the monkeys can't attack us from behind. But there are so many of them and they move so fast, that we can't get a moment of rest. Katniss is shooting, Finnick impales the monkeys on his trident and throws them away while I'm stabbing them with the knife.

Suddenly Katniss shouts behind me, "Peeta! Your arrows!"

I turn and see her sheath of arrows is empty. So I slide mine of my back to pass it to her. But I never get there. Because I see the monkey coming at me. His fangs out, ready to plunge them in my chest. Katniss screams and throws her knife. It flies through the air, but the mutt evades it easily and keeps heading towards me. I can't defend myself because the sheath of arrows is still stuck on my arm.

Katniss can't get to me, though she's screaming my name. But just as the monkey reaches me something suddenly emerges from the trees at my left side. No, not something, someone.

Covered in blood, almost unrecognizable. But I see who it is. Ana, the morphling addict from District Six throws herself in front of me. Her thin arms stretched out as if to embrace the monkey, and it sinks its fangs into her chest.


	22. More allies

**Chapter 22 – More allies**

I drop the sheath and bury my knife into the monkey's back, stabbing it again and again until it finally lets go of Ana. I kick it off of her and look around for more mutts to kill. Katniss has taken the arrows that have fallen on the ground and has reloaded her bow.

Adrenaline from the fight combined with an enormous anger I feel because of Ana make me burst out in a rage.

"Come on, then! Come on!" I shout, while I'm wielding my knife. But the monkeys don't react. In fact it seems they're withdrawing. Katniss is next to me now, staring at Ana.

"Get her," she says. "We'll cover you."

I kneel down beside Ana and carefully hold her in my arms while I walk to the beach. Katniss and Finnick are behind me, their weapons still in their hands, Katniss's bow loaded with one of my arrows. When I've reached the beach I gently lay Ana on the ground and brush the hair away from her forehead. She's breathing hard and I know for sure she won't live for long.

Katniss is beside me now, skilfully cutting away the jumpsuit and the undergarments to assess the damage. There are four wounds made by the fangs of the monkey. They actually don't look that bad but Katniss shakes her head, indicating she's beyond saving. The fangs were long and must have done a lot of internal damage.

I look at Ana's face, looking sickly and red because of the blood. I don't know where it comes from, it's not from the monkey because it was already there. Maybe she used some juice from a red plant or fruit as a camouflage, although that doesn't make much sense to me.

Katniss reaches out and takes her hand, which is trembling heavily, like she's an old woman. The trembling is probably caused by the lack of morphling.

"I'll watch the trees," Finnick says and he walks back to the tree line. I nod and crouch down on Ana's other side, starting to stroke her hair softly while I look in her eyes. She looks bewildered and scared. I feel I have to offer her some peace of mind in the last minutes of her life.

And I know what to say, because I know what she loves, what makes her artist's heart beat faster.  
So I talk to her in a soft voice about things that make her happy, to give her a good final memory before she dies.

"With my paint box at home, I can make every colour imaginable." I say, "Pink. As pale as a baby's skin. Or as deep as rhubarb. Green like spring grass. Blue that shimmers like ice on water."  
Ana fixes her eyes on me, the fear in them diminishes.  
"One time, I spent three days mixing paint until I found the right shade for sunlight on white fur. You see, I kept thinking it was yellow, but it was much more than that. Layers of all sorts of colour. One by one," I explain. Sunlight on white fur, it was the day of the Victory Tour. Katniss was wearing a coat lined with ermine fur when she kissed me in the snow. I worked on that painting for days before I was finally satisfied with it.

Ana's breathing slows down and her head makes a slight motion, it's almost as if she nods at my words. She knows what I'm talking about. Words from one artist to another. Our hearts beat alike, our eyes see the same details. We both know about the colours of our world.

She lifts her hand to her chest and swirls her fingers around in her own blood, covering her entire upper body with the bright red colour.  
"I haven't figured out a rainbow yet." I continue, while I keep stroking her hair. "They come so quickly and leave so soon. I never have enough time to capture them. Just a bit of blue here or purple there. And then they fade away again. Back into the air."

My eyes fill with tears when she reaches for my face, drawing small circles on my cheek with her index finger. Like she's painting me into a flower.  
"Thank you," I whisper. "That looks beautiful."  
My words mesmerize her and she smiles at me, her whole face lighting up at my compliment. She makes a small sound, as if to tell me something, although I don't know what. Then her hand falls back on her chest and she falls still. The cannon fires. She's gone.

I breathe in deeply before I lift her up and carry her into the water. As I return to sit next to Katniss we watch her body float away until the hovercraft comes to take her away. We sit in silence while I stare over the water. Thinking about the unnecessary loss of another life. A life already destroyed because of her first Games. And now lost forever. But at the same time she's safe too. No one can touch her anymore and throw her into an arena filled with horrors. I hope she finally found her peace in death or in whatever lies beyond it.

After a while Finnick comes back with an arm full of arrows, dripping with blood. He drops them on the beach next to Katniss. "Thought you might want these."  
"Thanks," she says. She takes the arrows and gets into the water to clean them. I get up as well and return to the jungle to see if there are any arrows left. The jungle is empty now, even the bodies of the dead monkeys are gone. Katniss enters the jungle, staring at the empty sight of our battle.

"Where did they go?" she asks.  
"We don't know exactly. The vines shifted and they were gone," says Finnick.  
The whole thing is so weird, I have trouble understanding it. First the fog, now the monkeys, disappearing inexplicably. I scratch my cheek absent minded, because it suddenly begins to itch.  
"Don't scratch," Katniss says, "You'll only bring infection."

Katniss always underestimates herself, especially when it comes to her knowledge about healing, wounds and infections.

"Think it's safe to try for the water again?" she asks. She hands me the spile and we go to the tree that I was working on earlier. The hole is deep enough and I wedge in the spile. After we've each drank about a litre of water, we try washing of our itching skin. We head back to the beach after we've filled some shells with water.

I slump down in the sand, feeling utterly exhausted. So much has happened since the gong went off and not even a whole day has passed. My mind is working overtime to try to comprehend the fact that my world has reduced to the size of this small arena. I feel like I'm an insect trapped in a steaming hot glass bowl. And there's no room for breathing, no time to rest. We're always on the run for the terrors of the night. Mags died, Ana died, I nearly died too, everything hurts and my skin itches like crazy. I can't do anything else but lay back in the sand and stare at the pale moon in the sky.  
"Why don't you two get some rest?" Katniss says. "I'll watch for a while."  
"No, Katniss, I'd rather," says Finnick. The pain in his voice is palpable and I turn my head to look at him. The expression in his face tells me enough. _Well, I can't leave Mags behind she's one of the few people who actually likes me. _That's what he said about her, Mags.  
"All right, Finnick, thanks," Katniss says and she comes to lie down next to me. My eyes are already closed and the last thing I feel before I fall asleep are her fingers entwined with mine.

My dreams are filled with images of Marson and Ana. Colours swirl around them and they seem happy. Different than the dream I had a couple of nights before, where they accused me with their eyes. Now they're smiling and throwing coloured powder in the air. The whole thing is mesmerizing.

Someone nudges my shoulder and the next thing I hear is Katniss, singing my name.  
"Peeta. Peeta, wake up."

When my eyes open there are two green monstrous creatures right in front of me. I jump up and scream from the shock. "Aa!"

They both burst out in laughter and that is when I see they're just Katniss and Finnick. With green faces, looking hideous. When I've calmed down from my initial shock I try looking at them with a scornful look, which only makes them laugh harder. I have to try my hardest to suppress a smile myself.

Just when I'm about to tell them to calm down, because they're way too loud, a parachute drops in front of me, carrying a slightly green tinted loaf of bread. A bread from District Four. Finnick removes it from the parachute and examines it closely.

"It's your bread, Finnick," I say, "It's from District Four."

Finnick doesn't react but keeps studying the bread. Katniss sits back in the sand looking at him, puzzled by his actions. But then he says, "this will go well with the shellfish."

That's when I see the bowls. Two are filled with water and the third with shellfish. "You've been working hard." I say to Finnick. He nods, while tearing the bread in pieces.

"But what happened to your faces?" I ask.

Katniss hold up a tube with ointment in answer. "It helps with the itching," she explains and she helps me coat my skin. I take off my undershirt, in this hot weather I don't need it anyway, and Katniss rubs the ointment on my back. The itching immediately begins to fade and I give a deep sigh.

"It looks horrible but it feels good," Katniss says and I laugh.

"Poor Finnick," I say, "how does it make him feel? Something that looks horrible couldn't possibly make him feel good."

At this Finnick looks up and scowls at us.

"Fortunately we're not here for a beauty pageant," he says, "and even if we were, I still would've won."

Katniss and I laugh at his remark. Finnick has finished cleaning the meat from the shellfish and hands it out to us, served on a piece of salty bread.  
After we've finished eating we just sit there at the beach, none of us suggest to move. And why would we go anywhere but here. Although I've slept the most out of the three of us, I still feel tired. It's probably due to what happened with the force field yesterday. But if I'm tired, that must surely mean that Katniss and Finnick are exhausted. After running from the fog and fighting the mutts, losing Mags and Ana. And they've hardly slept. Staying put seems to be the most logical thing to do.

We just sit there, enjoying our moment of peace, when the screaming starts. It comes from far away in the jungle, on the other side of the Cornucopia. We're on our feet, staring as we see a gigantic wave come from the hill, over the trees and hit the water. The water begins to rise rapidly and splashes high over the Cornucopia, covering the entire surrounding beach with water. Our bowls, weapons and ruined jumpsuits float off and we grab them fast, before they're lost to the waves. Except for the jumpsuits, which are chemical-riddled and useless any way, we let them drift off.  
While we're still collecting our things, a cannon fires and the hovercraft collects a body from the jungle on the side where the wave started.  
I'm stashing the bowls and am about to fill one with fresh water again when Katniss suddenly stands still. "There," she says and nods to the right. Both Finnick and I look up and see what she means. Three people stumbling on the beach. We all fall back behind the tree line while we watch them.

They look so weird, all three of them are completely red, from head to toe. One of them is wandering in circles, while the other two seem to be holding on to each other.

"Who is that?" I ask the others quietly. "Or what? Muttations?"  
Katniss loads her bow and Finnick grips his trident in his hand, poised to attack. We see how one of the figures collapses to the ground while the other one is stamping furiously and walks towards the third, who's still circling around.  
Finnick suddenly shouts out, "Johanna!" and runs towards them.  
"Finnick!" The one who was stamping on the ground screams back and I recognize Johanna's voice.

Katniss looks at me questioningly. "What now?" she asks.  
"We can't really leave Finnick," I say.  
"Guess not. Come on, then," she replies and I can hear in her voice she's not happy with this turn of events.

We jog towards them and that is when we recognize the other two tributes as well. They are the tributes from District Three.

"She's got Wiress and Beetee." Katniss says over her shoulder to me.  
"Nuts and Volts?" I ask, this doesn't seem to make sense. Johanna's contempt for the District Three tributes was pretty clear in the training center. "I've got to hear how this happened."

We approach them and hear Johanna telling Finnick her story. "We thought it was rain, you know, because of the lightning, and we were all so thirsty. But when it started coming down, it turned out to be blood. Thick, hot blood. You couldn't see, you couldn't speak without getting a mouthful. We just staggered around, trying to get out of it. That's when Blight hit the force field."  
"I'm sorry, Johanna," says Finnick.  
"Yeah, well, he wasn't much, but he was from home," she says. "And he left me alone with these two. He got a knife in the back at the Cornucopia. And her - "  
Johanna is gesturing towards Wiress, who is still walking around in tiny circles, while she's mumbling, "Tick, tock. Tick, tock."  
"Yeah, we know. Tick, tock. Nuts is in shock," says Johanna impatiently.

Wiress walks towards her and Johanna shoves her onto the beach. "Just stay down, will you?" she snaps at her.

"Lay off her," Katniss yells angrily.  
Johanna looks up at Katniss, a real mad look in her eyes. "Lay off her?" she spits out. Before I can stop her she steps towards Katniss and slaps her in the face. "Who do you think got them out of that bleeding jungle for you? You - "

She seems extremely angry and it's a good thing that Finnick picks her up and throws her over his shoulder to drop her in the water. Because this was uncalled for and it makes me angry. I see Katniss's cheek becomes red, this makes me even more irritated with Johanna. It puzzles me what her problem is, but it's obvious she dislikes Katniss. I couldn't care less how beautiful she is or how hot her breasts look when they're covered in oil, I don't care for her hitting Katniss like that. I don't care for people hitting other people in general. But when it comes to Katniss, I'm even more dismayed. Because it's Katniss. And I don't want anyone hurting her.

Johanna's still in a fit, screaming names at Katniss while Finnick tries to calm her down. Katniss doesn't react, instead she turns to me.  
"What did she mean? She got them for me?" she asks me.  
"I don't know. You did want them originally," I reply, although this doesn't explain anything. Johanna's remark was odd at the best.  
"Yeah, I did. Originally." Katniss says doubtfully. "But I won't have them long unless we do something."

"Let's go back to our camp." I suggest. I kneel down to lift an unconscious Beetee and carry him to our beach. Katniss follows with Wiress and sits her down in the water. I carefully lay Beetee on his stomach, remembering Johanna saying he was stabbed in the back. Wiress keeps muttering, "Tick, Tock." Katniss leaves her in the water and comes to check on Beetee. Just like Wiress he is totally soaked with blood. Katniss tries to get his clothes off to check his wound but they won't come off.

"We should get him into the water," I suggest. I lift Beetee again and hold him in the water while Katniss peels off his jumpsuit and his undergarments.

"Let's put him on his stomach," Katniss says, "So we can check his back and see what the knife did."

We lay him down on one of the mats Finnick made and examine the cut. I have no idea what to do with it but I can see Katniss's mind going over the options.

She gets up on her feet. "Be right back," she says and walks into the jungle to come back after a minute with a couple of hands full of moss and vines. She bandages Beetee's back with it while I try giving him some water from the bowl. Then we pull the mat into the shade of the trees.  
"I think that's all we can do," Katniss says.  
"It's good. You're good with this healing stuff," I say. "It's in your blood."  
"No," Katniss shakes her head. "I got my father's blood." She looks up at Wiress, who's still sitting in the water. "I'm going to see about Wiress."

Katniss goes to help Wiress clean up and I join Beetee in the shade. I hear Wiress still murmuring, "Tick, tock." It's clear that she's pretty upset. Katniss repeats her words, trying to engage Wiress into a conversation. It seems to calm her down.

After Katniss finishes cleaning Wiress she washes out the jumpsuits. To see her work like that I'm reminded by our last Games. How she washed out my clothes at the stream. She's so caring and attentive when others around her are in need. I think it's amazing. This time I'm capable of helping her, but she insists I stand guard.

Johanna and Finnick join us. While Johanna eats the left over bread and shellfish, Finnick tells her what happened to us. At least, he mentions the fog and the monkeys but doesn't tell her how we lost Mags. Johanna looks up to me and Katniss questioningly, clearly missing Mags in his story. She doesn't comment on it though, instead I see her wink at me, which irritates me a bit.  
After she finished most of the shellfish, I say, "why don't you guys get some rest, I'll stand guard for a while."

Johanna refuses and Finnick too, although I can tell he's really tired. Katniss convinces him he needs sleep and he hardly got any last night. "And you too, Peeta," she says to me, "you need rest to recover from that force field."

I give in because she's right, I still feel weak and it's as my heart still hasn't found the right rhythm yet. So I lie down next to Finnick. Beetee's still unconscious and Wiress is fast asleep next to him.

Johanna and Katniss sit at the water line, I look over to check that they're not about to kill each other, but they seem calm, so I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.

"Tick, tock" says Wiress in my dreams. "Tick, tock." I wake up slightly to the actual words. Through my eyelashes I see Wiress crawling away from us in Katniss's direction.

"Tick, tock," she says again.  
"Oh, goody, she's back." I hear Johanna say, "Okay, I'm going to sleep. You and Nuts can guard together,"  
I close my eyes again, thinking how weird this new alliance is. With Johanna who obviously hates Katniss, but seems to like me a little bit too much. With Beetee who is too weak to be of any use. And Wiress in that weird shocked state she's in.

"Tick, tock," I hear her whisper again. What could she possible mean by it? In the distance I hear the sound of lightning hitting a tree.  
Slowly I doze off again, but in my dream the clock keeps ticking. "Tick, tock. This is a clock."


	23. A spinning Cornucopia

**Chapter 23 – A spinning Cornucopia**

A clock. It sure sounds like it. Maybe Wiress has some issues with clocks, I don't know.

My sleep is light and I'm aroused straight away when I feel Katniss's hand on my shoulder. "Get up," she says, "get up – we have to move."

She wakes Finnick and Johanna as well. The latter is especially moody because of it.

"What's going on," Johanna snarls at Katniss. "There's no one here attacking us, why did you wake us up?"

"It's a clock," Katniss says by way of explanation.

"What?" Johanna spits at her.

"Johanna," I say a bit angry, "can you please just hear her out. She wouldn't wake us if there were no good reason."

She shoots me a look but remains quiet. Johanna's attitude is getting on my nerves, especially the way she acts towards Katniss. I don't trust her and I don't understand why she would even want to be in an alliance with us. I decide to not let her guard with Katniss again. Who knows what will happen next time if Finnick and I aren't around to stop them.

We all gather around Katniss who explains her motivation.

"I've found out what Wiress meant with 'Tick, tock.' She says. "It's the arena, it's a clock. See the Cornucopia." She gestures towards the large golden horn in the middle of the water. "It is the middle of the clock. There are twelve spokes, twelve wedges. And each hour there is something happening in one of the wedges. Some invisible hand triggers a deadly force in them. From twelve to one there is lightning. From one to two blood rain, then the fog and the monkeys. And remember, around ten when that terrible wave hit from that wedge?" Katniss points to the wedge where the wave started, right in front of us, at the other side of the Cornucopia.

"This means we're now at the three to four segment," Katniss continues after a moment of silence. "the monkey segment, and next to us is the fog. The blood rain is falling now and the fog can start any minute. I don't know if it'll come out of the jungle or not, but we have to move."

A clock, the arena is a clock. And Wiress knew this. She is truly a genius then. And Katniss too, for figuring it out with just Wiress' "Tick, tock," to work with. I see Finnick nod but Johanna hesitates.

"I'm sorry," she says, "but this all seems a little farfetched to me."

"But if she's right…" Finnick says. "It's better to be safe than sorry."

Johanna has to admit that he has a good point there, so we decide to move away from this side of the beach.

We start collecting our possessions. Katniss's explanation about the clock gave me the idea to draw it out on something. So I go a few yards into the jungle to retrieve a large leaf. I can't use it now though, first we have to move. When I come back, Finnick helps me to get Beetee dressed. In the meantime Katniss wakes Wiress and explains to her that she figured out the arena is a clock. It seems to calm Wiress down too, now that we've finally found out what she was trying to say all this time. I'm thinking she probably knew this for a long time but just wasn't able to communicate it to the others.

At this moment I realize how weird it is that Johanna stayed with her and Beetee. Just because she wanted to be allies with Katniss? It doesn't make sense. She hates Katniss's guts and on top of that, we are in the Games now. The Games where only one person can walk out alive. What good are Wiress and Beetee for Johanna, or for Finnick too, for that matter. I understand why they want Katniss in their alliance, when we face the Careers, she's more valuable than gold with her bow. But Wiress and Beetee, besides being smart, obviously, are only a burden. Maybe Finnick and Johanna think they can kill them off easily after they get rid of us. But that still doesn't explain all the trouble they've gone through to keep them alive until now. And what about Finnick saving me at the force field? Why did he do that, if he needs me to die eventually, why go through all that trouble? This whole thing riddles me. And it's so different from the alliance from last year. Where everyone was a strong fighter and where people were abandoned immediately when they've outlived their use. No one came to Glimmer or Marly's aid. No one cared that Brandon died that first day. How come this year is so different?

Maybe it's because these people all know each other. And care about each other. I think about Finnick's sad face a couple of hours ago, when he requested to watch. Mourning over Mags. How Johanna, who seems heartless, mentioned losing Bright. These people are all victors, which means they're all experienced killers too. Yet, they are reluctant to kill. It feels more like we're in this together. Fighting together against the horrors of the arena, instead of fighting each other. Maybe we could even expand this alliance with other tributes. Not the Careers, obviously, but Chaff, if he's still alive. How would the Gamemakers deal with that, I wonder. Maybe they'll send wolf mutts on us again like they did last year. I shiver at that thought. To end my life like that, I'd prefer a clean death caused by another tribute. But thankfully for now we don't have to deal with that.

We've about finished packing up and I bent down over Beetee to carry him. He's not unconscious anymore, but not able to move on his own either. He looks at me and shakes his head. "Wire."

"She's right here," I say. "Wiress is fine. She's coming, too."  
But Beetee shakes his head again, refusing to cooperate when I try to lift him. "Wire," he repeats.

"Oh, I know what he wants," says Johanna and she takes a cylinder from the sand and shows it to us. It's still covered in blood from the blood rain.

"This worthless thing." She explains, "It's some kind of wire or something. That's how he got cut. Running up to the Cornucopia to get this. I don't know what kind of weapon it's supposed to be. I guess you could pull off a piece and use it as a garrotte or something. But really, can you imagine Beetee garrotting somebody?"  
This is such a weird thing for Johanna to say. Because I can't believe she doesn't know about Beetee's Games.  
"He won his Games with wire. Setting up that electrical trap," I explain to her. "It's the best weapon he could have."  
"Seems like you'd have figured that out," Katniss says and I hear in her voice she doesn't believe Johanna either. "Since you nicknamed him Volts and all."  
"Yeah, that was really stupid of me, wasn't it?" Johanna says to Katniss, her tone condescending. It seems as if she's hinting at something. Like there's a hidden message behind her words. "I guess I must have been distracted by keeping your little friends alive. While you were...what, again? Getting Mags killed off?"  
I look at Katniss, whose cheeks get red of anger. She reaches for the knife on her belt and Johanna sees it too.  
"Go ahead. Try it. I don't care if you are knocked up, I'll rip your throat out," says Johanna.  
I get up and go stand next to Katniss. But before Johanna does anything Finnick intervenes.

"Maybe we all had better be careful where we step," he says, he gives Katniss a warning look. Then he takes the coil from Johanna and gives it to Beetee. "There's your wire, Volts. Watch where you plug it."

The tension is gone. Katniss lets her hand drop from her knife and Johanna turns around. I bent down next to Beetee again and pick him up. This time he doesn't resist.  
"Where to?" I ask the others.  
"I'd like to go to the Cornucopia and watch. Just to make sure we're right about the clock," says Finnick.

We go to the Cornucopia in a straight line. Finnick up front, with the trident ready to attack. Katniss brings up the rear with an armed bow. But there's no one near the Cornucopia. Only a big pile of weapons.

I lay Beetee down in the shade of the horn and call Wiress. She comes over and I give her the blood covered coil. "Clean it, will you?" I ask her. Giving her something to do might help her get over the shock, because even though she's calmed down a bit, she's still not herself. She takes the coil and goes to the water, cleaning it meticulously while she starts singing a funny children's song about a mouse and a clock.

"Oh, not the song again," says Johanna, and she rolls her eyes. "That went on for hours before she started tick-tocking."  
Wiress stands up and points at something in the jungle. "Two."  
"Yes, look, Wiress is right." Katniss says, "It's two o'clock and the fog has started."  
"Like clockwork," I say as I see the fog in the distance. "You were very smart to figure that out, Wiress."  
She gives me a smile and continues on cleaning the wire.

"Oh, she's more than smart," Beetee's voice comes from behind me and I turn around. "She's intuitive. She can sense things before anyone else. Like a canary in one of your coal mines."  
"What's that?" Finnick asks.  
"It's a bird that we take down into the mines to warn us if there's bad air," Katniss answers.  
"What's it do, die?" asks Johanna.  
"It stops singing first. That's when you should get out. But if the air's too bad, it dies, yes. And so do you." Katniss says and then turns away from the conversation, looking unhappy.

Johanna, Katniss and Finnick go over the pile of weapons, taking out arrows, tridents and axes. Because the Gamemakers knew their choice of weapon in front, there are plenty of them still stacked in the Cornucopia. I remember the leaf I brought with me from the jungle, wedged between the belt I have buckled around my waist. It's just now that I remember I forgot my undershirt, so I'm still walking around bare chested. Oh well, who cares. It is freaking hot in here, even this belt is uncomfortable in this weather, but it is useful for stacking my knife in it, so I decide to leave it on.

I take the leaf and lay it on the sand. With the tip of my knife I start drawing the clock on the leaf. First the Cornucopia and then the twelve wedges, the circle of the waterline and the circle of the jungle. Katniss looks over my shoulder at the drawing.

"Look how the Cornucopia's positioned," I say, pointing at it.  
Katniss looks more closely now. "The tail points toward twelve o'clock," she says.  
"Right, so this is the top of our clock," I say and I add the numbers one to twelve in each wedge. "Twelve to one is the lightning zone." I say while writing the word in the twelve to one wedge. I add blood, fog and monkeys in the next wedges.

"And ten to eleven is the wave," Katniss says. I nod and write it in the corresponding wedge. At this point Finnick and Johanna come to look at it as well.  
"Did you notice anything unusual in the others?" Katniss asks Johanna and Beetee.

Beetee shakes his head, and Johanna says, "Just a lot of blood."

"I guess they could hold anything." Katniss gives a sigh.  
"I'm going to mark the ones where we know the Gamemakers' weapon follows us out past the jungle, so we'll stay clear of those," I say and I mark the fog and the wave. I go sit on the ground now. "Well, it's a lot more than we knew this morning, anyway."

We collapse into silence and are almost immediately alarmed. Wiress has stopped singing. I'm on my feet at once, wielding my knife. In the same time Katniss has already loaded an arrow and is taking aim at Gloss, who is responsible for Wiress's silence. She lies dead at his feet when Katniss's arrow hits Gloss in his temple. At that same time Cashmere appears from the left and Johanna throws her axe at her. Enobaria and Brutus come up from the other side. Brutus throws a spear straight at me but Finnick blocks it just in time. With that Enobaria's knife hits him in the thigh. Then both of them jump back behind the Cornucopia.

The cannon fires three times, telling us Wiress, Gloss and Cashmere are gone. The rest of us start chasing Brutus and Enobaria, who've run away towards the jungle. Katniss is ready to let an arrow fly when the earth suddenly begins to move. I lose my balance and fall down as I see that the ground is spinning fast. Sand is flying up, hitting me in my eyes. I close them and bury my hands in the ground to keep from flying off into the water. When the ground finally stops moving I sit up, cough and try to wipe the sand out of my eyes, my nose and my mouth. It feels like it's everywhere. I look around for Katniss and see she's sitting a yard away from me, as are Finnick and Johanna. But Beetee is nowhere to be seen.  
"Where's Volts?" says Johanna. We get up carefully, still dizzy from the spinning and search the area for Beetee.

"There," Finnick says, and points to a body floating about twenty yards away from us. He dives into the water and brings Beetee back.

Then Katniss suddenly tosses away her weapons and says, "Cover me." She runs down a strip of sand and dives into the water. I see she's swimming towards Wiress's dead body and wonder why she would do that. The hovercraft is already circling above the water, ready to pick her up. But as long as Katniss is near the body it won't do anything. She's there now and I see she takes something from the body and swims back. The coil, I remember now, Wiress had it.

Finnick is back at the Cornucopia and I help him lift Beetee from the water. "Katniss is bringing in the wire," I tell Beetee. He nods grateful.

Katniss is back now and gives Beetee the coil, which is clean now. He takes the coil and unravels a bit of the wire, his face grave.

Katniss stands up and walks towards me. She wraps her arms around my waist and lays her head against my chest. I bend down and bury my face in her hair, holding her tight to me. Breathing her in. We just stand there for a while, locked in an embrace. We're the only ones left who haven't lost their district partner, I realize and I look up to see the other three tributes. Beetee's still sitting down, Finnick and Johanna stare into the distance.

After a while, Johanna says, "Let's get off this stinking island."

Finnick, who's bleeding from the wound in his thigh, takes off his shirt and ties it around his leg. We collect our weapons and I turn to Beetee. "Shall I carry you?"

"I think I can walk," he says, he sounds sad. Katniss lifts him by his arm and says, "let's go to the twelve o'clock section. It's supposed to be safe there for hours."

We all agree and I walk in the direction of the tail of the Cornucopia. But Johanna and Finnick both head of in different directions. I come to a halt and turn around.

"Twelve o'clock, right?" I say. "The tail points at twelve."  
"Before they spun us," says Finnick. "I was judging by the sun."  
of course, they spun us. So the tail doesn't say anything. I start walking back to the Cornucopia.  
"The sun only tells you it's going on four, Finnick," Katniss says.  
"I think Katniss's point is, knowing the time doesn't mean you necessarily know where four is on the clock. You might have a general idea of the direction. Unless you consider that they may have shifted the outer ring of jungle as well," says Beetee.  
Katniss nods and says, "Yes, so any one of these paths could lead to twelve o'clock."

We walk around the Cornucopia to see if we can find anything that indicates the time. But the jungle looks the same everywhere we look, it doesn't show us anything. I wish Wiress was still here with us, because I'm sure she would've known where to go.  
But as it is now, we have no idea.

"I should have never mentioned the clock," Katniss says. "Now they've taken that advantage away as well."  
"Only temporarily," says Beetee. "At ten, we'll see the wave again and be back on track."  
"Yes, they can't redesign the whole arena," I add.  
"It doesn't matter," says Johanna and I hear the impatience in her voice. "You had to tell us or we never would have moved our camp in the first place, brainless." She looks at Katniss and then at the rest of us. "Come on, I need water. Anyone have a good gut feeling?"

Finnick is still standing on his strip of sand so we decide to follow him to the beach. We look at the trees, trying to see if anything is happening in there, but we don't see anything.  
"Well, it must be monkey hour. And I don't see any of them in there," I say. "I'm going to try to tap a tree."  
"No, it's my turn," says Finnick.  
"I'll at least watch your back," I reply.  
"Katniss can do that," says Johanna. "We need you to make another map. The other washed away."

With this she tears a leaf from the nearby tree and gives it to me. I nod and take my knife while Katniss and Finnick walk into the jungle. This is better too, I'd rather not have Katniss and Johanna together while Finnick and I are away.

I squat down on the ground and start drawing the clock again on the map while Johanna looks around for any signs of monkeys or tributes.

I look at her from the corner of my eye, wondering what's going on in her mind. How will she play this out? If she wants to win, she has to kill us all and she's small. I don't see how she'll accomplish that. I know I can take her easily. She really puzzles me. But I trust Finnick, at least for now, and it seems clear that Finnick trusts her. I don't know how long this alliance will go on though. When will we start turning on each other? Finnick, I think, is the key person in our group. The one who connected the two groups together. He's going to be the one who makes out when it's time to fight or break up. And clearly now is not that time.

My mind is going in circles, trying to figure out what's going on when I hear the scream. A scream filled with an agonizing fear. It's the sound of a young girl. Chills run down my spine as it dawns on me whose voice it is we're hearing. It's Prim. It's Katniss's little sister.


	24. Kiss on the beach

**Chapter 24 – Kiss on the beach**

Where is she? And where is Katniss? I jump up and run towards the jungle. Both Katniss and Finnick have disappeared, but I hear her voice crying out. "Prim! Prim!"  
Johanna's behind me now, trying to stop me, but I jerk away from her and run forward, only to bounce off of an invisible wall. I fall backwards on the ground hard.  
"What!" I'm yelling while I crawl back up and start pounding on the wall. I don't hear Katniss anymore and the fear is getting the better of me. "Katniss!" I shout, "Katniss!"

There's no answer from the other side of the wall and I see nothing moving. Only trees and vines. I take my knife and slash into it but nothing happens. Not even a little scratch is visible. Johanna stands next to me and throws her axe against the wall with a great force. The result is the same.  
"What's happening?" I turn to Johanna and hear the panic in my own voice. "Where did they go?"  
"I don't know," she answers and looks at me with pity on her face. I start walking along the wall to see if it ends somewhere, but it doesn't. The entire section where Katniss and Finnick are in is closed off. There is no way to get through the wall to get to them. I really start to panic now, because I heard Prim's voice and I can only imagine how upset Katniss must be.  
"I have to get to her," I say and I frantically pound on the wall with my fists and my knife.  
"Peeta, stop it." Johanna says, "It's no use."  
"You shut up," I shout at her in my fear, "You don't care about her, you hate her. You don't care if she's in pain or if she dies. I do, and I have to get to her!"

Beetee gets up from the sand and walks towards me. "We know that," he says quietly, while he puts an arm around my shoulders. "But Johanna is right. There is nothing you can do now." His voice calms me down a bit and I stop pounding the wall. "The whole section is closed off." I say to him.  
"Yes," he says, "but it wasn't closed off earlier. So you know what that means."  
"No, I don't," I say and I shake my head.  
"When the hour is up the wall will disappear again," Beetee says. "It makes sense."  
"But will they still be alive?" I ask him in despair.  
"I believe so," he says, "I heard the voice of a girl screaming. It's probably a jabberjay, they're not deadly."  
"It was her sister," I say softly while I stare through the wall into the jungle.  
"That's what I thought," Beetee says, "It's a jabberjay. This section is not one that kills, just one that tortures."  
"Oh and is that supposed to make me feel better," I say sarcastically. I've never felt so helpless in my life. Here I am, stuck behind a wall while Katniss is being tortured by the screams of her sister. The one person in the world she loves the most.  
"At least she'll still be alive when the hour is up," Johanna says.

Beetee goes back to where he sat on the sand. Johanna and I stay put, our eyes fixed on the jungle. Both my hands pressed against the wall, so I would know instantly when it disappears.  
"There," Johanna says after a couple of minutes and points. I see it too, the rustling of the leaves and a second later both Katniss and Finnick appear between the trees, running towards us. The fear is plain on her face and it clenches my heart. Especially because I know there's nothing I can do until the wall comes down.  
"They don't see the wall." Johanna says, and she's right. They're not slowing down, but running towards us full force.  
"Stop, stop!" I yell but they don't hear me.

Finnick hits the wall face-first, giving himself a nose bleed. Katniss hits it with her shoulder and falls back, an incredulous look on her face.  
They both look so lost and so scared, my heart breaks for them. I press my hand up against the wall and Katniss puts her own hand against it as well.  
"It's going to be fine," I tell her, "It's not real, they're just jabberjays. It's not Prim." Her eyes fix on me like Ana did when she was dying. Dilated with fear while tears run down her cheeks.

"How long?" I ask Johanna and Beetee, "How much longer until the hour is up?"  
"It will be at least forty-five minutes," Beetee says, scattering my hope. Forty-five minutes of this, of not being able to hold her and wipe her tears away. Forty-five minutes of torture for Katniss while I have to stand back and witness. I don't think I can take it. But I stay put, keep my eyes locked on hers and keep talking, even though she can't hear me. I speak soothing words, like I did when she woke from nightmares on the train.  
Johanna, who's still standing next to me suddenly says, "Look, there they come."  
I don't take my eyes of Katniss but I see them in the corner of my eye nonetheless. Little black birds. Flying over their heads. We don't hear a single thing on this side of the wall but I can tell by the expression on Katniss's face that these birds must scream out all kinds of horrors.  
Finnick collapses in on himself in a tight ball on the ground, his hands covering his ears so tight that it must hurt. Katniss turns around and starts shooting the birds, but her sheath of arrows is empty in no time while the birds keep coming. After she shot all her arrows she curls up next to Finnick, copying his position.

With every second that passes I get more and more upset to see her like this. I keep my hands pressed against the wall, but my heart sinks. By now I've lost the hope that the wall will ever disappear. After what seems like an eternity I hear Beetee behind me, "The hour is almost up."  
I nod and try to pull myself together. Katniss needs me to be there for her as soon as the wall comes down.  
When this finally happens I fall forward because I've been pressing so hard. I'm on my knees and next to Katniss immediately. I lift her from the ground and walk with her in my arms back to the beach. She's totally rigid, every muscle taut from the tension.

I sit down on the ground and hold her on my lap, rocking her like she's a little child, repeating over and over again that it's okay, that it's over, that I'm here. That I won't let her out of my sight again for another second. Katniss stays tense and rigid for a long time. I stroke her hair, her arms, wipe away the tears on her face. Finally the tension seems to leave her body and it's then that she starts to tremble.

"It's all right, Katniss," I whisper softly.  
"You didn't hear them," she answers.  
"I heard Prim. Right in the beginning. But it wasn't her," I tell her. "It was a jabberjay."  
"It was her. Somewhere. The jabberjay just recorded it," she says.  
"No, that's what they want you to think. The same way I wondered if Glimmer's eyes were in that mutt last year. But those weren't Glimmer's eyes. And that wasn't Prim's voice. Or if it was, they took it from an interview or something and distorted the sound. Made it say whatever she was saying," I explain, trying to convince her. But she won't be convinced this easily.  
"No, they were torturing her," she says. "She's probably dead."  
"Katniss, Prim isn't dead. How could they kill Prim? We're almost down to the final eight of us. And what happens then?" I ask, trying another angle.

"Seven more of us die," she whispers.  
"No, back home. What happens when they reach the final eight tributes in the Games?" I cup her chin in my hand and force her to meet my eyes. "What happens? At the final eight?"  
The despair in her eyes is clear but she's trying to find an answer to my question.

"At the final eight?" she says. "They interview your family and friends back home."  
"That's right," I say. "They interview your family and friends. And can they do that if they've killed them all?"  
"No?" she asks, and I can hear the doubt still clear in her voice.  
"No. That's how we know Prim's alive." I say firmly. "She'll be the first one they interview, won't she?"  
She looks at me, trying to hold on to my words. Wavering, not knowing if she can believe what I'm saying. So I continue to prove my point.  
"First Prim. Then your mother. Your cousin, Gale. Madge. It was a trick, Katniss." I say, while I brush the hair from her face. "A horrible one. But we're the only ones who can be hurt by it. We're the ones in the Games. Not them."  
"You really believe that?" she asks.  
"I really do," I say.

Katniss turns her head and fixes her eyes on Finnick, who is staring at me.  
"Do you believe it, Finnick?" she asks.  
"It could be true. I don't know," he says. "Could they do that, Beetee? Take someone's regular voice and make it ..."  
"Oh, yes. It's not even that difficult, Finnick. Our children learn a similar technique in school," says Beetee.  
"Of course Peeta's right. The whole country adores Katniss's little sister," Johanna chimes in, and I'm grateful for it. "If they really killed her like this, they'd probably have an uprising on their hands. Don't want that, do they?" She throws her head in her neck and yells out, "Whole country in rebellion? Wouldn't want anything like that!"  
I stare at her in amazement and see Katniss's mouth drop open in shock. An open act of rebellion inside the arena, it is unprecedented but absolutely the most defiant thing I've ever heard someone say in the Games. Johanna looks us all in the eyes, an angry expression on her face. Then she picks up some empty shells.

"I'm getting water," she says.  
She walks past us and Katniss stretches out her hand, trying to stop her. "Don't go in there. The birds - " she says softly.  
"They can't hurt me. I'm not like the rest of you. There's no one left I love," Johanna says. She pulls her hand away from Katniss's grip and walks back the jungle in.

I look down at Katniss who has calmed down a bit, but doesn't move. I wrap my arms a little tighter around her, thinking how I never ever want to let her go again. Johanna comes back with the water and Katniss's arrows. It's not until this moment that I remember Finnick. I look at him now, he's walking towards the water, his shoulders hunched.

"Who did they use against Finnick?" I ask Katniss.  
"Somebody named Annie," she answers.

"Must be Annie Cresta," I say.  
"Who?" Katniss asks.  
"Annie Cresta. She was the girl Mags volunteered for. She won about five years ago," I tell her.

Katniss stares at the pink sky above us and then gives her head a slight shake.  
"I don't remember those Games much," she says. "Was that the earthquake year?"

Five years ago, it must have been the year Katniss's father died, the year I tossed her the bread. It doesn't surprise me that she doesn't remember. There must have been a lot on her mind in that year. Learning how to hunt, feeding her family. No time to watch the Games.  
"Yeah. Annie's the one who went mad when her district partner got beheaded. Ran off by herself and hid. But an earthquake broke a dam and most of the arena got flooded. She won because she was the best swimmer," I say.  
"Did she get better after?" Katniss asks. "I mean, her mind?"  
"I don't know. I don't remember ever seeing her at the Games again. But she didn't look too stable during the reaping this year," I say, thinking about Annie Cresta and how Mags volunteered for her. Now that we know Finnick loves her, it makes Mags's sacrifice even greater.

I caress Katniss's arm absentmindedly and we stay quiet for a while.

Unexpectedly a cannon blasts and we jump up. Johanna comes back from the woods and Finnick joins us as well. We see a hovercraft appear, two spokes on our left. It has to reach down five times to retrieve just one body. There must be something quite terrible waiting in the woods in that section. This reminds me of the map I was drawing before the jabberjays came. I turn back to the leaf Johanna plucked for me and draw a new map. We know where we are now, sitting on the beach in the four-to-five o'clock section. In the six-to-seven o'clock section I write _beast_, which seems appropriate, although we don't know for sure what it is.

In the meantime Finnick has weaved a net for fishing and starts catching fish. Katniss and I look at him working and we go to the water. While she's taking a swim I try to catch a few as well with another net. It's much harder than it looks. Fortunately Finnick is good at his job, so within the hour we have enough fish to feed all five of us. The sun sets while we clean the fish. When that's done and we're about to start dinner we hear the sound of the anthem. We all lift our eyes to the sky where we see the faces of the dead tributes from today.

There are eight of them. Cashmere and Gloss appear first. Then Wiress, Mags, the woman from District Five. Then Ana, a nice clean picture of a woman who must have been pretty before she sought her sustenance in morphling. The pain of her death hits me again while I look at the picture in the sky. I silently whisper goodbye when her face fades into oblivion. And then finally, the last face is the man from Ten.

We sit in silence for a little while, overwhelmed by the loss of these people.  
"They're really burning through us," says Johanna.  
"Who's left? Besides us five and District Two?" asks Finnick.  
"Chaff," I say immediately and I think about the large man who was Haymitch's friend and made bad jokes at his own expense. I'm glad he's still alive, even though that is a ridiculous thought in itself. Because what good is it to Katniss that he's still alive? No, it would be better if he were dead, if we were all dead. And that she could go home. I look at her now, her eyes still fixed on the sky.

But she won't let me die, I think. She would do anything to prevent that from happening, including dying herself. I don't exactly know why she wants to keep me alive so badly, but this thought reminds me of the locket and how I have to talk to her. Convince her that this is a bad idea. That she should live, not me.

While I'm lost in these thoughts a parachute lands right in front of me. It carries a small basket and in the basket there's a pile of square-shaped rolls. I take one out and examine it.

"These are from your district, right, Beetee?" I ask, recognizing the District Three bread.  
"Yes, from District Three," he says. "How many are there?"  
Finnick takes the basket from me and counts the bread, turning them in his hand and looking at them more intently than necessary.  
"Twenty-four," he says.  
"An even two dozen, then?" says Beetee.  
"Twenty-four on the nose," says Finnick. "How should we divide them?"  
"Let's each have three, and whoever is still alive at breakfast can take a vote on the rest," says Johanna.

Katniss laughs at this a little, which makes me feel relieved. If she can laugh again she must feel a little better too.

After dinner we wait for the wave to pass and then head to that beach to stay there for the night. Here we should be safe for the next twelve hours to come. At least, safe from the terrible horrors of the jungle. We still need to watch out for the Careers. It's just them, Chaff, and the five of us. I have a feeling these Games won't last much longer.

In the jungle in the wedge next to us we hear a weird clicking sound. Beetee says it's probably caused by some sort of insect. I add this on the map.

"Okay," Finnick says, "Who's taking the first watch?"

I exchange a look with Katniss, telling her with my eyes I want to talk to her.

"Peeta and I will," Katniss says. "We're better rested than the rest of you."

I see Johanna narrow her eyes at us, probably scared we'll gut her in her sleep. But she practically hasn't slept since the Games started so she has to finally give in.

"It will be fine," Finnick says to her, "get some rest."

Reluctantly she lies down, but she's asleep the next second. Beetee and Finnick are also asleep within the minute, which gives Katniss and me the privacy we want, although it is only relative privacy. All the cameras are still on us. But I don't care about those cameras, some things just need to be said, no matter who's listening.

"I'll watch the jungle," I say to Katniss, "you can look over the water, okay?"

She nods and we sit next to each other on the beach. Her shoulder and hip pressed against me. I'm thinking about how to start my argument. It's a bit difficult to think, because the insects in the next wedge are annoying me with their clicking. After a couple of minutes I feel Katniss rest her head on my shoulder. I lift up my hand and stroke her hair softly. This is as good a time as any to start talking, I think, so I take a deep breath and say in a low voice, "Katniss, it's no use pretending we don't know what the other one is trying to do."

I feel her head shift a little but she doesn't react.  
"I don't know what kind of deal you think you've made with Haymitch, but you should know he made me promises as well." I say. "So I think we can assume he was lying to one of us."  
Now she moves her head from my shoulder and shifts her body so she can look me in the eyes. "Why are you saying this now?" she asks.  
"Because I don't want you forgetting how different our circumstances are. If you die, and I live, there's no life for me at all back in District Twelve." I say. "You're my whole life, I would never be happy again."

She looks upset now and starts to talk, but I'm not done yet, so I put my finger on her lips and shake my head.

"It's different for you." I say softly, "I'm not saying it wouldn't be hard. But there are other people who'd make your life worth living."

I sit up and take the chain with the locket from my neck and hold it out in the moonlight. Katniss looks at me questioningly and then at the locket. I slide over the catch and it opens, showing us the pictures of Prim and Mrs. Everdeen on the right side and Gale on the left.  
Katniss inhales a sharp breath at the sight of her loved ones and I see her eyes fill with tears. I reach out for her and caress her face.  
"Your family needs you, Katniss," I say.

Katniss stares at the photo's in my hand and I know she knows what I'm trying to say. I want her to live, to live a happy life with her mother and her sister. And Gale too. She could marry him, maybe have his children. She would be a great mother, I'm sure. She's so loving towards her sister.  
I smile a little at the idea of Katniss being a mother. There will be hard times to come, but I can die peacefully if I know this future lies ahead of her. That she can be happy again someday. We're not the same. No one relies on me the way Prim and Mrs. Everdeen rely on her.

"No one really needs me," I say and I smile at her.

She looks up from the locket and stares in my eyes. The expression in her eyes changes, they start to glow with a soft silver light. I've seen her look at me like that before. This special look, only saved for me. Telling me that she cares. That there's more between us than just the act before the cameras.

A tear rolls over her cheek now and I wipe it away.

And then she says the words I never expected her to say.

"I do. I need you."

I'm caught off guard. Because the words, they have a ring of truth in them. She means it and it's upsetting me. She's supposed to leave me behind, not love me back. I'm about to say so when she suddenly leans forward and presses her lips against mine.

It feels like an electric bolt shoots through me. The warmth of her lips make me tremble. But I need to say it to her, need to tell her that she has to live. So I try to break away from her. But when she feels this she wraps her arms around my neck and presses her lips harder against mine, preventing me to speak. For a moment I savour the feel of her lips against mine. She parts them slightly and gently sucks on my lower lip, making me shiver while a warm feeling rushes through my body.

But this is no good. No good at all. She just told me she needed me and I have to say to her that even if it's true, it doesn't solve anything. Because we can't both live. We can't repeat what we did last year. One of us has to die, no matter how much the other needs them. And I need for her to live. So I break away from her again and stare into her eyes, who are still shining. "Katniss," I whisper against her lips.

"No" she simply says with a shake of her head and her lips crash against mine with more urgency now. She parts my lips with hers and I feel her tongue entering my mouth. She strokes it against my teeth, exploring my mouth, dancing with her tongue against mine and with this I forget this nightmarish world and all the horror in it.

Instead of telling her to live I pull her on my lap and wrap my arms around her. She shifts her own arms to my bare back, stroking me, which sends shivers down my spine. There's a spiral of warmth which begins in my lower abdomen and spreads out to my limbs, filling my entire body with a heat like I'm burning. This girl, she sets me on fire. My hands slide under her undershirt and caress her back. She presses herself closer to me and all I feel and all I see is her. She's everywhere. Our mouths keep moving against each other, in a long searching lingering kiss that deepens with every second. Everything inside of me wants to pick her up and take her away with me. To a place where we can be alone together, to drown ourselves in each other like we do now. Katniss's one hand moves from my back to my hair and she's curling her fingers in it. Her mouth leaves mine and she kisses my jaw, my neck, my earlobe. I bury my face in her neck and let the feelings rush over me. I feel her hand on my cheek, she lifts my face, returning my lips to hers and we kiss again. More intensely than before. I drink her in, everything about her. The curve of her breasts pressed against my chest, her legs wrapped around my waist, her soft lips against mine. _Katniss, my love, my world. You are everything to me._

The lightning hits the tree at midnight. The sudden sound of it breaks our lips apart. I lift my head and stare at the tree. For a moment I have to think hard to remember where we are. On our left I hear a sharp cry coming from Finnick, who sits up, digs his hands in the sand and looks around in bewilderment.  
"I can't sleep anymore," he says. "One of you should rest."

Katniss and I are still lost in our own world so we stare at him uncomprehendingly, still locked in our embrace. He raises his eyebrows as he takes us in. "Or both of you. I can watch alone."  
I'm suddenly aware of what we've done and how dangerous it was. How long were we kissing? It must have been half an hour at least. If the Careers were here to see it they could've killed us all.

And now Finnick wants to watch alone, that can't happen.

"No, you can't watch alone, it's too dangerous," I say to him. "I'm not tired. You lie down, Katniss."

Katniss nods and we get up. My legs ache from the position they were in for such a long time. I take Katniss by her hand and bring her to where the others sleep.

She lies down on a woven mat and I kneel down beside her, taking the chain with the locket and put it around her neck. My hand slides down from there to her abdomen and I caress her softly.

"You're going to make a great mother, you know," I say. I bend down and kiss her lips again, short but very tender. I caress her cheek and smile at her one last time before I go back to join Finnick.

I sit beside him in the sand and stare over the water. Thinking about what just happened. Us kissing maybe isn't anything new, but this was different. We lost ourselves in each other. And it wasn't just me. Even more than that, she said she needs me. There is a magnitude in these three words. I don't know how, but I know it is real. She was speaking the truth.

What am I supposed to do with it though, because the truth is that we're still in these Games. And one of us has to die. We are star-crossed lovers, I think, we're not meant to be, we never were. A tear slides down my cheek and I wipe it away furiously. _Don't think about what could have been_, I tell myself, _this will only leave you heartbroken and weak._

So I harden myself and start to think about finding a way for Katniss to live, so she can return to our home, to live in a place where she could be safe. 


	25. Beetee's plan

**Chapter 25**** – ****Beetee's Plan**

****When I look to my left I see Finnick staring at me.  
"What?" I ask him.  
"I don't know much," he says, "but I know she loves you."  
I stare at him incredulously. For all he knows we're married and she's expecting my baby. Why does he say this? It must mean he doesn't believe the marriage story. Like Snow didn't believe our love story. Was Katniss that obvious in her act of being in love with me last year? I wonder how I could have been so blind. It makes me doubt my own conclusion I've drawn just now. She said she needed me and that was real. But last year I thought it was real too. Even so, last year Finnick apparently wasn't convinced and he is now. And I am convinced too, at least, I think I am. Not that it matters much now. I probably won't even live to see the end of this day.

After a couple of hours I feel I'm getting tired, so I wake Beetee to guard with Finnick. He's feeling a lot better. The moss bandage has closed his wound and he is strong enough to guard. I lie next to Katniss to sleep for a couple of hours. My face is turned towards her so I look at her. Remembering the kiss we shared sends shivers down my spine again. We've never shared a kiss this intense before. Talk about practically ripping our clothes off, it almost came to that. When I finally fall asleep we kiss again in my dreams and I feel real happiness when I wake up. It is such a weird and out of place feeling in this arena, that I'm a little confused at first as to where I am. Katniss is still sleeping beside me, but the others are already awake. I bow towards Katniss and give her a kiss on her temple. Then I get up and join the others at the water line.

There are a few bowls of fresh water, I take one and drink half of it. The other half I use to wash my face a bit. Finnick looks at me with a furrowed brow.  
"Don't worry," I say, I'll refill it. Where's the spile?"  
Finnick hands me the spile and I go into the jungle to tap a tree. When I come back I notice Beetee is again fiddling around with the wire.  
"What are you planning to do with it?" I ask him as I go sit beside him on the sand. He looks at me over his glasses but doesn't reply.  
Not long after that, a parachute arrives, which again holds twenty-four rolls of bread from District Three. At this point Katniss awakes and joins us for breakfast.  
"Let's each take five," Finnick suggests after he counted the number of rolls twice. It is weird how obsessed he is with the bread.  
But we agree with him and divide the bread. There are eight of them left now, a number that can't be divided between five people. No one says anything about it. Instead we start our breakfast in silence.

Katniss is sitting next to me, eating her rolls and staring to the ground, lost in though. I try to catch her eye, but she seems to avoid my gaze for some reason. Just when I'm about to think she's going to freeze me out again, she takes my hand and pulls me up. Together we walk towards the water.  
"Come on. I'll teach you how to swim," She says and she smiles at me.

We wade into the water until it comes up to our waist. Katniss shows me to hold my hands stretched out in front of me. The palms pressed to each other. Then I have to move my arms back to my side. She takes my arms and helps me make the motion. Somehow every touch gives me shivers again, which is odd, because Katniss touching me isn't anything new. I like it so much though, this little time we have together, even though I don't care about learning how to swim.

After she's demonstrated it a couple of times and helped me make the motion, I finally get the hang of it and start to swim a bit. I notice the belt is helping me stay afloat too, making it much easier.  
"Where did you learn how to swim?" I ask Katniss.  
"My father taught me," she says, "in a lake in the woods."  
I nod, thinking of Katniss with her father in the woods. It's such a nice picture. I swim a couple of strokes while Katniss is busy rubbing sand on her arms .  
"Peeta, come here," she says, "I've found a way to get rid of the scabs."  
I swim towards her, wrapping my arms around her waist, which makes my head bump into her chest. She shakes her head and laughs. "You still have a lot to learn."I smirk at her a little at that.  
"I know," I say, while I go stand in front of her. "Guess I'm not a real good swimmer. It's hard to make the motion with my legs, the artificial one isn't really cooperating."  
"Never mind." Katniss tells me, "Here, this helps with the itching. Scrub the sand over your arms."  
I follow her example and take a handful of sand to scrub it over my body. It helps, the scarred skin peels off, and underneath new unscathed skin becomes visible.

I look at Katniss and smile. "It works!" I exclaim. She doesn't smile back though, instead her face shows a very serious expression.  
"Look, the pool is down to eight." She whispers, in an urgent voice. "I think it's time we took off."  
I nod and ponder on her words. It's stupid maybe, but I haven't really thought about that yet. Leaving the alliance. Katniss has a point though, because at what point will we start turning on each other? And where will Katniss and I stand in that fight? The idea of fighting against Finnick, Johanna and Beetee seems so weird, though. I can't imagine they would even want to fight with us. But I can almost hear Haymitch's voice in my ears, _It's not about your imagination, it's about staying alive._ And he's right. Who can say what will happen? Maybe breaking the alliance is the best thing to do. But then there are still the Careers...

"Tell you what," I say. "Let's stick around until Brutus and Enobaria are dead. I think Beetee's trying to put together some kind of trap for them now. Then, I promise, we'll go."  
Maybe then we'll already be too late, but I think it's better not to have two parties chasing us down. It will make it too hard for us. Katniss is a great fighter with the bow and arrow. But when it comes down to hand to hand combat, she'll probably lose to everyone in this field, because she's small. But she's strong too, I tell myself. She'll probably stand a good chance against Enobaria or Johanna. But Brutus and Finnick, and then there's Chaff too. I think I'll have to take on those three.  
I really don't like the direction my mind is going. I really don't want to kill Finnick. And Brutus either, to be honest. But Finnick, he saved my life repeatedly and here I am, planning his death. I know I have to do this if I want Katniss to live, and that is something I want with all my heart, but I absolutely hate what these Games force me into doing.  
"All right," Katniss says. "We'll stay until the Careers are dead. But that's the end of it." I nod, because it's as good a plan as any.  
Katniss turns and starts waving towards the beach, where the others are sitting. Johanna's asleep and Beetee's still working on his wire. Katniss calls out to Finnick, "Hey, Finnick, come on in! We figured out how to make you pretty again!"

Finnick joins us and we walk to more shallow water where we can sit and work on our legs as well. Katniss starts scrubbing my back with the sand and all it does is reminding me of her hands on my back yesterday. I wonder if she feels the same, but here in the water, next to Finnick, we don't say anything. In return I scrub hers and relish in her beautiful new soft pink skin.  
"It's the same colour as the sky," Katniss points out and I smile at her.  
When we're done we walk back to our beach and Katniss suggests to put on the salve as a protection for the hot sun. It means rubbing each other's backs again, so I don't object, even though the stuff gives our skin an ugly green colour.

When we're done Beetee calls us over, "Can you guys come here, I have a plan."  
We all join in front of him and he starts to explain his idea.  
"I think we'll all agree our next job is to kill Brutus and Enobaria," he says mildly. "I doubt they'll attack us openly again, now that they're so outnumbered. We could track them down, I suppose, but it's dangerous, exhausting work."  
"Do you think they've figured out about the clock?" Katniss asks.  
"If they haven't, they'll figure it out soon enough. Perhaps not as specifically as we have. But they must know that at least some of the zones are wired for attacks and that they're reoccurring in a circular fashion," says Beetee, as he looks around the group. "Also, the fact that our last fight was cut off by Gamemaker intervention will not have gone unnoticed by them. We know it was an attempt to disorient us, but they must be asking themselves why it was done, and this, too, may lead them to the realization that the arena's a clock," he continues. "So I think our best bet will be setting our own trap."  
"Wait, let me get Johanna up," says Finnick. "She'll be rabid if she thinks she missed something this important."  
"Or not," Katniss mutters. It makes me smile but I'm also a bit concerned about Katniss's relationship with Johanna. It's only a matter of time until one lashes out at the other, so I have to be aware and ready to jump in between to prevent Johanna from killing Katniss. I do believe Katniss can take her, but Johanna can be fast and in her own Games she was such a vicious and deceptive killer.

Finnick rouses Johanna and she joins us on the sand. Beetee tells us to sit back a bit, so he can use the sand in front of us to draw out his plan. With a stick he draws the arena and in it the twelve wedges.  
"If you were Brutus and Enobaria, knowing what you do now about the jungle, where would you feel safest?" Beetee asks.  
"Where we are now. On the beach, It's the safest place." I say, it seems pretty obvious to me.  
"So why aren't they on the beach?" says Beetee.  
"Because we're here," says Johanna, irritation audible in her voice.  
"Exactly. We're here, claiming the beach. Now where would you go?" says Beetee.  
"I'd hide just at the edge of the jungle. So I could escape if an attack came. And so I could spy on us." Katniss replies.  
"Also to eat," Finnick says. "The jungle's full of strange creatures and plants. But by watching us, I'd know the seafood's safe."  
Beetee gives us a smile and he reminds me suddenly of my father. He'd smile at me like that after he taught me how to bake something or how to put icing on a muffin.  
"Yes, good. You do see." Beetee says,. "Now here's what I propose: a twelve o'clock strike. What happens exactly at noon and at midnight?"  
"The lightning bolt hits the tree," Katniss say instantaneously.  
"Yes. So what I'm suggesting is that after the bolt hits at noon, but before it hits at midnight, we run my wire from that tree all the way down into the saltwater, which is, of course, highly conductive," says Beetee. "When the bolt strikes, the electricity will travel down the wire and into not only the water but also the surrounding beach, which will still be damp from the ten o'clock wave. Anyone in contact with those surfaces at that moment will be electrocuted."

We all stay silent for a long time, thinking about what Beetee just suggested. Electrocuting the Careers, like he did in his own Games. I don't think for a second he can't do it, but this plan, it sounds a bit shaky. To run that thin wire all the way from the tree to the water? Will that even work?  
"Will that wire really be able to conduct that much power, Beetee?" I ask, doubtfully. "It looks so fragile, like it would just burn up."  
"Oh, it will. But not until the current has passed through it. It will act something like a fuse, in fact. Except the electricity will travel along it," says Beetee.  
"How do you know?" asks Johanna, who doesn't seem convinced either.  
"Because I invented it," says Beetee. "It's not actually wire in the usual sense. Nor is the lightning natural lightning nor the tree a real tree. You know trees better than any of us, Johanna. It would be destroyed by now, wouldn't it?"  
"Yes," she says moodily.  
"Don't worry about the wire - it will do just what I say," Beetee says in a reassuring tone.  
"And where will we be when this happens?" asks Finnick.  
"Far enough up in the jungle to be safe," Beetee replies.  
"The Careers will be safe, too, then, unless they're in the vicinity of the water," Katniss joins in.  
"That's right," says Beetee.  
"But all the seafood will be cooked," I point out.  
"Probably more than cooked," says Beetee. "We will most likely be eliminating that as a food source for good. But you found other edible things in the jungle, right, Katniss?"  
"Yes. Nuts and rats," Katniss answers. "And we have sponsors."  
"Well, then. I don't see that as a problem," says Beetee. "But as we are allies and this will require all our efforts, the decision of whether or not to attempt it is up to you four."

We are all silent again. I look at the others, who don't have any objections left. They look a bit confused, but what else can we say to question Beetee's plan?  
"Why not?" Katniss finally says. "If it fails, there's no harm done. If it works, there's a decent chance we'll kill them. And even if we don't and just kill the seafood, Brutus and Enobaria lose it as a food source, too."  
She has a point, and if she's in for it, then so am I.  
"I say we try it," I say. "Katniss is right."  
Finnick and Johanna share a look. And then Johanna says, "All right, it's better than hunting them down in the jungle, anyway. And I doubt they'll figure out our plan, since we can barely understand it ourselves."

She's right about that, I think, and that's also why this whole thing is bothering me. We don't understand this plan at all, and who's to say that Beetee can be trusted? Maybe this electrocution is his way to kill all of us too. He knows he doesn't stand a chance against us when it comes to physical battle. He reminds me of the tribute from District Three from last year. How his idea of the mines gave his life a couple more days. But as soon as he outlived his use Cato killed him. Beetee must know this and he's so smart. I decide to be extra careful from now on and observe him closely. There's nothing else I can do for now. We agreed to his plan.

"I want to inspect the tree," Beetee says, "maybe we can go there?"  
"We have to leave this camp anyway," Katniss says, "It's about nine and the wave will start soon."  
So we head into the jungle in the twelve-to-one wedge. Finnick and I carry Beetee, who still can't walk, even though he's recovered enough to come up with a crazy plan.  
Johanna leads the way and Katniss has our backs, with a loaded bow, ready to shoot anyone or anything that approaches us.

It's even warmer in the jungle than on the beach. The dense greenery is keeping the air hot and steamy. Again I feel like an insect trapped inside a bowl. Carrying Beetee doesn't help much either. By the time we've neared the tree I'm practically panting.  
Finnick stops us and says, "Katniss, you should take the lead from here." He takes Beetee from me and says to him and Johanna. "Katniss can hear the force field."  
"Hear it?" asks Beetee, incredulously.  
I'm instantly reminded by how Katniss told me that Beetee and Wiress showed her the force field in the Training Center. He doesn't believe her story for a second. Which also tells him Katniss has been lying to Finnick. I don't particularly like that he knows that now, because it says something about the amount of trust we have in one another. And Beetee knows now that it's not much.  
"Only with the ear the Capitol reconstructed," Katniss says.  
"Then by all means, let Katniss go first," Beetee says, not questioning her statement about hearing the force field. "Force fields are nothing to play around with," he adds.

By now we've approached the lightning tree. "Wait here" Katniss says and she goes ahead, to check out where the force field is. I see she's throwing a nut towards it and then turns around to come back to us.  
"Just stay below the lightning tree," she says.  
"Okay," Finnick says, "let's divide up some duties. I'll guard. Katniss, you can hunt, maybe?"  
Katniss nods. I don't like the idea of her going off on her own, but the only one who could go with her is Johanna maybe, and that seems like an even worse idea to me.  
"I'll go tap a tree," Johanna says. Katniss hands her the spile and goes off. I decide to gather nuts while Beetee examines the tree.  
After I've gathered a whole bunch of nuts I sit in front of the force field to start roasting them. Katniss comes back rather quickly with three rats. She sits beside me and together we roast the nuts and the rats.

After a while the others join us. Beetee holds a piece of bark from the lightning tree and throws it into the force field. It bounces back and lands on the ground in front of us. It's blackened, like everything we throw into the force field, but after a few moments it regains its former colour.  
"Well, that explains a lot," Beetee says. Katniss and I exchange a look and I see she's biting her lip, trying not to laugh. It makes me chuckle, because I know what she's thinking. It doesn't explain a thing to us. At least, maybe it says something about the nature of the lightning tree, because the bark returned to it's original colour. It tells me the tree doesn't burn up. But I still don't know what it means to Beetee.

On our left the clicking sound starts again. Eleven o'clock. The sound is menacing and makes me feel uncomfortable.  
"It's not mechanical," Beetee says.  
"I'd guess insects," Katniss says. "Maybe beetles."  
"Something with pincers," adds Finnick.  
The sound is getting louder, increasing my feeling of unease.  
"It gives me the shivers," I say.  
"We should get out of here, anyway," says Johanna. "There's less than an hour before the lightning starts."  
"Where to?" Asks Finnick.  
"Let's go to the tree in the next section," Beetee suggests, "I want Katniss to take a look when the lightning hits."

We pack up the food and head to the tree in the blood-rain wedge. We still hear the clicking of the insects from here, but they're not that loud anymore, thankfully. We gather around the tree and eat the nuts and the cubes of seared rat. When it's almost noon, Katniss climbs the tree to watch the lightning.  
After she comes down and reports to Beetee what she saw, we head back to the beach. Beetee keeps working on his wire while the rest of us take naps and just hang around a bit. Finnick teaches us how to catch fish and gather shellfish. He teaches us how to dive for oysters as well. It reminds me of what Portia told me about diving in District Four. How far away and insignificant is that world outside of the arena. It's so weird that it seems to stop existing once the gong goes off. I almost forget that there are people out there, watching us.

We gather a lot of seafood and start cleaning it, while Johanna keeps watch. When I pry open an oyster I see something glistening. I laugh when I recognize the smooth, iridescent pearl inside of the oyster. It reminds me of Katniss's wedding dress and Effie's comment about us being pearls.  
"Hey, look at this!" I say, as I hold it up for the others to see. They stop their work and look at me. I turn to Finnick and say in a serious tone. "You know, if you put enough pressure on coal it turns to pearls."  
"No, it doesn't," Finnick immediately waves away my comment.  
But Katniss bursts out laughing and I know she remembers it too, Effie Trinket's clueless remark. How she said that Katniss and I are like coal pressured into pearls. Beauty that arose out of pain. I look at her and smile while I rinse off the pearl. "For you," I tell her and give her the pearl. She takes it from me and examines it. For a moment it looks like she's weighing out her options, then she closes her hand tight around it and looks up to me.  
"Thanks," she says, but I feel the joy seeping out of me when I see the look in her eyes. The determination in them clear as glass and I know instantly that the locket didn't work. That she's still set on giving her life for me. She doesn't want a life without me as much as I don't want a life without her. Maybe I should be glad that she does love me back, that there is more between us than I ever thought was possible. But I'm not, because what's the use, it's too late now. One of us has to die and she still intends for it to be her.  
"The locket didn't work, did it?" I say softly, ignoring the fact that Finnick sits right next to us. He looks up from cleaning the fish and stares at us. Katniss remains silent. "Katniss?" I ask.  
"It worked," she says, but it doesn't convince me.  
"But not the way I wanted it to," I say and I look away, not able to handle those silver grey eyes. I focus on the oysters, as I'm trying to think my way out of this. I don't know what she'll do but if we end up with the two of us again at the end of this, we're going to have a big problem.

After we've finished cleaning the fish another parachute descends, giving us another batch of District Three rolls and a pot with spicy sauce as a supplement to our meal.  
Finnick counts the bread again and it doesn't come as a surprise when he says, "Twenty-four again."  
There is something about that bread and Finnick's counting, I think. It's like it's some sort of code. But that doesn't make any sense though. Because that bread came from sponsors, right? Or did a mentor have a hand in it? It is so vague and I'm frustrated because I can't figure it out. My head seems to be spinning because of all the questions I have lately. What is wrong with this alliance? What is up with Beetee's plan? Why does Finnick keeps counting bread? And most of all, how do I keep Katniss alive?  
I'm tired because of it and decide to try to stop thinking all together. Finnick divides the bread, giving each of us five rolls. It makes a good meal together with the sauce, the fish and the oysters. We eat as much as we can hold and throw the rest away.

When everyone is done eating I get up and sit at the edge of the water. After a short time Katniss comes to sit next to me and slips her hand into mine. We don't talk, we just sit there, holding each other. Dreading the moment we have to let go. It makes me I feel like crying, because I already miss her so much even though she's sitting right next to me. But the great unknown future looms over us and it makes me anxious. After a while I give in and lay my head on her shoulder. Savoring the feel of her body next to mine.


	26. Chaos

**Chapter 26 – Chaos**

The anthem begins and we look up at the sky. There are no faces today. Nothing much has happened except for us plotting Beetee's plan. We stay at our beach for a while but around nine we gather our stuff and start the hike to the lightning tree. Beetee has recovered enough to walk on his own. Now that we know the path we arrive there pretty fast.

Beetee asks Finnick to assist while we stand guard, although nothing happens. Beetee has the coil and unravels the wire, attaches it to a lose branch and then, together with Finnick he starts draping the wire around the tree, creating a sort of pattern. I have no idea what it means or how it will help with the electrocution of the water and the beach but I don't comment on it. Beetee will know. He's so smart, questioning him is useless. It will only make me seem stupid, which I am, compared to him.

At around ten thirty they're done and Beetee calls us to him.

"You two girls go together now," he says to Katniss and Johanna, "Take the coil through the jungle to the beach and unwind it. And make sure to drop it deep into the water. Make sure that it sinks. It has to sink."

He wants Katniss and Johanna to go through the jungle alone? There is no question of it. I won't let her out of my sight, not at this point in the Games. "I want to go with them as a guard," I tell Beetee.

But Beetee shakes his head. "You're too slow. Besides, I'll need you on this end," he says, "Katniss will guard. There's no time to debate this. I'm sorry. If the girls are to get out of there alive, they need to move now." With this he gives Johanna the coil and panic rises up in me. I see Katniss isn't happy with the plan either. But what can we do? We agreed on his plan and now we're stuck in it. But it doesn't feel right anymore. It's too complicated. Deep down I feel that something is wrong but I can't put my finger on it.

"It's OK," Katniss says to me now, "We'll just drop the coil and come straight back up."

I shake my head, because I don't want her to go. To go with Johanna, who I do not trust. And what will happen here? What if Finnick and Beetee turn on me? I don't really believe they will but I can't take them both if it does happen. I need to go with her.

"Not into the lightning zone," Beetee says to Katniss. "Head for the tree in the one-to-two o'clock sector. If you find you're running out of time, move over one more. Don't even think about going back to the beach, though, until I can assess the damage."

Katniss obviously reads the terror in my face, because she comes to stand right in front of me and takes my face in her hands. "Don't worry. I'll see you at midnight," she says and presses her lips on mine softly. For the last time, her warm lips against mine. Her hands on my face. The feel of her skin, the warmth of her breath on me. This is the end.

She lets go of me and turns towards Johanna. "Ready?"

"Why not?" says Johanna glumly, "you guard, I'll unwind. We can trade off later."

I stand frozen as I watch her go. The distance between us grows and grows and with it the fast knowledge within me that I'll never see her again. Finally she disappears out of sight and a great emptiness fills my heart. She's gone. Why am I so sure I'll never see her again? She told me we'd meet again at midnight. That will happen, right? I'll see her again at midnight. I tell myself this but somehow I'm not convinced.

A tap on my shoulder makes me jump. I turn around and stare in Beetee's eyes.

"Can I borrow your knife?" Beetee says.

"What for?" I ask, apprehensive.

"I want to check if this will work. I need to test something." Beetee explains. "I'm going to wind some wire on it and throw it in the force field."

"Why?" I ask, because that just sounds ridiculous. "That force field will just bounce it back and nothing will happen."

"It will do something with the wire, though," Beetee insists, "And I want to assess how much damage it will do. In that way I can also tell what the wire will do with the water once the lightning starts."

His whole story sounds weird to me, but I don't have any reason to refuse him my knife, without it being suspicious.

I hand Beetee my knife and he starts fiddling with the wire. Finnick is restless, walking back and forth all the time and every now and then he checks the wire that goes from the tree into the jungle, where Katniss and Johanna took it. On our right side the clicking of the insects starts, indicating it's after eleven.

"Less than an hour," I say to Beetee. "When will we go to the tree in the one-to-two sector?"

"I just have to check something," Beetee replies, "We still have time."

Suddenly Finnick jumps up. "Something happened with the wire." He calls out. I see him pull at it and he hauls in a metre or two of the stuff. "It has been cut, something has gone wrong." He says, "I'm going to check it out."

"I'm going with you," I say and am about to run off at the same time. "It must be the Careers, attacking them right now. We have to hurry, Finnick."I hear the alarm in my own voice, all my fear for Katniss multiplies.

Finnick grabs my shoulder. "No," he says, "You're unarmed. I'll go. You go to the tree in the next section. Beetee told Katniss and Johanna to go there. I'm sure they will try to do just that. If I find Katniss I'll tell her to go to that tree."

His tone is insistent but I hesitate. Will Katniss actually go there? How do we know that for sure? But Finnick is right. I am unarmed. My knife is in Beetee's hands, he's still working with it and with the wire. His mind so far off that he doesn't even notice us and the cut wire. What's wrong with him? Doesn't he even care about his plan?

He did tell Katniss and Johanna to go to the tree in the one-to-two section. Maybe she's already headed there, maybe I'll never find her again if I just take off without a clear plan. Now at least Finnick knows where I'll be and he can send Katniss to me. I'm thinking I probably need to be more suspicious. How can I be sure that Finnick can be trusted? Then the events of the past couple of days flash through my mind. He saved my life more than once in these Games so far. And there is no time to think this through. I nod at Finnick and run into the jungle in the direction of the blood rain section. I decide not to go to the tree directly but head down the slope first. Katniss will come from that direction if she goes there.

The vines and branches on the uneven ground of the jungle make it hard for me to move quickly. The faster I move, the more often I trip and fall. After I've covered a couple of miles I suddenly hear a noise. I stop moving and listen intently. There it is again, it's not far from me and it sounds like someone is talking. Or singing, yes, someone is singing. It's a man's voice, low but rather loud. Why is this guy making so much noise. Everyone in the vicinity can hear him and that makes him an easy prey. I realize it must be Chaff, he's the only other person left and also the only one who could sing like this. I actually remember him singing during training and this sounds rather familiar. But why he does it is really beyond me. It's as if he's doing it on purpose. Drawing attention to himself to draw it away from others. And it works too, because now I hear footsteps approaching. It is a heavy footfall from a big man. Brutus. I start moving towards Chaff, trying to be silent, though that has never been my forte. When I reach some foliage I come to a stop and squat behind it. In front of me there's a small clearing and Chaff is sitting in the middle of it. He's drinking something from a bottle, obviously a gift from a sponsor. I wonder if it's white liquor. Maybe even something Haymitch sent him. The footsteps are still approaching and at this point Chaff has to hear it as well. He doesn't react to it at all, just keeps on singing his drunken song.

In the distance I can vaguely make out the contours of a man. It must be Brutus, no one else in the arena is as broad as he is. He's almost entirely concealed by the leaves and the trees and he's a fair distance away from us. He's holding up his arm, spear in his hand, ready to shoot. The next moment the spear comes flying through the trees. Brutus must have a clear view because it hits Chaff straight in his heart. The cannon sounds almost instantly. I strain my eyes to see if Brutus is heading this way, but I don't see him anymore. I'm unarmed and thinking he must be on his way to retrieve the spear so I have to act fast, now that he's out of sight. I'm jumping into the clearing and pull the spear out of Chaff's dead body and hide behind the thick foliage.

Not long after a hovercraft arrives and takes away Chaff's body. I sit there silently and completely baffled. He got himself killed. And not because he was drunk, he wasn't that drunk. No, he knew exactly what he was doing. Drawing Brutus away from the others. I can't understand why he did it, but I do know it's as good a plan as any. Right now there's chaos. People are running around. I can hear voices yelling although I can't make out what they're saying or who's voices they are. No one knows who died or what happened. If I can lure them here and away from Katniss, there's a good chance we get each other killed and she'll live. There's still Beetee at the lightning tree, but he was so far away inside his own brain. He's not a danger to her and if he stays by that tree he'll die when the lightning starts.

Suddenly, I'm thinking about Beetee's request for my knife again. How he didn't even care when the wire was cut. He didn't even look up. It meant the end of his plan, but he just carried on with the wire around my knife. What was he doing? He wanted to throw the knife into the force field. That is what he said. What will that do? I said it would bounce back but maybe that special wire will do something with the power of the force field. I know for sure that he must have been up to something else than electrocuting the Careers. Something he didn't tell us. But no matter how hard I try, I can't think of anything he might do. I'm not a scientific person. And right now it's useless to focus on a plan Beetee might or might not have. There are other people to consider too and those are closer by.

This is the end of the Games and that means it's also the end of our alliance. Everybody is everybody's enemy now. And Brutus and Enobaria are still alive. So I decide to copy Chaff's behavior and lure them towards me and away from Katniss. Get as many of them killed before I die myself. Katniss has to live and this is my chance to make that happen. Brutus still hasn't returned to the clearing. He probably heard the cannon and went back to help Enobaria kill Katniss and Johanna. But I'm thinking he still has to be close enough to hear me. So I start screaming for Katniss. People will hear me and come to me. "Katniss!" I scream with all my might. "Katniss!"

For a moment there is complete silence. Then I hear the footsteps approaching again. It's Brutus, he must have heard me. But then I hear something else as well.

"Peeta!" her voice reaches me, but she's far away. And not where I thought she would be. "Peeta! I'm here! Peeta!" she screams again and I turn around. She's at the lightning tree, and I know I have to go there as well, to protect her. Beetee is there with his wire and his weird plan. I forget about Brutus and start running.

"I'm here! I'm here!" Katniss is still screaming. The panic in her voice drives me to run as fast as I can. "Peeta!"

The footsteps of Brutus are still behind me and that makes me realize I first have to finish him off. I'm no use to Katniss if I run towards her with Brutus on my heels. And the others must have heard her scream too. Everyone is close by, so they must be going to the lightning tree as well. Brutus is my first priority now. He is right behind me, I hear him loud and clear. As I turn on my heels he crashes through the trees, heading towards me. For a single moment he reminds me of how Cato crashed through the trees last year. He ran past us because he was running from the mutts. But Brutus isn't running from anything. He's here to kill me. I lift the spear in my right hand and throw it towards him with all the strength I can master. He's still a good fifteen yards away from me and must be able to dodge the spear. But there seems to be something wrong with his coordination. Maybe something in one of the wedges of the arena has disabled him. He tries to duck to avoid the spear but he's too late. The spear hits him straight in his right eye, the same spot where Katniss hits her squirrels. Brutus starts bleeding instantly and collides to the ground. I run towards him, because I need the spear. When I arrive he's already dead and the cannon fires. For the second time in a matter of minutes I pull a spear from a dead body. And this time I killed him myself. This is the first time I deliberately killed someone who wasn't dying already. I guess it should make some kind of impression, make me feel something of remorse or guilt, but right about now the only thing I feel is the adrenaline flowing through my body, caused by my fear for Katniss.

I jump up and start screaming for her again. "Katniss!" My voice fills the jungle. Everybody must have heard me but only silence follows.

They must be at the lightning tree. All of them. And the lightning can start any minute now. Suddenly I know what Katniss was trying to do when she was screaming for me. She was luring them all to the lightning tree. Beetee must still be there and she's there too. And when the lightning hits that tree, with all that wire around it. What will happen? Will it kill them all? That means I'll be the only one that lives. It must be her plan to make that happen, that was her plan from the start. And now it seems to be working too, because I'm too far away to be there in time.

For a second I bury my head in my hands in pure terror. A life without Katniss flashes before my eyes. And I don't want it. A life without Katniss is a life without light. Without purpose. This is not what I want. I'd rather have us both die and let someone else live. Finnick, preferably. He took off the same time I did. Maybe he didn't react to Katniss' screams. Maybe he's far enough from the tree to survive.

With a renewed motivation I start moving again towards the lightning tree. Maybe I can arrive there on time. Maybe I can. And then I can die with her at my side instead of alone in this horrendous jungle.

But then the lightning starts. In the distance I see a dazzling white light from above hitting the tree and strangely enough going back up. The whole sky is filled with light. I stare at it in a moment of awe. Then the sky grows black again and darkness is all around me. Right before the explosions begin, I find a star.


	27. Imprisoned

**Chapter 27** - **Imprisoned**

Everything seems to erupt at once. While the sky still lights up with what looks like fire works, on the ground there are explosions as if the earth is mined. Everywhere around me there is fire while vines and leaves fly around through the air. What on earth is happening?Are the Gamemakers attacking us by destroying the entire arena? Or is this what normally happens in the twelve-to-one wedge? The lightning is something you can see from a distance, but these explosions aren't visible from the outside. I actually thought I was in the blood rain area, but maybe I've walked further back than I thought. Or something else is going on, because not only the ground is exploding. The sky is still filled with lights, and this hasn't happened before, since we've entered the arena. I don't hear any cannons indicating deaths, but the sound could easily get lost in the explosions. So I try to move forward in search of Katniss. Hoping to find her alive against the odds.

I don't get far though. Because above me a hovercraft appears. I'm confused because they only come to pick up the dead or the victor and I am neither as far as I know. Even so, the hovercraft is lowering its claw to reach for me. I try to hide behind a tree but it's useless. The claw picks up my body and there's nothing I can do against it. Slowly it retreats into the hovercraft while I see the arena erupting even further until it seems that nothing's left. Once inside the hovercraft a Capitol attendant takes me roughly by the arm, he pushes me in a chair and fastens a strap around my waist so I can't move.

"What's going on?" I ask the attendant but he doesn't reply. Instead he mans the claw of the hovercraft to haul in another tribute. I try to turn in my seat to look who it is but the strap around my waist makes it impossible for me to move to my side. I can turn my head, but not far enough to see. Once the tribute enters the hovercraft I immediately notice it's Johanna. Mostly because she's flailing her arms around and shouting obscenities to the attendant. He takes a hypodermic needle and stabs her in her upper left arm. Her body goes limp and he straps her in the chair opposite of mine.  
"Please," I ask him again, "What's happening, I don't understand."  
He ignores me completely and starts working with the claw again. I don't know if I'm supposed to hope the next person he brings in is Katniss or not. If he brings her in that will mean she's still alive, but then what? What will happen to us now? The needle doesn't promise anything good. But if he doesn't bring her in, where is she? Dead? Or in another hovercraft?  
There's no way to tell. All these unanswered questions are swimming in my head and I have no idea what just happened. We're supposed to die or win, not be lifted out of the arena alive like this. I see through the windows opposite of me the arena continues to explode. Something has gone terribly wrong, that much is clear. I'm thinking it has something to do with the force field and what Beetee said about his wire. But I don't know and my fear for Katniss is wearing me out.

The claw of the hovercraft retreats again and this time Enobaria enters. "This is the last one," the attendant calls to the pilot. "Orders are to head back to the Control Center right away."  
"What? No!" I shout, and I try to wiggle myself out of the straps. "Where's Katniss, is she still down there? You can't let her die!"  
"If I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about my wife, but about my own wellbeing." The attendant tells me. "She's the one who did this." He straps Enobaria in a seat next to an unconscious Johanna  
"What are you talking about?" I ask.  
"He's right," Enobaria looks at me from across the hovercraft. "I saw it happening."

Incredulity is obviously written all over my face. Enobaria scowls at me and says, "You don't have to look so surprised. No one is going to believe that you didn't know."

"But I don't know!" I shout to her. "I don't know what you're saying."

"What I'm saying is that your lovely wife shot an arrow in the force field at the time the lightning started." Enobaria snarls at me, "And that's when the force field was blown out and the arena exploded. She did this. She ruined the Games."

"But she didn't know what she was doing." I say immediately.

"Oh don't get me started. Of course she knew and you knew too. It must have been Volt's idea and I bet he enlightened the two of you and made her carry it out for him." Enobaria says.

Everything Enobaria says is so strange. I don't know what to think. I remember the lightning hitting the tree and the big flash of light that occurred after that. But did Katniss do that? If she did it, it wasn't on purpose, I'm absolutely sure of that. I don't know anything about a plan Beetee might have concerning the force field. I did suspect he had one. He did tell me he wanted to test something when he asked me for my knife. But he didn't share a plan with me nor Katniss. I know I won't convince Enobaria with this story and I'm not going to try. So I ignore her and turn to the Capitol attendant again.

"Where are they?" I ask the attendant, "Where are the others? Beetee, Finnick and Katniss. They were still alive when the lightning struck."

"We've been assigned to bring you to the Control Center. Not to answer your questions." The attendant says in a superior voice.

I'm about to object when he holds out his hand, a hypodermic needle in it. "Or do I need to use this on you too?" he asks.

I sink back in the chair and collapse into silence. Telling myself I will get the answers eventually and that there's no need to panic. But it doesn't help, I'm panicking the entire time while the hovercraft takes us to the Control Center. My mind wanders to Katniss, lying in the arena, helpless. Dying because everything explodes around her. Being in pain. Feeling alone and deserted. After a while I start hyperventilating, because I can't shake off these disturbing thoughts.

The attendant gets up and plunges the needle in my upper arm. I try to deflect him with my hand but it's useless. I'm weakened from those few humid days in the arena, with never enough fresh air to breathe or cool water to drink. When the fluid from the needle flows through my veins I lose consciousness almost immediately. "Katniss," I manage to get out before the darkness covers me completely.

When I awake I'm lying on a bed in a sterile white room. I look around to take in my surroundings and get my bearings. There is a chair and a table. A small water fountain and a toilet. That's it.

I'm naked except for a thin paper hospital gown. I can feel that there's been a cut in my right arm, which is covered with white cotton bandages. At first I stare at my arm uncomprehendingly. Then all the memories come rushing back to me. The arena. The explosions. Katniss. Where is she? I need to know if she's still alive.

Slowly I get up and place my feet on the ground. My artificial leg stands firmly but my own leg is shaking heavily. After about fifteen minutes I feel strong enough to stand up. It takes another couple of minutes before I can walk to the door and pull the handle. Nothing happens. I pull it again, thinking it might have gotten stuck, but it won't give an inch. The door is locked. I'm imprisoned.

I start to pound on the door and scream for Katniss. "Katniss, can you hear me! Are you there?" I listen intently, but there's no answer. "Katniss, please." I shout again and again, "Answer me."

I don't know how long it lasts but at the end my throat is soar from all the screaming. Only silence is my reply. At one point the tears start flowing down my cheeks as realization dawns on me. I've lost her. She's gone. She must be dead. Still lying in the ruined arena. I sink to the ground and bounce my head against the door and just let the tears come. Emptiness fills me entirely. My purpose gone. My life meaningless. I don't care where I am or what's going to happen to me. The only thing I know is that I want to die too. I don't want to live in a world without Katniss Everdeen. I really don't.

Time passes, I don't know how much time. Everything has lost meaning to me. It was midnight when the arena exploded, it must be somewhere late into the next day now, or even the day after? I don't know and I don't care. I hear the footsteps outside of my door and a key in the lock. It reminds me of my being imprisoned and I wonder why that is. Will they execute me publicly or something? I hope so, because then my life will finally end.

The door opens with a great force and with it I'm shoved over the ground. A man stands in the doorway and looks down on me. A menacing expression on his face.

"Get up," he barks. I try to stand, but apparently I'm not fast enough, because he takes me by my arms and practically throws me on the bed. Then he takes the chair and goes to sit across from me. For a while he just looks at me and doesn't say anything. I want to ask what he's doing here but just when I open my mouth he starts talking.

"Listen carefully, Mr. Mellark," he says, "Here's the deal. We need you to be ready for an interview with Caesar Flickerman by tomorrow afternoon."

I stare at him vacantly. What on earth is he talking about? I'm about to ask when he holds out a hand. "Questions later, first hear me out. You'll be given a detailed script of what you need to say, there is also the possibility for sharing your own experiences. But the most important thing..." He's silent for a couple of seconds while staring at me intently. Then he points his finger at me, "Your job is to pacify the Districts. Explain to them that the rebellion is a bad idea. No, even worse, the rebellion will mean the death of all."

"What rebellion?" I say flatly.

"The rebellion ignited by District Thirteen," he answers, "The District that took your precious wife."

"What?" I sit up in the bed in shock. "What are you saying? District Thirteen? What happened to Katniss?" I feel a flicker of hope rise inside of me. She isn't dead?

"She was taken by them. After the arena exploded they came with a hovercraft and lifted her out. Finnick and Beetee too. They started a rebellion against the Capitol and a lot of the districts joined in." The man says it matter-of-factly, like he didn't just ignite the hope in me. Katniss still lives! She's in District Thirteen. I didn't even know it still exists. And there's a rebellion. And the districts are working together against the Capitol. But I don't care about any of that. The only thing that's important is that she's still alive. And not in the custody of the Capitol either. So that means she's also safe. At least, I hope she is.

"What is District Thirteen?" I ask again.

"It is what you say it is. The thirteenth District." The man answers impatiently.

"Yes. But it was destroyed, seventy five years ago." I say.

"That's what the Capitol wanted you to believe." He replies. "They still exist, they are independent. Listen, I will bring that script for the interview later on and your prep team will be here first thing in the morning to help you get ready."

With these words he stands up and leaves the room.

I sink back into the cushions while I let his words sink in. Katniss is alive! District Thirteen still exists. There is rebellion in the districts. It is a lot to take in and I still have a thousand questions. But for now I feel relieved. The terrible truth of Katniss's death is gone and it lifts the great weight I felt on my heart.

After an hour the door opens again. An avox enters with a plate of food and a deck of cards. I recognize him immediately. It's Darius, the peacekeeper from District Twelve. He has a grave expression on his face. He puts the plate on the table and looks at me for a short while. Then he turns around and leaves. The door locks behind him.

The smell of food reminds me of how hungry I am. I slowly get up and sit at the table. There is a plate with some bread and butter, a bowl of soup and a glass of water. The food is fine but it lacks the normal eloquence of the meals the Capitol usually provides. After I've finished eating I take the deck of cards. It's odd that it's here. Then I think it must be a gift from Darius. I take the cards out of the pack and start building a card house. Rye and I used to build card houses when we were young. We could make really difficult constructions too. Building the card house helps me focus, while I try to straighten out the questions I have about Katniss, the rebellion and the exploded arena. There are still so many questions I have that need answering. The walls won't answer me though, so I tell myself to wait for my prep team tomorrow. They can help me out for sure.

But I don't have to wait that long. Because after an hour or so the door opens again and in walks Portia. Portia! I rise from my chair and hurry towards her. She pulls me in her arms and hugs me tight. Then she bursts out in tears. With one arm I quickly close the door behind her and then we walk towards the bed, where we sit next to each other. She wipes away her tears and smiles at me. "Peeta," she whispers, "How are you?"

"How do you think." I say with a deep breath. "I'm so confused. I don't understand anything that happened, Portia. Can you tell me? Or Haymitch, is he here?"

Portia shakes her head. "I'm sorry," she says, "He's gone. He and Plutarch Heavensbee. They were both part of the rebellion."

"This can't be," I say, "Haymitch can't be part of a rebellion. He couldn't care less."

"I know. But it appears to be so." Portia says. I'm baffled for a moment, thinking of Haymitch and his drunken appearance. How come he's part of a rebellion? And even more, how come I didn't know? Is he that good a liar? Somehow it's hard to process, but when the truth sinks in, I realize he's played us. Both Katniss and I, like pieces in his own game. I'm instantly furious.

Portia next to me shakes her head again.

"Tell me what you know, please?" I ask her.

She takes my hand and squeezes it. "It's a lot to take in." She warns me.

"That's okay. Just tell me." I say.

Portia takes a deep breath and begins. "Here's the thing. Cinna and I knew a little about the rebellion, so I tell you what I know. After the Dark Days District Thirteen wasn't destroyed. They have nuclear weapons there and those were directed at the Capitol. So the Capitol made a deal with them. Thirteen was to be left alone and could exist independently from the rest of the country. They did that to minimize the casualties."

Already I don't like the sound of this District. Nuclear weapons, minimize the casualties. And more disturbingly, they existed for seventy five years without lifting a finger to help us. What kind of people live there?

"There has been an organized group of rebels for a while now. Plutarch Heavensbee and Haymitch Abernathy were part of it. Katniss's berries in your previous Games fanned the flames. There were already uprisings in several districts last year." She stays silent for a while and stares at our linked hands. "Plutarch Heavensbee contacted Cinna about what was going on and asked us to cooperate. That's why Cinna created the dress." The tone in her voice at the mention of Cinna's name alarms me.

"What happened to Cinna?" I ask her.

"They killed him," she whispers and a tear rolls down her cheek. "Because of that dress. Directly after you were lifted into the arena they took him in custody. I don't know what happened exactly. Whether he was tortured or questioned. But the next day it was already known that he was executed for treason."

I'm silent for a while and think about Cinna. His amazing talent, the beautiful dresses he made for Katniss. Dead. Another innocent victim in Snows tyranny. I squeeze Portia's hand and she smiles at me through her tears.

"I'm so sorry, Portia." I whisper.

"Me too," she replies. "I miss him. So much."

"Apparently there was a plan," she continues after a while, in a soft voice. "A plan from the rebels to blow up the arena and take the tributes with them to Thirteen. Only they forgot to take you and Johanna, or they couldn't. I don't know why you were left behind. But you're both taken into custody until further notice. I don't know what will happen to you, Peeta. They don't tell me a lot here."

"They'll probably kill me after they've used me." I say harshly. "That's what they've been trying to do to me for the last couple of years. There's nothing new to it."

"I don't know. Maybe." Portia sighs. "Maybe you can be of use for them for a long while to come. To do interviews and such."

"What for?" I ask. "Why do they even want me to do an interview tomorrow. That guy said something about pacifying the districts. What was that about?"

"That guy?" Portia asks.

"Yes, there was a man in here earlier." I say.

"That must be Antonius," she answers. "He's a big shot. Runs the prison, deals with traitors. And he's Snow's right hand in the fight against the rebels as well."

She stays quiet for a while and I've realized she didn't answer my question.

"But what's going on in the districts?" I ask again.

There are a couple of Districts in rebellion. Three and Four, Seven and Eight, Ten, Eleven."

"What about District Twelve?" I say.

Portia stiffens beside me and I look at her. Her face contorts as she tries to avoid my gaze.

"Portia?" I ask, "What happened to District Twelve?"

Her voice sounds so lost when she finally says, "Peeta, there is no District Twelve."


End file.
